The Trouble With...(Pt. 12)

I can’t tell you what Snoop Dogg means by the term ‘church.’ I can only tell you what I have surmised it to be. That meaning to me was taken from the slang term ‘word.’ A person says it to emphasize a remark made by a friend, or agree with what was said. I always thought the natural progression of the terms came to be slang for ‘amen.’ This is the ‘word’ of God, so be it. I heard Snoop Dogg use ‘church,’ and assumed that was what he meant. I don’t know if he was the first to use it, but he was the first person I ever heard use it.

This kind of thing always makes me wonder how everyone talks to God. Do you talk to him with reverence? Do you speak to him like a parent, or like a friend, or perhaps a confidant? Maybe you speak to Him in anger, or like He’s your subconscious? I’m sure if you pray, you must speak to Him differently depending on where you are, physically, and where you are in your life. In the still quiet part of you when you are alone, and you are in His presence, and there is nothing secret between you, and He knows you and how you think and talk and act, how do you talk to God? Or do you? I'm not judging, just asking.

Bam. Really, just that quick. When I think about it now, I wonder if it was that quick for everyone else. It was one moment, but it was THE moment. People talk about how there are certain milestones in their lives: a certain birthday, marriage, first-born child, when you know you're in love, when there is a death. Ahh, death. That's it. So many kinds of death. All of them painful. You can never say my pain is greater than your pain. Who can judge the value of a loss? It is a terrible ache. It is unbearable. And yet, we bear it! There is music. There is laughter. There is joy. There is life. And then there is none.

And then there is none.

Bam. Just like that. I thought I could still feel the music. I thought I could still hear the joy all around me. I thought I was still alive. But, in that moment, I died too. I just didn't know it. One moment. It changed everything. That's an easy word to say, 'everything.' But, really, think about everything you know, see, hear, touch, smell and taste.

When Justin was killed.

I couldn't turn around in the car because he wasn't sitting in the back seat anymore.

I couldn't sign Christmas cards, or any cards from the whole family anymore. I couldn't open his birthday gifts or Christmas presents for 6 years. (I don’t even remember why I finally opened them.) I couldn't really laugh about things and feel like I meant it. I couldn't see his infectious smile. I couldn't hold and hug his slender 15 year old body. I couldn't smell his 'after band or wrestling practice teenage sweat' again. I couldn't taste his sweet kisses. I couldn't hear his laughter or the way he said, "Doh!" whenever he made a mistake. And I never will again. Even if I’m blessed to be with him ‘in a better place,’ there isn’t a physical body to touch.

BAM! Just like that. I asked, "Father, why hast Thou forsaken me?" He answered kindly, "Shannon, you did very well with Justin. A prodigy! I stuck a fork in his butt. He was done. I had to take him out!"

"Church." I replied.