When the tears won’t stop

I recall that in the 1980’s a neighbor had a stroke and died. One of graduation daughters still lived at home and took it pretty hard. For about 6 months on 3 or 4 random occasions this young woman would let out a wail in church and cry. I felt so bad for her and several times I would go and give her a hug. She obviously loved her mother and was heartbroken over her death. I’ve always been one who easily got over death and moved on. This was true of my brother, mother, and grandmother. I loved them but did not have a relationship where their deaths weighed heavily on my mind.

Thee actually had been friction with all 3 before they psssrd so perhaps that made a difference. This changed when my husband of 40 years passed away a few weeks ago. Yesterday would have been our official 40th anniversary and I did good until late afternoon. I began sharing songs ftom 1976 on Facebook because that was the year we met. I recalled that every year he shared romantic music on Facebook for our anniversary and one song was Always by Atlantic Starr. I broke down and cried for an hour after I listened the it.

Marriage vows day until death and there is no evidence of marriage in the afterlife but that does not stop my heart from hurting. I met my husband when I was a 17 year old virgin and never loved another for 45 years. We had our share of problems and dealt with financial issues that may have driven other couples to divorce court. We stuck it out and honored our vows although it was not easy. We truly dealt with sickness and being poor and seeing the worst. In spite of it all we stuck with each other and I know I will love him until my death.

I know there are widows who remarry and that most people understand the wedding vows to mean until the one spouse dies. I know plenty of other women who never remarry and don’t stop loving their spouse just because he dies. Ove had people tell me that at 63 I’m still young snd should not rule out getting married again. What they don’t understand is that for me my marriage vows are until death, my own. The grief is still fresh and some say I’ll change my mind later but I told my husband for years that I would never love another man and I won’t.

My entire life since high school was shared with this man. College, first job, marriage, children, grandchildren, church and other activities were done together. People often said that when you saw one of us the other was right beside, I have no desire to start over and learn another man at this age. I don’t want to take on the baggage of another man’s past, his vices, or health issues. I put my all into my relationship for close to half a century and I’m not interested in another. This is why the tears continue to fall. I cry for what I will never have.

People keep saying I had 45 years but that does not change the fact that we won’t grow older together. We won’t watch our grandchildren grow up and marry as a couple. We will not be able to take a cruise or a long awaited trip. I’m devastated and there is no recovery ftom this. I will go on and live my life and continue writing. I’m the midst I will have moments like the young woman in my former church. I have no way of knowing. what will trigger me or when it will happen but the tears will continue to fall.

This is not not just fresh grief speaking because I discussed it with my spouse. We each said we would not remarry if one outlived the other. My husband once told me that I was the best lover he ever had. I told him that although he was my one and only, I never wanted to be with another man. I know a man who was married 50 years and his wife died holding his hand while they sat together on their front porch. They seemed to have had an ideal marriage. A few years later however he began dating someone else but he passed away before they could marry.

Everyone is different and I know I could choose to love again but I chose not. For now I’ll deal with the grief of separation and when the tears come I’ll let them fall. I loved my husband and was faithful although I was advised my men and women to cheat. You can call me nuts but I will remain loyal to what we had until death. I salute other men and women who feel the same. When uou have had someone to love you unconditionally and shared intimate moments for decades tend they pass on its difficult. I believe some people remarry quickly to ease the pain and love again and that’s quite alright.

Others like myself don’t want to forget so we allow ourselves to grieve and the tears to keep coming. I will update my situation periodically because I know other women are dealing with the same emotions. Some will love their spouses as the song says? “ For Always.” When you have experience.an enduring love where making love was all encompassing, in every aspect of your union it can’t be replaced with just sex. The memories alone will sustain you. I know there are women out there who understand what I’m talking about.