What’s it like being a single parent? Why’s pregnancy so hard when you feel alone?

Now I what you’re probably thinking, “Wow another single mom, bitter, because things didn’t go her way.” That’s not the case here.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I was induced July 1st and she came into the world July 3rd, 2:36 pm. It was the best day of my life. It was a terrifying induction because she got stuck and wouldn’t come out; after lying in the hospital bed for 45 hours and 26 minutes. We weren’t going to make it but an emergency c-section was ordered and she came out perfect but this isn’t a story about my labor, this is about how being a single parent can make or break you, every single day.

My spouse at the time had begged me to get pregnant because all he wanted in the world was to be a father, after almost a year of begging, I said okay, I’ll do it. My entire pregnancy was the worst experience of my life. I was constantly emotional. I was in pain because earlier that year I had surgery on my hip and was recommended not to have children until my other hip was fixed but I wanted to make him happy, so I blew off my second surgery and carried a baby instead. I felt disgusting, fat and pregnant. I had gained over 60 pounds and my self esteem plummeted. I had found out my spouse was disgusted by me; I had individuals send me a very hurtful video that someone had taken while my husband was bad mouthing me and telling 8-10 other males how turned off and disgusted he was by me. Right after that video had leaked, I also found out he had slept with a girl he met on tinder after we had gotten into a fight. I was 36 weeks pregnant. My life had flipped upside down and I felt completely alone.

I tried my best to forgive him while he was on his hands and knees begging me to stay because he loved me and didn’t actually feel that way. So I stayed.

The first week home with our beautiful daughter, I cried most of the time because postpartum is no joke. I felt empty physically because I no longer could feel my baby inside of my belly. It was just a skin sack. I did everything myself while my spouse played video games and complained about the crying. I breastfed for the first 3-4 months. I was healing from a c-section with little to no help. I couldn’t even leave her in the living room while he was playing video games to take a bath because “I didn’t ask” or “he’s in the middle of a game he can’t pause”. For 5 months, the first 5 months of her life this went on. Every single day. I was lucky if he changed one diaper a day. It progressively got worse and worse until December 29th, 2018. I will always remember a detailed version of what I personally claim to be one of the worst days of my life. That was the day I was fed up with feeling alone. That was the day I was fed up with the physical and emotional abuse. After our last fight, I ran out the door, called the police and he went to jail. If I wouldn’t have gathered enough strength to try and make a change, I guarantee I’d still be stuck in that toxic relationship feeling more alone than I do now.

All of a sudden it was just me and my daughter alone in a 3 bedroom house on base with what felt like no one to come around and help if and when I needed it. He was in jail for 87 days. A long, painful 87 days. I used that time to accept that fact that he will never love me the way that I love him and I know I need to move on and heal while I have the opportunity. I spent every single day, pretty much alone, learning how to be a new parent.

My daughter was the first experience I had with children and or babies. I had watched one child maybe 2 or 3 times for a very short time so I honestly knew nothing at all. It was defeating knowing that now I was responsible for another living, breathing human being and I had no idea what to expect or to do.

Everyday seemed to feel easier. I learned what cries meant what. When she was teething. When she was hungry. It almost came naturally and it does make you feel good when you can pinpoint how to tend to your child’s needs.

One thing that many mothers don’t talk about is the bad days. The crying sleepless nights. The feeling of failure when you think you’re not doing anything right. When you’re all alone, day in and day out, sometimes the obsessive crying and whining finally gets to you and you want to give up. There are days where you got 3 hours of sleep because you were up all night thinking about how terrible the day was and how you yelled when you shouldn’t have. Those mornings when your child wakes up, cries for you and all you can do is lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and bawl your eyes out because you feel like you can’t do it anymore. It’s okay to take that time for yourself and gather your thoughts and emotions before dealing with your child because believe it or not, they can feel your animosity, your hurt, your frustration and that instantly puts them on edge because they think they’re doing something wrong.

Somedays are good. Somedays are bad. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that everyday must come to an end. Everyday you wake up and can be better. If you’re at rock bottom, the only way out is up.

Raising a child without their father is hard. Every diaper, you change. Every bath time, you’re there. Every single cry, whine, ouchy, you’re there to kiss it all away. It’s both a blessing and a curse because you will ALWAYS be there and see the things the other parent never will get to relive. What if they have another kid? Well guess what, their first baby grew up without them. They never got to see their first steps, hear their first words and one day when your child grows up, they will know who was there. Imagine seeing your child after, let’s say 6 months, and they don’t recognize you. They don’t reach for you or shy away and won’t let go of their other parent. That probably hurts right? That’s such a shitty thing to know your child doesn’t even think twice about you and doesn’t seem to miss you.