To My Querida, or Querido

“Ring around the rosies, pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down.”

i. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

It’s another beautiful day in San Antonio, Texas I suppose. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, the warm temperature is perfect, without a cloud in sight. This day should be the perfect day. But, instead, I’m standing here in the ashes of my home.

Sure, I haven’t lived here in over 25 years, and many things have changed. Yet, standing here I can see it all like it was yesterday. I drive by this place more often than I like to admit, especially on days like today, when I quit my job without a single new prospect.

I guess I come here instinctively because it makes me feel closer to my grandparents. Even after all this time, not a day goes by that I’m not missing them. Driving by today hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel like I’m losing them all over again. The house, the garden, everything. It’s all gone.

I can barely breathe standing here in the space where my grandfather always sat in his favorite chair. The next thing I know I’m on my hands and knees in the soot, crying like the chillona (crybaby) I am. I bury my hands in the ashes and the dirt and will myself disappear like everything else, but unexpectedly my fingers feel something hard and cold beneath them.

I brush and dig the dirt away to find a small green metal box that looks a little familiar. I have a flashback of my grandfather with it. Could this really be his?! I stumble to open the box and inside I find a little black book. I don’t know if I’ve stopped crying since I knelt in this space, but the tears aren’t stopping now.

I open the book and see his writing,

“To my querida, or querido,

As I write these words I am looking at your smiling faces and praying to the universe, believing with all of my faith, that one day one of you will find this and know just what to do.

I met your Abuelita when we were both sick in the tuberculosis clinic in 1965. For me, it was love at first sight, even though it took her a little bit of time to warm up to me.

When we were set to leave the clinic she finally agreed to go out with me and the rest became our history. I knew then that everything happens for a reason so I went back to the place where we had met and decided to give something back to the universe for us. I got hired to landscape the property, so I planted a tree and flower bed right in the spot where your Abuela said yes to our first date.

The building has changed since then, but the tree and flowers remain. When I became sick, I knew that there was only so much of what I taught you that you’d remember. And, perhaps even less of where you came from that you’d know. So I made a plan to give you just a few more gifts mi corazones, and I prayed to the heavens that one day one of you would find this.

Take one last journey with me. Do me this favor. Go to the address 6711 S New Braunfels Ave. It’s in a roundabout but there you will find a small picnic park, with a live oak tree and a bed of Blackfoot daisies near it. In that flower bed in the far right corner closest to the tree I have buried a small metal box. Please find it, as it contains another clue from the past for the future.

Love, your Abuelo

ii. It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.

At this moment I realize I’m no longer kneeling in the grass but standing straight up in the same spot and I have no idea what I’m feeling other than shock. I grab my keys, the metal box, the book and head to my car. In less than 10 minutes I pull up to the address and find a small picnic area just like the letter said. My heart is pounding in my chest. I don’t know why I feel like I’m connecting to everything and nothing all at once. Is this actually happening? I pick up the letter again and see my hands are shaking. They never do that.

When I walk up to the spot in the flower bed that my grandpa mentioned I feel goosebumps all over and I take a minute to close my eyes imagining him planting this exact tree, and these flowers. It’s like a dream. I kneel and dig a bit with my fingers. Burying my hands in the soil reminds me of my sister and me making mud tacos from sticks, leaves, and dirt while he gardened.

Something cold and metal touches my skin. I dig a little further to uncovering a tiny metal box that fits in the palm of my hand. Inside there’s a pocket watch. It was my grandfather’s. We searched everywhere for it when he passed! We had hoped to keep this memento of his, but it was here all along. Opening it I see a picture of him and mi Abuela when they were so young. It is not lost on me the space in which I am standing.

I walk over to a picnic table with everything, and open the book. Reading his next words, I hear his voice clearly in my mind.

“This watch you have found was given to me by your Abuela, mi Refugia the day we moved in together. It has marked every minute of our time, our love, and the life we built.

I lived a very different life before I went into that clinic, but everything changed the moment our journey began.

Behind the picture of your grandma and me, you will find a number. Take this and go to the address of my best friend at 317 Washington Street.

