What to Do When Your Partner and In-Laws Disagree About Boundaries

You have raised this issue with your partner about their relative. Their reply to you is, "Well, [relative] has always been that way." You don't know what to say.

Should you say anything more? Should you just let it go? You want to avoid stirring up conflict, but you also want your feelings addressed.

Here are some ideas if you're trying to navigate a disagreement with your partner about boundaries with your in-laws.

It's not about convincing each other to agree on everything, but rather about communicating your respective perspectives and finding common ground on next steps.

Focus on the event or behavior rather than a general description

It's understandable to want to say, "My or your [relative] is X," when something upsets you. However, framing it in these terms risks derailing your conversation into a debate over the relative's character.

"You are always rude to me" → "Are you always rude to me?"

By focusing on a particular event or behavior, you invite your partner to empathize and consider next steps.

"When your sister made a joke about my career last Sunday, I was embarrassed. I'd love to know how we can manage this in the future."

Hopefully, your partner will then offer a similar response, describing the incident and their interpretation of it.

Your partner may have perceived your in-law's behavior in a lighter tone than you did, which is completely understandable. Validate that, while reaffirming your own experience:

"I can appreciate that you saw it in a lighthearted way. But it was unpleasant for me, and I want you to understand why."

There is no requirement to "prove" malicious intent by your in-law in order to state your feelings about them.

Understand what your partner's barrier to communication may be

Your partner may not want to engage their in-law in a conversation because they know their reaction (e.g., to upset their mother, start an argument, or alienate their sibling).

This doesn't mean you must tolerate your partner's in-law behaving towards you in ways that are hurtful or unacceptable. But it will inform how you can approach the situation with them.

You could start by asking:

"Why do you think it would be challenging to raise this with your [relative]?"

Allow them to elaborate. You may be surprised to learn that they concur with your assessment of the behavior and simply aren't sure how to approach their relative.

Your partner may say something along the lines of:

"I realize it's negative for you when your sister comments on your work. She always gets very defensive if I call her out, though..."

To which you can reply:

"That's fair. What if we brainstorm a succinct response to deploy when she does this?"

Remember, you don't need them to rectify all issues with their family, you're asking them to address ONE.

Establish the type of support you're seeking

While your partner will likely want to help you, they may not know HOW to do this. "Support me" can take many forms.

Do you want your partner to call them out at the time? Offer reassurance after the fact? Speak to the in-law privately?

Select an appropriate course of action for your circumstances and convey this to your partner:

"If your sister comments on my work again, please call out that it isn't amusing and steer the conversation elsewhere."

OR

"I would prefer to address it at the time myself. But I would appreciate it if you acknowledged this and offered support afterwards, rather than brushing it off."

Your partner may have something to counter-propose in terms of how much they're able or willing to do.

Perhaps your partner will feel uncomfortable calling their sister out in front of others at dinner time, and so prefer to have a private word with her after the meal. You could elect to respond to the comments yourself at the time.

USU Extension recommends deciding which party will engage with the offending family member and having the conversation when you're both calm. There's no prescribed right or wrong approach to taking action against an in-law.

What if your partner thinks you're overreacting?

You may feel compelled to "prove" that your feelings are valid if your partner takes the stance that you're being too sensitive. Rather than attempting to convince your partner that you deserve to be offended, refocus on the behavior and your desired outcome.

"While you may not have felt it was offensive, I'd like you to consider my perspective on this before deciding how to respond."

If they remain unconvinced, you can walk away from the discussion temporarily:

"I'd like us to work towards a resolution together, but I don't feel that you're hearing me out. Let's revisit this conversation in a few days."

At this stage, it can also be helpful to think about actions you can take unilaterally, e.g., removing yourself from a line of questioning or comments about your occupation.

Note that this is distinct from imposing a blanket ban on your partner seeing said family member, more about delineating your own personal boundaries (and any joint ones) with them.

Should you and your partner reach an impasse, seeking the assistance of a family or couples counselor may be beneficial if you feel safe to do so.

Managing any backfire from your in-law

Naturally, your in-law may be unhappy that you or your partner have raised an issue with them. They may attempt to guilt you or your partner for "making a big deal" of their behavior.

After your partner has spoken to their sister about her comments regarding your job, your sister may respond:

"I didn't mean it as an insult; you guys are so serious!"

To which your partner may respond:

"I accept that it was intended as a joke. However, it's caused me offense, and I want you to refrain from making such comments going forward."

If your in-law continues to question their behavior or motive, your partner need not go into greater detail or reiterate their reason for raising it:

"I've stated my reason for speaking to you about this. There is no need to debate the context of your jokes, but I do want them to cease."

At this point, it may be prudent to leave it there and allow your in-law to mull it over (or not). You cannot compel them to apologize or cease offending you. But you can limit your level of involvement in their pushback.

For instance, if your sister makes a further comment on your work at a subsequent meal:

"I'm not interested in discussing my job. I'll move to another table or room to chat to the others."

Follow through on your intentions to look after yourself (not to 'punish' your in-law into capitulation!).

If your in-law contacts your partner to air their grievance...

It's also fairly common for family to ring up your partner and 'complain' that your partner has taken issue with them ("Your partner has a problem with ME?").

This forces your partner to mediate between you, and you may be left unaware that they have spoken to them at all.

Again, discuss with your partner how they wish to respond to the in-law. They may wish to advocate on your behalf or defer the conversation to you.

They may wish to respond to the in-law:

"I understand you're feeling aggrieved. I won't speak for [partner], but I'm happy to have a dialogue with you about your concerns."

Alternatively, if you are amenable to speaking to the in-law directly:

"I'm willing to have a conversation with you about the incident and would welcome the opportunity to state my side."

Again, there is no obligation to agree to speak with your in-law, or even agree to respond to their grievance at all.

Reflect and recalibrate

Having implemented a course of action, you and your partner can debrief after the next encounter with your in-laws:

• Were you caught by surprise?

• Did you find the responses satisfying?

• Are there changes you'd like to implement?

• Do you need to speak with your partner or in-laws again? Or give yourself more distance?

Avoid making your partner "accountable" for every slip-up. Acknowledge their positive attempts and note areas you wish to improve.

"E.g., It was good that you spoke to me after dinner, but I'd like you to voice your objection in the moment next time."

Keep adapting your boundaries as required! See my post on Boundaries & Agreements to learn more about how to establish them.

In the event of abuse or threats

Of course, if you feel threatened or endangered by your partner's family member, the above tactics are not suitable. Seek guidance from appropriate resources to ensure your safety and well-being, such as the National DV Hotline if you live in the USA.

Boundaries with your in-laws do not mean disliking them or opposing your partner

Ultimately, you don't have to see eye-to-eye with your partner on boundaries to be maintained with your in-laws. You may simply require further dialogue or time.

Pick one issue at a time to focus on and communicate your position and expectations to your partner, then work to elicit their buy-in (at least partially) on your chosen boundary.

It's unlikely that all parties will be pleased by your decision. But hopefully, you and your partner can settle on a mutually agreeable way to stand up to your in-laws and maintain open lines of communication.

Explore more relationship guidance at Clearer Connections.