Tribute to my Mother

My fate was sealed the moment I first put the words down on paper. Somethings just don’t seem real until you see it in black and white

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I sat there for 2 days prior to the exact date and time that she took in the air we shared for the last time.

01/08/18 at 7:58

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The room was dark and quiet. My face was wet and expressionless. She was warm and motionless. Her body was there, but she was gone.

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We had already cried and said our gestured goodbyes, but I couldn’t muster the courage to leave her there.

Alone

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I had helped care for her in the years leading to that day in 2018. She had dementia, but not the, forget who you are kind. Just the, I saw some albino opossum in the trees last night, kind. She hallucinated a little. We had some fun with it and she laughed at herself, although if honest, you could see the fear in her eyes. As long as she was willing to ignore it, I obliged.

Mom was funny and ornery and sassy. She raised 6 of us kids, along with my father (who, by the way, just turned 90-he is amazing too)who was a railroader, and was gone days at a time. She struggled with bi-polar disorder. Believe me, when we were young, before being diagnosed and medicated, life was crazy. She fought her demons and did her best to wrestle with her illness and keep up with everything we needed.

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She was a warrior

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My grandfather died when I was 8. I was being ornery, and had refused to give him a kiss and yelled goodbye over my shoulder behind me as I ran out the door to the car laughing-at his expression of disappointment.

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There are 6 of us kids Mick is the oldest then Marty, my twin sisters Kim and Kris and my twin brother Kirk and myself

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The next afternoon after school my mother gathered us all together into the living room to give us the tragic news. There had been an accident, he was repairing a barn roof, lost his footing and fell. It took the ambulance over 40 minutes to find his farm, and he suffocated due to the damage to his lungs.

He was gone.

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I know now that I had absolutely nothing to do with this, but my 8 year old mind told me otherwise. I had told him goodbye! I refused to kiss him, and I would never get a proper last moment. I felt so guilty and sad.

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Since that moment, I rarely, if ever, use that word. Especially with people I love. Goodbye - had become a battle word. I began to use “see ya” whenever I was leaving and everyone let me.

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I was 53 when I lost my mother and I wept like a child.

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We were bonded. We talked everyday. But I also wrote her letters, because that was how she liked to communicate with her mother. She was my rock, my best friend. She loved my children with such passion and I have struggled daily since she passed, to exist in a world she is not in.

I still write to her

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41 days after her death my marriage dissolved beyond repair, and I moved out. In May, my youngest graduated and moved into an apartment 3 hours away. Both of my girls were gone to college, and I felt what I felt as I remembered my mother in that dark room in January.

Alone.

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The one person I had always depended on to vent, give me advice, console and hear me was gone. I actually used her in my perfect date story. The portion in my story about my relationship with my parents was 100% accurate. She loved and protected me well. And that kind of love is hard to get over.

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I’m writing this story for a few reasons.

First, to put in black and white and make real this fact: My mother was an amazing and strong woman. She persevered through many trials with grace and dignity. I miss so many things about her that I naïvely never thought about, prior to her death. She was always there, and I guess I assumed she always would be.

Secondly, to leave an accurate account for my daughter’s. They have their childhood memories of her, but she was so much more than grandma.

Thirdly, as a tribute:

Sandi was an amazing human, a strong woman in an era that didn’t always make that connection or give that credit.

She loved fiercely, she failed occasionally. She struggled and succeeded daily without rewards or acknowledgement. I am changing that today, 4-30-21.

My mom was and will always be my hero.

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I will strive everyday to be equally as strong as she was, so my girls become the products of shear determination and love ❤️