To Mampau With Love

Dear Mampau,

As another Mother’s Day passes, I look back on the way things once were. I think back on the times that we had, and I think of how it is now that I am a mother myself. Despite how things have changed, some things stay the same. Now and then I find myself tearing up as I think of what life would be like if you were still here.

It’s hard to believe its been nearly twenty years since you’ve passed. There were so many things that you were looking forward to. We were planning my eighteenth birthday and prom. You were already planning my wedding and watching my children grow up. You always worried about me growing up and leaving you. However, by a tragic twist of fate, you ended up leaving me. I wonder if there was anything I could have done to have saved you. What if I had stopped you from leaving that night? What if I had gone with you? Would you still be here today?

It’s been a long road the past nineteen years. I like to think that you’ve been able to watch my life continue. I feel you are still around me, just as you’ve always been. I graduated High School and College. I got married, had three incredible kids, and divorced. I finally got my dream job of helping people. I’ve also put my creative side to use in writing.

While I never imagined myself growing up, I’m thirty-six years old now. While time always seemed to move incredibly slow as a child, it goes by a flash now. I imagine you laugh whenever I wake my daughters up. You thought I was difficult, I think I’ve gotten my payback. You taught me how to grow a tight bond with my daughters. You were my best friend, though I wonder if you ever realized it.

You taught me a lot. There were times that we traded places where I felt more like the mother than the daughter. I always told you that mankind was generally good. I’m sorry you had to leave this world due to one man’s hatred. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there the moment you needed me most. I didn’t hear your calls for help, I didn’t watch you go. I still ask myself why I survived that night. The only logical explanation is that I had things to do. When you died, I was told that the pain would eventually go away. I don’t think it ever does. It fades a bit, but the scars remain for a lifetime. What ifs continue to linger in my brain. I find myself still asking questions that must remain unanswered. What went through your mind in those last moments? Did you know how much you really meant to me?

Since I’ve grown up, I’ve realized that there were scars that I was able to hide, even from myself. I struggle with doubt, wondering if I deserve to find my own happiness. Sometimes I look at the world and see darkness and fear. Somewhere along the road, I’ve lost myself. I try to pinpoint the moment it happened, the defining moment that my soul got buried underneath the life, hope, and love that once was. I was strong because you needed me to be.

I watched you struggle to find your happy place. I held you while you cried. I argued with you when you told me that I would someday abandon you. I laughed with you in those special moments, moments that will always live on in my memories. I’m sorry you’re not here now. I hope that somewhere along the way, you realized that I loved you. That I still love you. As I continue on this crazy ride called life, I carry you with me in my heart.