Then It's Gone

Every day is predictable: I wake up at 6:00 am, brush my hair, brush my teeth, and put on my clothes. Make breakfast for Nick and Max. Start coffee. This is my morning, every morning since Max was born. I once had a life where I had to wake up early and rush out the door before eating. I’d grab a coffee and a pastry from the local drive through coffee lounge. I was a nursing assistant. I loved my job; I loved the people I worked for. Then I became pregnant and became a stay at home mom with Max. Max is my world. Nick always wanted a wife that stayed home with their children, and could teach them the alphabet and their colors. He wanted that wife who gave up everything for their child and had a hot dinner ready for their husband when they came home from a long day at the office. I never intended to be that person, and now I am that wife.

I do not resent Nick, no, but I do miss my old life. Motherhood has aged me, it has made me tired and stressed. I did not expect this when I became pregnant, when we first saw those little feet and hands on that ultrasound picture. I wonder if I’m truly honest with myself, if I was ever meant to be a mother. Motherhood always seemed so drab to me, and I had a different idea planned out for my life. Then I met Nick.

Most days on my way home from a 12 hour day at the hospital I would go into a quiet little coffee house. I would get my usual, a large vanilla latte with a blueberry muffin, and sit next to the bay window. After working in a hospital all day, the noise, the bright lights, I needed that little coffee shop on my way home. It is as if I finally had my peace for the day, and I truly enjoyed watching the people, the couples; walk past on the side walk.

Anyways, Nick came in once, then twice, and on the third day that we saw each other, he finally approached me. He was new to the city, fresh out of law school, and had gotten a job with a local law firm. The law firm was small and mostly dealt with petty crimes. Nick was handsome, tall with dark hair and dark eyes, always freshly shaven. He wore suits which made him look professional, too professional for me I thought. I was always in my scrubs, usually dirty by that time. Nick had come over to my little table in the corner looking out onto the street. He asked me if he could sit, and I nodded to the empty chair across from mine. We talked for two hours before I realized the time and needed to get home to get some sleep. The following days we made it a ritual to have evening coffee on our way home from work.

After several weeks of our coffee house meetings, he finally asked me on a proper date. No coffee or muffins, a nice Thai restaurant. Nick wasn’t like a lot of the guys I had dated. He was intelligent, handsome, and he also had more traditional views on life. I was not used to those views as I grew up in a divorced home, with my mother having more than one boyfriend throughout my childhood. Nick’s family was very traditional. Work-a-holic father, stay at home mother, 2 sisters and 1 brother, all college graduates with prominent careers. Nick was the second to the youngest. His father was a big shot lawyer back in Boston. His career allowed for his wife to be a stay at home mom, and by the looks of her, she hasn’t worked a day in her life most likely. They married when they were young and shortly after marriage they had Rachel. Mrs. Arlot was the kind of wife every man wanted. She was stunning in her younger years, she took care of the children without complaining, and she always had a clean home and hot meal on the table for Mr. Arlot when he came home. Mr. Arlot spent most of his days at the office, and eventually got a maid for his wife. A Christmas present I suppose.

Nick’s family, was… not as accepting to me as Nick was. His mother was rather snobbish. She always made sure to let me know that Rebecca graduated from Georgetown University, and Morgan was a Columbia graduate. Marcus was the youngest, he and Nick were very close and they both attended University of Pennsylvania in the law program. Nick and Marcus originally had these elaborate plans of living in New York and working at the same law firm, and eventually opening up their own firm. Nick being 2 years older than Marcus had graduated first, and he worked at a small firm in Pennsylvania while he and Marcus shared an apartment together. A few months before Marcus was to graduate, he got accepted into a law firm in Manhattan, but Nick did not. After a while they started to grow a part, and Nick moved to Hoboken, New Jersey.

I had always planned to go back to college. My dream was to be a registered nurse instead of just an assistant. Plans don’t always work out the way you want them to I suppose. My mother has always been my biggest supporter. My mom was great; she was the sweetest lady I have ever known. She was married to my dad, but he was not a very nice man, so one day in the middle of the night when he was at work as an over the road trucker, my mom packed our bags and the three of us left. I was 9 and my sister, Carmella, was 7. The three of us have always been close, and we all still reside in Hoboken. My mom is a nurse in a nursing home, and my sister is a dental hygienist. We don’t get to see each other much these days, I’m not sure why.

I never really thought about what my life would be, or what I wanted. Marriage and children didn’t really seem like a reality to me. I didn’t really see myself “settling” down and becoming a mother. I liked the busy days of the hospital, and my quiet nights at home by myself. I have always been the quiet type. Growing up because of our poverty status, I didn’t have many friends, mainly just my sister. I didn’t mind that, but Carmella always wanted something more. She had wanted to leave Hoboken and move somewhere else like California. But when we were kids, in our one bedroom apartment, listening to our mom cry, we made a pact to never leave her. Carmella may have had dreams, but she honored our pact.

Back to Max. When I found out I was pregnant I had been sick for several weeks. I would be working and certain smells would make my stomach turn. Nick finally convinced me to go to the doctor, and the doctor told me I was likely pregnant. He made me take a pregnancy test there and it was positive. I was pregnant. Nick and I had only been married a year, and we hadn’t discussed children in length. I knew he wanted kids, but I was unsure. Would I make a good mother? Could I raise a child? I wasn’t even sure I was a good wife. I sat there, not sure on what to say. I was shocked, we were always careful. I took birth control and used condoms. How did this happen? I didn’t know how to tell Nick. I knew he would be excited, but I didn’t want him to see that I wasn’t sure about a pregnancy and a baby.

