Ugly As a Mother

It all starts with that little test. You sit waiting eagerly in the bathroom for those two lines; that plus sign with the one line to follow; the electronic screen with the word pregnant. What follows is the overwhelming feeling of excitement, followed by anxiety, and maybe a tiny bit of fear. After the grand announcement, everyone has so much advice to offer you. Strangers in the grocery store will tell you to sleep while you can because new babies never sleep. Your family will tell you not to spoil the baby, set rules early, and they hope the baby turns out to be just like you so you can experience all the hell you put them through. Other mothers will bombard you with questions on your approach to parenting so they can turn their noses up and judge you.

All the advice, the judgment, the hopes, and wishes are all shoved down your throat for you to take in and digest. But, nobody talks about the uglier sides of motherhood. Sure, the new baby doesn't sleep through the night so you lose sleep and that's what everyone said would happen. No one said that loss of sleep follows all the way into their adult years. The ugly truth is once you become a mother, a parent in general, you lose sleep every night. Sleep evades you as you wonder if your child knows that they are loved, wondering if you were too hard on them, lost your patience too quickly, or if they are safe and making good choices. Sleep evades you because it is nearly impossible to not worry.

Others will tell you worrying is normal and everyone worries about their children. The ugly truth is that no one mentions how you worry all the time about things you never worried about before and even the things you can't control. Whenever they get sick you worry if they are going to get better, and the worry is even worse when you fall ill. Anytime you're behind the wheel you worry if you'll make it home to your child, and when your child is in the backseat the worry is even greater if you both will make it home safe. You worry every time they leave the house if they will come home to you because the world is such a scary place. There are even days where you worry if people think your child is well-behaved and if people were judging you for losing your patience in the grocery store. The worrying can be so overwhelming somedays that you worry about your own sanity.

Everyone is so quick to give advice on the baby and all the ways life changes when the baby arrives, and how your life changes to be all about the baby, but no one talks about the ways you change. The ugly truth is there are days where you feel like you've lost your identity. Some days you don't know who you are as an individual anymore, when you look in the mirror you only recognize yourself as a parent. Other days you wonder if your partner still looks at you with the same amount of love even though you haven't spent any quality time together in several weeks. On social media you see all of your friends without kids out living their lives and wonder when your next five seconds alone will be. The even uglier truth is you’ll go days sometimes without brushing your hair and leaving it in the same messy bun. You’ll think you’ve really accomplished something if you managed to put jeans on even though your shirt is still stained with spit up. After days of focusing on everything else in the house like the children, your partner, the basic upkeep of your home you’ll remember to take a minute and shower. It might not be the most relaxing experience as your rushing to clean off the exhaustion as the baby is screaming for you.

Not every side of motherhood, or just parenthood in general, is pretty. The tired eyes held up by bags and dark circles underneath, the messy hair, stained clothes, mood swings can be ugly. What is beautiful is waking up next to your partner every morning and knowing you have support and that you are loved. It’s beautiful to be hugged so tightly by your children you feel like your heart might explode. Seeing the baby’s first smiles and hearing their first giggles as they’re looking up at you is a beautiful thing. Starting family traditions, spending nights at home laughing with your spouse, reading bedtime stories, bickering about whose turn it is to do tubby, being so tired you barely make it through the movie, and so many more tiny moments that are beautiful outweigh the ugly.

If you or someone you know seems to be struggling to adjust to parenthood, or you’re concerned about their well being tell them to call or text the Postpartum Support International Hotline (1-800-944-4773). As mother’s we are in this together.