Unmarried in your late 20's

How do you make a relationship work after COVID-19? It feels like if you weren't already dating someone at the beginning of the pandemic, you're S.O.L. when it comes to your dating life. For people like me it's especially difficult. Growing up in what some would call a "broken home," because my parents were divorced. The only positive side to relationships I saw was in my grandparents and aunts and uncles. Looking back I realize they probably had their issues and arguments that got nasty but that wasn't the focus during family get-togethers. Being a woman is still hard in the 21st century. I didn't think I'd let sexist comments about women keeping their mouths shut would really bother me, yet here I am, a year after the pandemic finally staying home.

I get it though, the 2 serious relationships I've had I would have gladly fallen in to that role of staying home and raising a family. But I am argumentative. Maybe it's my mothers fault for showing me that a woman can raise a family without a man coming home every night. It's hard still to try not to wake up in the morning feeling like I am missing out on a key aspect of growing up. It's probably because my parents were divorced that I glorified the idea of marriage and family. Any time a friend comes to me and tells me "I have a kid but the father doesn't want anything to do with them," or "I have a kid but we aren't together," I get sad because I remember how much that sucks. To be a kid growing up with only one part of what made you and maybe getting to see your other parent every other weekend, if everything worked out okay.

I hear a lot of men resort to calling their exes crazy which blows my mind. At some point they wanted to sleep with that person but as soon as a kid comes into play, they're crazy. Again, I understand, I board the crazy train in my relationships, like how out of hand can I get with this person before they finally break? For some all you have to do is yell and throw your keys at them. For others, just sleep with their best friend. I've tried the dating apps, one night stands, just trying not to get attached and teach myself how to not feel for another human being, but it doesn't work for me. I'm the type of person to see a microscopic spider in my space and try to shoe it outside without killing it. It's nearly impossible for me not to feel attached to another human being after an intimate moment.

I will say, being single in your mid to late 20s, when you feel lost and without a clear direction other than a downward spiral, is probably the best option. It might be easier to have another person to go through the ups and downs and to help with finances and understanding the state of the world we live in, but hey, you learn more and more about yourself everyday. It's hard to watch your childhood friends grow up and start their families and try not to be jealous or envious of the life they've created for themselves. If you would have asked me at 18 what I thought my life would be like at almost 27, I would have told you I'd be married and possibly with a child. But, here I am, almost 9 years later realizing, I'm not getting younger and all the good men are truly either gay, married, or just not interested.

I'm at a point where still anything is possible. I could meet my husband tomorrow or 10 years from now. I could end up a step-mother, which is terrifying, or find someone who also hasn't had children by the time we meet. I could die, a lonely old hag, lady, maid, whatever you want to call it, just never having married at all or experienced child birth. Knowing that any of these options are viable is scary, simply because I don't know which one it's going to be. Dying alone is inevitable, even though twins come into the world with someone, doesn't mean they go out the same way. Truly anything could happen. My father used to tell me, "you want the relationship so badly, that's why it never happens for you." I think he meant that I want the relationship badly but I don't put in the right amount of effort, or I say and do the wrong things once I'm in the relationship.

After my last break up in 2019, I honestly thought I would rebound into another relationship so much quicker than the last breakup which took me 6 years to do. It's not from a lack of trying, I just get hit with the "he's just not that into you." I don't blame anyone for not wanting to put up with me but it'd be nice to grow and learn with someone other than myself. To me relationships have always been about building the life you've always wanted for yourselves and finding someone who shares both the same interests and has their own interests. Like both parts of the relationship still get to have separate interests but their ultimate goals in life are the same. Mutual trust and communication are also important. Trust is a hard one for me, I always assume I'm not good enough, and telling them that lets them know I am weak and insecure and an easy target to gaslight and manipulate in any situation they can.

When I fall for someone I fall hard, not stalker hard, I just give everything I have to and for that person, because I see them as my person. I'd do anything for them when we are together. For me it's like all the baked goods I used to work around at the grocery store, when I am hungry and without anything to eat all the options presented look great, but once I choose what I want my eyes are for them only. Even though I am not as religious as I used to, that part of my upbringing makes me cautious. Different religious groups and cultures have different ideas of men and women's roles in a society. It's hard to want to be a feminist but also wanting, and sometimes feeling like you need, the approval of a man. I can't go to my dad or grandfathers for advice, they've all passed away so I just keep swinging and missing every time.

Only time will really tell what my life will bring. I encourage anyone like me to just keep doing whatever seems to be working for you. If you find your person do what you can to be with them so that at the end of the day if things don't work out, you can say, "I did everything I could to make this work."