To The Men In My Life

To all the heroes in my life,

To the man who picked me the first time around and continues to do so. My sweets, I love you so much. You are the strength that I need when I feel like my world is falling apart. Thank you for showing me what it means to be loved and how to love properly. I will try each day to make you proud of the person I am becoming.

To the man who never picked me. I am sorry we have come to this. I am sorry that the way you tried to love me made me a runner because you yourself are a runner. My Dad was always right if you wanted to be there you would have. Camas was never far away from Washougal you just didn't want to do the actual hard work. You didn't want to go to therapy take the meds and be the person that I and my siblings needed. It's fine you made your choices in this life and I am choosing mine. I don't want you in my life, I am sorry for that but it's the truth. I love my sister even though I haven't seen her in years and I loved great-grandma and Candy even if I wasn't always fair to them. I didn't want them in my life because I didn't want you. That isn't the case now, I miss my sister and I still cry for my grandma's but I don't miss you, because I don't know you. Every time we tried it just hurt me more. The truth is your actions made me runner when I am a Walker.

To the man who picked me even when I was just a baby. Dad, you are the most frustrating man I have ever met and yet I couldn't love you more. You are stubborn like me because you love hard. We are just on opposite ends of the spectrum of love and life. Hell, probably even in our brains too because I believe I am indeed on the spectrum. You say you love me unconditionally but then call things I love stupid. I know it's because you don't understand and I get that but it still really hurts me. It makes me feel like you only choose to love the parts of me that you get. I know you don't understand nonbinary but it is only because I do not feel like a woman or a man. Yes biologically I know I am a woman but gender itself is also a spectrum. God didn't decide what man or woman was. We did, we gave those terms meaning. I have never been a part of one world or the other. That is why I have always made friends with everyone. This is probably why I am also pansexual. I love to love things and yes sometimes it gets me in trouble but mostly it just makes me all the more loveable. As for religion, I am an omnist meaning I agree with every religion and therefore respect every religion. I understand you are afraid I won't get into heaven if I follow the path I am on. That I won't get to see grandpa again but what you don't see is that I already have. I talked to grandpa the night me and my cousin and best friends played board games. I spent a whole week with grandpa and grandpa storyteller and they aren't leaving my side. Not until we start fixing our family anyway. I want grandpa to rest so that's why I have been fighting so hard to fix everything. That and the fact that you made me a perfectionist. I don't want you to see me like a stupid little girl anymore I have thought each of these decisions out and I know who I am now. I just hope you can respect that and me because I tried so hard to be who you wanted for 29 years and it was killing me. I can't be the girl you remember anymore because that was never the real me.

To the men, I've lost in death and life. God, I miss you. I love you and I hope where ever you are now you are happy. I will always cry a little when I think about you because we have so many beautiful memories together. I won't cry for long though because you showed me the path to Love and myself. You freed me from my attachments and own fears so that I could fly. I love you guys and know someday we will meet again.

Love always your best friend,

Celestial Deadbeat