Divorce, from a Child's Perspective

The divorce rate in the United States is 40$-50%. Adults and children alike are affected by this separation. Some marriages end before children are brought into the mix, which possibly makes the separation easier. Nothing about divorce is necessarily easy, if abuse was involved there is trauma and healing to go through, if it was amicable, you're still likely to be left to deal with the loss of that connection. Once children come into the mix the effects are no longer just impacting the adults. There are both long-term and short-term effects of divorce.

The effects of divorce on the child are dependent on the age of the children/child, the agreement between the parents, did the court get involved, was everything amicable or was it abusive and angry, and how they react to watching their parents date and/or marry someone new. The age of the children/child has more long-term effects that can often be over seen and ignored because it's hard to know at exactly what point the divorce made it's impact. Younger children experience the divorce from all aspects, possible arguing matches between their parents, custody battles, court appeals and rulings, and everything that comes afterwards. The custody battles and court hearings, much of the time rule in the favor of the mother, in the case of abuse or drug addiction this decision is never made lightly. The interest is, or should, always be in the safety of the child and their well-being for a healthy life. Acting out at school, is the most common thing to occur in older children processing their parents divorce. "Divorce also permanently weakens the family and the relationship between children and parents." Children blame themselves for their parents divorce and they act out in a variety of different ways; stealing, dressing inappropriately, self-harm, feelings of loss and low self-esteem, religious indifference (a loss of faith), trouble connecting with peers and building their own relationships. It's statistically more likely for children who come from divorced homes to go through their own divorce.

Paperwork is inevitable. Filing for divorce is similar to filing for a marriage license, you have to go to the court house, possibly get an attorney, prepare your case for why you should be the one to get custody. People get divorced for many different reasons; falling out of love, arguments that escalate uncontrollably, abuse, and mutual parting of ways. The reason for the divorce directly affects every aspect of the divorce process. Divorce resulting from abuse and drug addiction are the biggest concerns when considering who should be given custody. The courts can only make a decision based on the information they are presented with. Children who come from abusive homes are more likely to become abusive towards their own partners or become the victims in an abusive relationship. Same for drug addiction, they may tolerate their partners addictions or have their own because they don't want to repeat the history of their parents and have their relationship fail, so they try everything they can to make things work.

The court can rule in different ways. Either the mother or father gains custody. Drug abuse can cause the court to rule in favor of the childrens' grandparents. Visitation rights are discussed; how often does the secondary care giver have their children? Every other weekend? Every other holiday? Every other week they live with each parent? Who gains custody in the event of death? Child support money is discussed and an amount is agreed upon, usually based on the number of children that are being cared for. However, it's never a guarantee that the primary care giver will ever see this money. It's important to understand that every situation is different. The older the children get the more they get a say in who they wish to live with. These types of agreements can be made without the courts involvement.

Watching your parents date and get remarried isn't easy either. As a the child you may remember what life is like to watch your own parents interact and find it hard to make those same connections with their parents new partners. It's especially difficult if you have a strong relationship with one parent more than the other. Unfortunately step-parents have not been depicted in the kindest of lights. Evil step-mothers and sexually abusive step-fathers are often depicted in fairy tales and television shows and movies. This depiction of re-marriage is harmful to young people, they immediately have this negative image of their parents new partners and find it difficult to connect with their step-parents because they have this idea that that this new person won't like them or treat them well. New relationships can be harmonious and all parents and children get along, merging two families changes things too. Gaining step-siblings and half-siblings. Gaining new siblings may actually help in many cases because it's like gaining a friend and family member.

Anyone going through a divorce feels like their world is changing or falling a part. It's important to be patient with your children as they process the separation and it's also important for the children to reach a moment of understanding and patience with their parents. The grass isn't always greener on the other side because it's only green where you water it. Offering counseling and therapy for kids who are having a hard time dealing with separation is important for parents to discuss with one another over time. Always keep health and safety of all people involved at the forefront of every decision being made. Help the children find hobbies and sports, music and writing. Encourage one another to do things they enjoy to help them cope and adjust through these changes.