What is my PURPOSE ?

Do you ever have a moment in life where you say to yourself what is my purpose here in this world? I hope its not just me! Sometimes in life you get struck by something that gets you going into that negative mindset. For instance there maybe something going on at my job and I get back home and instantly I’m thinking to myself is this really all I am meant to do for the rest of my life! Then it goes on and on from there. I can only work so many hours a day and they only give me so many hours a week that I am BARELY holding onto a thread. I got rent to pay, car payments, car insurance and anything extra that my kids may need. These mom hours are just not cutting it for me.I am going around in circles looking for something extra, a new job, more hours, thinking about becoming an entrepreneur, but nothing seems to be working in my favor, that does not mean I will give up, NEVER THAT! I know there is more to me than just working in the customer service field cashing people out at a register. Even though I always get these negative thoughts in my head, the best I can do is keep pushing forward to find what my drive is.

It has not been easy lately, My partner has been laid off as I said before. He went from getting a good paying job to being let go to lack of jobs being open since the pandemic happened. Even though it has been helpful that he has been home to take care of our 6 month old in order for me to go work a 9-2pm shift, That soon will come to an end. Once he gets back to his job I would need to go back to working 5-10pm shift if I do not find an opening at a child care soon. I have been searching and searching but every child care has told me there is a waitlist for about 3-4 months later. It has not only been tough for me to cope with not making enough money but we both have different coping mechanism, he deals with his emotions differently than me. My new way to cope is just to write down my feelings, understand exactly why I am feeling the way I am and learn what I can do different to change my perspective in life.

I think to myself everyday what can I do? What can I change to better my life for my kids. Do I go back to school? Do I find a different job who can offer me a 40 hour week?When I mention to some friends or family about going back to school they tell me, “oh going to school is a waste of time.”” It’s a waste of money, how are you going to manage taking care of kids, working, and going to school?” Then that’s when my mind starts to scramble all over again. Then I think about a different job like yes, they may offer me 40 hours a week, but is the hourly pay worth it. Decisions to make, sacrifices to make.I need to speed up my process. I can not be in a frozen stage in my life. I want my kids to do better than me, like any parent wants for their child. In order for that to happen I need to better myself to be able to guide them in their journey as they are growing up.

Honestly I wish the fathers of my 2 oldest children would help me but they don’t. Instead of me being able to use any extra cash I make to take them out for ice cream, the aquarium, or anything fun to do as a child,I can only offer them to go to the park which they don’t mind at all, but as a parent you want your children to see new things and enjoy new things like a child should. They know mommy tries her best to get them whatever they need or want. They need new shoes or clothes okay I got it, They want a new toy okay i got it. Even if i can not get it for them right away they know I don’t break my promise can I will get it for them when i can. And for that I love my children for being so understanding at such young ages. They will always be grateful for anything they receive.These are the little things of why my brain starts to go into a negative space, and I start wondering what is my purpose?

I know one day! I hope sooner than later I figure out what my purpose here in life is other than just being the best mom I can be for my children. Even though it is amazing being a mother and seeing your offsprings grow into their own little person is wonderful, But in life you should not being having to second guess yourself if what your doing in life is the correct thing. If what you are doing in life they best you can do. Like no there is always more than you can do in life, nobody should ever limit themselves EVER! I know deep down we all are here in this world for a reason and everyday we have to go out there do our best and find what it is that drives us to do what we really want to do!