When I got home Nick was already there, he was sitting on the couch watching the news. He immediately turned off the TV and looked at me, his green eyes, wide, staring into mine, with half a smile on his face. Nick was an intelligent man; I think he already knew what I was going to tell him. I tried to force a smile on my face, and I looked at him, and told him the doctor said I was pregnant. Nick, as predicted, was ecstatic. He jumped up and took me into his arms. “That’s wonderful! I need to call my mom and tell her the news! I’ve been waiting for this!”. I smiled to him and told him I was tired and needed to go lay down. Truthfully, I just wanted to get away from his happiness.

I could hear him on the phone with his mother, telling her how we just found out I was expecting. His mother didn’t take the news well. I knew from the first time I met her that she didn’t like me, and that she had a different idea on the perfect girl for her beloved son, and I was not her. From the bedroom I could hear Nick arguing with his mother, and assuring her this is what he wants. The arguing made me feel sick. Eventually I fell asleep. I don’t know when Nick came in, but when I woke up in a sleep filled haze, he was in bed with me and rubbing my stomach in his sleep.

The pregnancy was surreal. I was sick a lot, and could only eat toast, crackers, soup, and bananas. Water even made me feel sick, but I sucked it down anyways. A wedge of lemon helped sometimes. Nick was excited during my whole pregnancy, insisting that he comes to every doctor’s appointment. I didn’t mind him coming, as driving sometimes made me feel dizzy. His mom insisted that we see a midwife, as she believed that they were more educated on childbirth. I had my doubts, but because I didn’t know what to expect, I just went with it.

When I turned 38 weeks pregnant, Nick and I both took leave from work. During that time Nick had asked me if I would be a stay at home mom. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t really want to be; I loved my job and was hoping to advance my career someday. However, I knew that my being home with our child was something that was really important to Nick. I was conflicted. Talking to my mom, she wanted me to be strong and independent and be who I wanted to be. Nick was so convincing though. He would tell me how it’s much better for a baby to be with its mother than to be with strangers for 8 hours a day. By the time I hit 40 weeks he had convinced me that it would be best to stay home, so I handed in my papers to not return after leave. I was a little sad.

The day had finally come. I had awoken with back pains and I knew today was it. I was almost 41 weeks pregnant. I rolled over and told Nick I was sure I was in early labor. He was so excited. I was scared. We got up and packed our bags and had a light breakfast. I walked around our little house, up and down the stairs, to keep things going. Finally after a few hours I felt it was time to go to the hospital birth center. My midwife was there waiting for me. After a few more hours, and a lot of profanities, our baby had arrived. We hadn’t settled on a name at this point as we didn’t know the sex of the baby before he was born, but he was a boy, and we named him Max.

The first few hours of Max’s life were a blur. I was hungry, tired, and in a lot of pain. Nick held Max the most as I had a hard time staying awake. I would drift in and out of sleep, waking up with more after pains. My mom and Carmella came to visit us first, early the next day. My mom was so happy to see and hold Max. Her face lit up and she couldn’t stop smiling. She even sang him a song that she used to sing to me as a little girl. The day we got discharged Nick’s family came to visit. Just his mom and dad. His dad seemed happy, but his mom was standoffish. She held Max, but it wasn’t the same way that my mom did. There were no songs, no kisses, and no tears. I could tell she was very uncomfortable being there. Nick was no longer her little boy; he was a married man and a father.

When we got home Nick was helpful for the first few days, but after that, I had to resume housewife duties. Breastfeeding was a pain, not only did it hurt, but Max cried all the time. I wasn’t sure I was feeding him enough. The lactation nurse kept assuring me I was, but I was unsure. He cried so much and many times I could not soothe him. The doctor had said he probably had colic and to not worry, but that’s all I could do. Nick seemed to work long hours after Max was born, making me feel alone, and tired. I sometimes wished for a long drive and to sit in my little coffee house again, sipping a latte and watching the people walk by on rain covered sidewalks. Some days I felt depressed.

Max is 3 years old now. The years have gone by fast, and most days feel like a blur. Days run by and turn into weeks, then years, and I don't know how I get through it all. I no longer work outside the house. My days are filled with cartoons, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and spills. So many spills. It doesn't matter what is in the cup, or what kind of cup, but somehow Max spills it on the floor.

I try to talk to my mom and sister daily, but for some reason I don't talk to them much anymore. I'm not sure why. They call, but I don't have the energy to pick up the phone and talk to them. We aren't as closed as we used to be. Mrs. Atlow has been calling as well, which is strange. She used to never call during the day when she knew I was the only one home. She hates me, so why is she calling so much? I don't talk to her, but I hear Nick talking to her in the other room almost every night. I know they're talking about me, I can hear him say things like, "Yeah she's doing alright I guess", or "She seems fine under the circumstances". Under what circumstances I wonder. Nick rarely talks to me, he says he's just tired from work, so I don't ask what him and Mrs. Atlow are talking about. I don't really care anymore.

Most nights Nick comes home after Max is already in bed. I actually don't know when the last time Nick and Max spent any time together. I warm up left overs from the dinner Max and I shared, usually they is a lot left because Max doesn't eat much. He grabs a glass of whiskey and eats his food at the table. I sit there quietly wondering if he'll talk to me about his day. But he just eats his food, drinks his whiskey, and then says he's going to bed. I clean up his dinner, and the house is quiet.

I don't like the quiet much. It feels weird. So different from what I'm used to. I grab a glass of wine and try to watch some TV. Every night I struggle to just relax. I flip through the channels, my mind numb to the world. I sip my wine, then I grab another glass. I gulp the second glass. And it's back, the headache I've been getting every night for months is back. That damn headache.