The thing about it all

The thing about it all is why? Why would you give me this? Am I being punished or is this some sick joke? This can’t be real. I mean how could a being with a heart do something so cruel as to make another suffer like this. From bad words, to sudden hurt, from suffering to to not eating. These are the things I grew up dealing with. Have grandparents is so vocal when you struggling with bad parenting. Many times they save your life and I don’t just mean that figuratively. I can’t count how many times my grandmother saved but I know for every-time I was grateful.

I could remember when she died, the one person who truly cared. She was my light, my peace and the one who made me feel complete. But usually I called her grandma. She didn’t hate or chastise nor did she invalidate me. She made me feel like I was the only one who mattered. Saying it out loud it sounds a bit conceited, but honestly I was an alright person. I grew up being called words like spoiled and selfish so I began to act that way alittle, but it was not to the extent that I need this much of a lesson. After she left I thought maybe it was a humble experience, but never did I imagine that it would last this long. 9 years of pain and hurt and yet the universe must think it’s still not enough. I mean surely I could not be that bad. I know of actual criminals who have had less punishment. I believe that mental pain hurts a lot more than physical pain simply because physical pain at some point goes away but mental pain stays with us through memories. It is the kind of pain that truly makes ‘Hannah Baker’s’ story so convincing.

I think to myself sometimes when can I be truly happy? How can I finally change my fate and take what I was given to make something beautiful for myself. Recently I start a new mind-set where I established that the world owed me nothing, but neither did I owe it anything. I could take what I wanted from the world just as it does to me and maybe gain some control over how my life would go. Some may ask is it working? And honestly I don’t know. But what I know is I now am in charge of my emotions. I want to decide how I act when situations happen, and control my emotions. They do not control me and now I’m going to act like it.

Maybe some day I can be happy. I imagine I’m somewhere on set still relatively young making a bomb movie that will blow your minds. I’m smiling and I finally started dating someone who loves me just as much as I love them, someone sweet and kind, who would go through life with me as a partner. And who knows MAYBE there some children involved. I’d have a nice house with a pool, and we’d go vacations and my partner would come with me on set. It would be beautiful.

I think my biggest mistake in life would be missing out on good times in my youth. I would regret so much if my 20’s passed me by and I didn’t have the life I wanted. And yes a lot of it would be my fault but I also blame my mom and stepdad they are my biggest bullies and made life hell for me when I was younger. But, it’s my time now and they could go I’m ready to shine on my own now.