Ugly As a Mother: Mom Guilt

Guilt can be an overbearing enemy some days. It washes over me randomly some days as I reflect on times I could’ve been better. My children know every button of mine to press, they know every nerve to get on, and they can’t help it and don’t always mean to. At the moment though, I forget, and because I forget I feel guilty.

They keep saying mom over and over and over, trying to get my attention to show me something. It’s the smallest thing that is of very little importance at the time, in comparison to me preparing dinner. I scream. I tell them I’m in the middle of something. I show very little interest because I am preoccupied. Then that moment is over. Just like that, guilt is knocking on my door.

Did you have to yell? Were you that caught up in prepping the meal? All it took was five seconds of your time to look. It might’ve been small and of little importance to you, but to them, it was huge and at that moment so important. But, the moment is gone.

I ask them to show me again so I can give my full attention, but they’re on to the next thing. Now I feel like I missed out on a precious moment. That was an opportunity for me to be patient and there with my child and I blew it. I’m beating myself up internally while serving dinner. Part of me wonders if they know that I’m sorry for not paying attention and that they’re important to me.

During our bedtime routine, they’re squirmy and giggly. I’m tired and just want to get bedtime done and over with. They’re squirming while I’m trying to dress them and I lose it. They cry and become even more uncooperative and I feel like I can’t hold it together. I’m losing it over and over again. The task can’t end soon enough. As I climb into my bed I take a moment to breathe. Guilt is creeping up the bed and towards me.

They were having fun, giggling from exhaustion. They were so tired they had to keep moving because they were fighting it. I was tired too, but that’s not an excuse. The bedtime story went quicker because I wasn’t as animated. I’m sure they noticed. I gave a quick hug and kiss because I was ready to be done. I’m sure they noticed that too. I wonder if they know that I love them.

I feel guilty for making them cry and feel as though I didn’t have time for them tonight. I sit up researching the gentle parenting techniques I see everyone on the internet talking about, and can’t help but laugh. They make it sound like it’s so easy to remain calm; like it’s so easy to not lose your cool when your child is deliberately disobeying you. I also laugh at the people who aren’t parents saying it’s the best way to parent and more people need to do it that way. At that moment I can’t help but think about all the things that we moms are made to feel guilty for.

You work full time and you feel guilty for missing out on all of the milestones, all of the school events, all the field trips, all those little moments you will never get back. You stay home full time and you feel guilty for not being more of a help to the household for your family, for wanting a minute or two away, for losing your cool because it’s just been a long day. You see people raving about the gentle parenting techniques and you feel guilty because you want to be that parent, but damn some days it is so hard.

Some days your kids fight you on eating their dinner, even though it’s a meal they have eaten a million times before. You still feel guilty for not letting them have dessert because you don’t want them to go to bed hungry, but you also need to stick to your word. Other days they fight you on getting dressed, what shoes to wear, brushing their hair and teeth, and just getting ready for the day in general. You’re trying to help them be more independent but you’re running late. You feel guilty for not giving them the choice of what to wear and how their morning routine goes because you want them to have their independence. They’re highly emotional some days and even the littlest thing can send them into full-on meltdown mode. You try to reason with them but they’re at an age where there is no reasoning, they are still learning to reason with circumstances. You feel guilty because they don’t understand that three more bites of dinner are a simple task, sitting still to brush their hair is a simple task. All of these tasks that are so simple can be extremely large tasks to them and you forget, and you feel guilty for not being more patient.

There are days where the baby won’t stop crying no matter what you do and you have to walk away. Then you feel guilty for not being able to figure out what is wrong and being able to soothe them. There is so much to do around the house but the kids just want you to sit with them. You feel guilty for sitting and doing nothing but you’d also feel guilty if you didn’t take the time to sit with them. It’s a constant battle, a constant struggle, to not feel guilty.

Even on your bad days though, your children love you. You are their world, their comfort, their joy. Every day they learn from you, grow with you, and look up to you more than you realize. The guilt isn’t going to go away for some time, and you’re always going to wonder if you’re doing enough. There’s always going to be that question on whether or not they know that you love them; if they know you would give them the world; if they know that they are a huge part of who you are. To all of the parents out there, I feel for you and I see you. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it! Guilt and all.

It’s a struggle to adjust to parenthood. It’s even more of a struggle to deal with the big emotions that come with it. If you ever feel like you need to talk call or text the Postpartum Support International Hotline for support (1-800-944-4773). We are all in this together.