Trial and Error in Fatherhood

Big, worn out hands. A towering figure that provides both safety and comfort, yet commands authority. A tone of voice that can be inviting, or corrective. "Dad" is a term that many can relate to happily. The man we look up to, modeling our behavior and decisions, sometimes after they're long gone.

That is not the case for everybody. Sometimes life chooses those who are meant to observe from a distance, or even partake in less than desirable actions. Such situations offer prime examples of what not to do.

Coming from a broken home can add to the challenge of knowing what is right from wrong. Several other male and female figures weaving their way in and out of life only add to the confusion. Some offer good insight while others inflict traumatic damage that imprints itself in your memory like stains that no cleaning agent in the world can remove.

There was a time I thought running down an alley while suspended over a shoulder was a game. One minute, you're a three year old hanging out with your mom on a cool Summer day. The next, your "dad" comes out of nowhere to (literally) pick you up and take off in a dead sprint. It may sound like a childhood dream to have such fun with your dad, until years later you find out it was borderline kidnapping.

Among the same timeline, what should have been a simple haircut at home, a few curse words and a cut on your ear later would leave you with more than a scar you will never forget.

Not all memories are bad, like the time you went for a family bike ride. A thirty minute drive to a trail in a city you vaguely remember visiting in your nine years of being alive. A smooth pavement winding through luscious Midwest forestry allow for some peaceful pedaling.

However, the whole ride is not one for enjoyable memory. A few miscues between yourself, your dad and his newest "mother figure" lead to unjustified wrath and a mangled bike frame before it's all said and done.

Over the years, you learn to adapt to extreme volatility. You get comfortable being uncomfortable. Anxiety and stress keep you from gaining weight or sleeping soundly like people claim they do with fancy mattresses you feel you will ever only see on TV. The floor is just as comfortable if you position a couple T-shirt correctly around yourself.

You might figure being a teen would help improve tension, but you would be wrong. Getting older only inhibits greater expectations and larger consequences. You are forced to decide between getting a "real" job not long after hitting puberty. You are reprimanded for unsatisfactory grades by someone that never graduated High School. You are told that if you want something more than a roof over your head, to pay for it yourself.

This is the fast track for growing up and building your resiliency. It is a firsthand experience of how to become self-reliant while juggling adulthood before you realize that is exactly what is happening. It is a rare glimpse for outsiders to see a boy exhibit obedience, work ethic and shear kindness to anybody willing to offer so much as half a smile.

You're driven to succeed, even though you were told you would be nobody. You give your all in the workforce, since sports in the town revolved around who your parents were rather than how much you had to offer the team, and you wanted the money to try to fit in, anyway.

You spent every available hour you could away from "home". Whether it be at a friend's house where you could seek refuge and just be a kid, or if it were in school where you tried desperately to make someone like you, anybody. Or once school was out, you tried to pick up shifts at your job, working full-time hours well before graduating High School.

All of this experience led to your eventual decision to join the military. It wasn't until then that you realized what a true male figure was supposed to be: strong both physically and mentally, firm yet fair judgement, educating, and supporting.

Yes, they could be harsh, but it was only ever for the greater good. They were not rude and their objectives always aligned with the same mission: to turn you into a Soldier. A Soldier they could stand beside proudly. A product of an environment less than 1% of Americans experience.

This was the true turning point. Your learned how to communicate effectively. You learned about strength you had all along, but was never inspired to dig deeper. You are taught to never give up on yourself and you realize you never really did anyway.

After a few years of military experience, you get to learn how to be a leader. You place the needs of others before yourself. You begin to comprehend that sacrificing your own wants in needs in life are more than just about tradition, it's about being a man, a role model. It's about earning respect while inspiring trustworthiness. You accept that you are meant to serve a greater purpose and you will.

This is not to say you have to join the military to learn the same things. It's just a perspective from someone who did.

You have kids of your own and it's up to you to be the best man you can be. You encourage them to be their best while continuing to make yourself a better person in every way you can. You love them unconditionally. You teach them with a module adapted to derive as much of the content at hand from them as you can. You collaborate, listen and implement plans and decisions together.

They are your focal point. It means getting up throughout the night to aid them when they are babies. It means enduring their testing as toddlers, while enjoying every second of their innocent actions as they stumble their way into daycare, then pre-school.

Their smiles light the darkest of moods. Any sadness activates your instinct to help them fix whatever is going on in their lives. The moments that seem small at the time are often the memories neither of you will ever forget.

Being a father is the greatest thing a man can be in life, but it is not for everyone. Life has a way of throwing things at you when you least expect them, or you do, and you're just not ready.

A man is often expected to endure these hardships, many times on their own. We are sometimes perceived to be superhuman in challenging situations, doing our best to shoulder as much of any load as we can. We are not supposed to complain. We are not supposed to buckle. We are to bite, claw and fight our way through whatever obstacles get in our way, and be ready for more after the day is done.

Add being a father to the mix, and things can get even more complicated. But this is where we have to decide if we are going to rise to the occasion, or let life sweep us under the rug.

These are the decisions our children will remember and they will either choose differently in spite of our shortfalls, or they will mimic our decisions to stand tall.

What fathers have to realize is that it is okay to ask for help. It is okay to fail, so long as we learn and adapt from those mistakes. It is definitely okay to let the kids in on your lessons, and incorporate them in the decision making process where applicable.

We are human, raising humans to be human. Failure is apart of life and frankly, it is pivotal to learning. Our task as being "dad" means putting the kids before ourselves. It often requires a great deal of sacrifice, but with the tradeoff of great reward when executed with the best of intentions.

I have learned that being a dad is not easy, but it is absolutely worth more than all the money in the world.