What I Have Learned in 2020

The first thing I have learned in 2020 is that I am not allowed to cry. I used to cry at the drop of a hat when I was a kid. As an adult it takes a lot to get me to cry. My sister Malissa is the same way. I lost my grandmother on September 30, 2020. I was able to spend some quality time with her before her passing. I had to cry on my brother-in-law’s shoulder since my husband cannot stand to see me cry. I was so grateful to be able to see my grandmother… my husband lost his grandmother May 30, 2020 and was unable to visit her before she passed. I was almost not allowed to see my grandmother before she passed because my husband was not allowed to see his.

This brings me to the next thing I have learned … that is that life is too short. Nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow. Proverbs 27:1 (KJV) “Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.”

A second thing I have learned in 2020 is displaced blame. There is a lot of times that I am used as a venting post by my husband. He has a bad day at work and instead of addressing the issue with his employer he comes home and takes it out on me. Or if something is going on at his parents’ house, he does not like he takes it out on me.

A third thing I have learned in 2020 is to expect the unexpected. Who would have expected we would start off the year with a once in a 10i0i year pandemic? I have also learned to expect the unexpected from my husband. I have learned to expect him to be where I should least expect him to be.

Another thing I have learned is It is okay to do something for yourself, it does not necessarily mean you are being selfish. If you are doing something that helps you and in return helps those who you love … then how could that be considered selfish? For example, my husband is my greatest champion when it comes to weight loss. Every time I want to eat something I should not I hear him say “that is junk food.” Also, if my husband and I get in an argument I lose my appetite.

The most important thing I have learned in my husband’s eyes in 2020 is that I must work. The “June Clever” days are over as my husband frequently reminds me. While I am 100% for working outside the home what I am not 100% on is the whole role reversal of the “house husband.” It takes two now a days.

If you ask my husband … money is the most important thing. According to 1Tim6:10 (KJV) “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

Lastly, I have learned that my husband is the biggest hypocrite and inconsiderate person I have ever met.

In my eyes the most important thing I have learned in 2020 is that domestic violence can come in many forms not just physical. My husband has never laid his hand on me. My husband and I’s relationship borders on unhealthy and abusive. There is such a thing as verbal abuse. If you feel like you are in an unsafe relationship and you need help, please reach out to National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

It may be hard to understand why I love my abuser, but I choose to remember the good times, put myself in his shoes, and come to accept it as a surviving technique.