Tell them who you are, and they will know why you’re there.

Te amo.”

At this point, there’s nothing to do but follow mi Abuelo’s last wishes. A fire feels lit within me, and I turn the picture over from the pocket watch to find the number 0179 written on it. 0179… 0179… I keep repeating it in my mind until it hits me. January 1979 is the month and year my sister was born. I feel lost but on the right track simultaneously which is basically the story of my life. I head to my car anyway to go to this next address.

iii. There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them.

When I arrive at the address from the letter, I am at the door and knocking before I even realize it. As the door opens, I see the face of a man about my age looking back at me.

“Hello, sir. My name is Daniella Ortiz, and I am the granddaughter of Felipe Ruiz, Sr. I know you don’t know me, but I found this little black book that belonged to him and in it was a letter telling me to come here.”

“Hello Daniella, come in! I know exactly who you are. We've been expecting you for quite some time. My name is Pedro De Leon, and I knew your Abuelo.”

When I step into the house, I feel safe and at peace immediately because the first picture I see is one of my grandfather smiling back at me.

“If you don’t mind giving me a minute, I will go get what you are looking for. Make yourself at home.”

I am drawn to a little table and wall space that has multiple pictures of my grandfather. He is often with a group of the same young men and I can see him aging from just a boy to a grown man with them. It’s clear that he was loved here.

Pedro walks in carrying a briefcase, and gestures for me to sit down.

“Our abuelos were best friends growing up. I don’t know if you know this, but they only made it as far as the 3rd grade before they had to quit school and begin looking for work to help their families. Your grandfather and a group of the boys from the neighborhood all worked together and took care of each other. But times were hard.

Many of the Mexican families had to leave San Antonio just to survive, but that wasn’t an option for them. The boys who stayed would migrate to the valley during picking seasons to work and would send money back home. They traveled a great deal and it was dangerous on the roads. There were thieves, coyotes, and more from what they told me.

One day, on their last trip heading back to San Antonio, our grandpas and a couple of their friends were stopped by armed thieves on the road. They held mi Abuelo at gunpoint. I don’t really know the whole story of course, but from what they said your grandfather was somehow able to distract and disarm one of the thieves, then the other one surrendered. He saved their lives that day.”

“Oh my gosh. I didn’t know any of that happened. I mean I kind of remember him talking about the fields and having a group of friends, but I just didn’t know that much I guess.”

“That’s understandable. We knew so much more because our grandfather loved your grandfather like a brother and always told us none of us would be here without him. He saved all of our lives in a way.

He was like a second grandfather to me. You might not remember me, but we have met before, and I was there at the funeral. Before your grandpa got too sick to travel without his oxygen, he came to the house to talk to my grandpa and left this briefcase with us.

He said one day someone from his family would come to this door and say just what you had said. On that day, we should tell you his story, your history, and give you this. My grandfather passed shortly after yours did, but we have been saving this for you all of this time.”

iv. Know that I am with you the only way that I can be, until you're in my arms again, remember me.

Pedro puts the briefcase in my trembling hands and I realize that I’m crying. The briefcase has a 4 digit lock on it, and I know right away that this is what the numbers behind the pocket watch photo are for. When it snaps open, I find separate folders for each of my grandfather's grandchildren.

In the file marked for me, I find multiple bonds in my name that are now worth a little over $20,000. Each grandchild's folder contains the same, with bonds in their names. Then I find a letter that is addressed just like the one from the little black book:

“To my querida, or querido,

Today you learned stories about a past you don’t remember, that led you to this exact moment in time. Perhaps today you also learned the lesson of my youth; Everything happens for a reason, and family and friends are everything.

The measure of a person isn’t in the material world, mi amor. But it is in the love and legacy that we leave behind. That is true success.

Hard work and determination will get you far in this life, but remember to give back to the universe when it grants your heart's desires.

Here is a seed to water and watch grow for each of you, mi corazones. Remember where you came from, live the life you dream of, and leave something better behind for the future.

I am with you always.

Love, your Abuelo