The Single Mothers Survival Guide Series

“All of a sudden this petite young woman started to beat the hell out of this mat, using some of the most colorful language I had heard in a long time.”

In our journey, there is a phase that I call transition. Transition is the time between the initial weeks or months of becoming a single mom, and the part of the journey where we begin to feel more whole and complete. It is like a bridge in our life where we need and receive healing and learn to love ourselves by accepting the premise that we have always been whole and complete. Support or other groups, books, and self-care are vital lifelines on the bridge that help us to reach our destination.

Jenny, one of the single mothers I interviewed, is a recently divorced mother of two children, ages eight and six. Jenny’s husband left her for another woman after 16 years of marriage. Jenny gets $2500 a month for alimony and child support. Her rent is $1,800 per month. I asked her how she was coping now, one year after the separation. Jenny said that she was still angry and feels betrayed. However, she was coping by going to counseling and starting an in home business.

When I first met Jenny I noticed that she had books on healing strewn all over her apartment. She had them on coffee tables, end tables, counters, bookshelves, in the bathroom, and just about anywhere you looked. These were almost like a support system to her. Jenny told me that she also takes the time to reach out to other women in similar situations. This not only helps the women she reaches out to, it also helps Jenny. I know how difficult it is to reach out when you are too busy to even go to the bathroom, but reach out you must.

Whatever method(s) you choose to get you through this time of new single motherhood, there is a common thread that ties you all together, this common thread being that new single moms will usually do whatever is necessary to get through this challenging time in their life. Help can appear in a myriad of ways. It can come in the form of books, tapes, other women in the community, counseling, groups, and, more importantly, from nurturing ones self. Never, ever forget to nurture yourself. It is vital to your recovery process.

When my husband left, I felt like I was going to either die or go crazy. One day, about a month after our breakup, I walked into the foyer of the Canyon Springs Recovery Center in Rancho Mirage. I approached an assessment counselor at the desk and told him I was sure I was going insane. Before he could say a word, I blurted out all of my feelings to him nonstop. He tactfully took me by the elbow and led me into an office and listened to the rest of my ravings. When I finished, he assured me that I wasn’t crazy: He said that I was probably having a panic attack and, even more likely, I was co-dependent. The counselor suggested I read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. This had been my first attempt to reach out for help to someone other than a friend or family member. It became an important milestone in my journey when I found out that I was no longer afraid to reach out to others. I happily concluded that reaching out did produce results and, on my journey, I would reach out to others many, many times.

The weekend after I talked to the counselor, I took the kids to my uncle’s place in Huntington Beach and picked up Melody Beattie’s book there. I’m so glad I did. I read the whole book that weekend, not really aware that this would become another important milestone in my healing journey. Reading her book on co-dependency was like looking in a mirror. I saw myself on nearly every page. Not only that, I was finally able to see myself clearly, or at least it was the clearest I could remember seeing myself. At that time, I realized that I had been living for everyone but myself. I didn’t even know who I really was any more. When we finally let go and let life happen, we allow space for God to lead us. That’s what I did that weekend at Huntington Beach. Soon after that, more people started to appear in my life; little miracles began to happen, and a feeling of light and hope—a glimmer—started to punch small holes of light into the darkness.

Every day single moms have more than their share of challenges. We have to get our children to school and still make it to work on time, do activities, and handle childcare. If we need help of any kind, we have to fill out mounds of paperwork before we can get any government assistance. We pummel through our challenges, finding out that we can come out fairly unscathed, albeit weary. On top of all this, we still have menu planning and cooking, cleaning, homework, paying bills, and providing shelter and transportation. The list goes on and on, frequently increasing and changing. Now you know why I put so much emphasis on taking care of yourself and nurturing yourself. If you want to succeed as a single mom, Nurturing 101 is a prerequisite to passing the course.

How can we take care of ourselves and not be selfish or sacrifice the needs or wants of our children? Well, the first step is to start searching for options. Whatever your situation is, there are always options. Be kind to yourself and go as slow as you need to go, but do take this important step on this bridge in your life. You have to start somewhere, so start with yourself and thoroughly explore what is available to you in your life right now.

Rebecca, a single mother of two small boys, recently divorced her husband. He owned a large advertising agency and she was an attorney, so she had no real financial difficulties. However, the breakup had left Rebecca scared to death, even though she was both beautiful and smart. Her husband had custody of the children half of the time and threatened her the other half of the time. She felt so torn she didn’t know where to turn. As it turned out, on the recommendation of one of the attorneys she worked with, the first step on her journey to wholeness was attending an Alanon meeting, even though her ex was not an alcoholic or a drug addict. The support and love she experienced with this group helped show her that she was a strong and capable woman.

Alanon (for relatives and friends of addicts) was a good choice for Rebecca since her ex-husband’s behavior exhibited many of the traits of addiction, and he made Rebecca feel as if her life was unmanageable. Not all of us are as financially independent as Rebecca, but most of us have more resources than we realize if we leave ourselves open to discovering them. After realizing her potential, Rebecca had the strength to go on and live her life without the earlier fear, and raise her children and be happy. Her journey was shorter than most but it is not over yet. Single parenthood is a continuing work-in-progress.

Now, back to my life. I started by attending a women’s group on codependency at a place in Palm Springs. On the day that I was invited to attend, the group happened to be working on anger. I walked into the entryway with Dawn so she could introduce me to Rosanne, the counselor. Rosanne had a very calming presence and I immediately felt relaxed. I was then introduced to a few other women, all of who had rubber baseball bats in their hands. Rosanne was speaking to Yolanda, a beautiful single mother of two girls, and told her to take the bat and let her anger go. All of a sudden this petite young woman started to beat the hell out of this mat, using some of the most colorful language I had heard in a long time. I was amazed and wide-eyed at her X-rated repertoire. I knew how to put a mask on and what was the appropriate way to act, However, what was happening now was all very real and I knew that these women were not judgmental and that they could help me. I later joined a women’s group as a co-counselor at that same recovery place and also went on several women’s empowerment retreats with other groups. I ultimately went to counseling with Roseanne. This would prove to be another jump-start in my transition.

Family, friends, community, school, employers, counselors, and groups are some invaluable resources you have at your disposal. You have heard the phrase ‘It Takes a Village’ from the book by the same name and written by Hillary Clinton. It is on raising children and, to her credit, this is a true statement. Much of the time it really does take a village.

Now, back to nurturing. Some other options for taking care of yourself include mini-breaks, hot baths, journaling, creating a dream book or gratitude journal, meditation, tapes, deep breathing, meditating, new hairstyles, reading, and walking. How about visualization, affirmations, talking to a friend, or whatever you can think of that produces a feeling of well-being? Most of these actions can promote a feeling of well-being, and can be accomplished in short chunks of time of, say 15 to 20 minutes. Will yourself to take these little breaks even if you don’t feel like it at first. It might take a few times before you experience a good feeling about what you are doing. First do the action; then the feeling will follow.

Practicing this part of the life support system for a single mother will help move you forward over this important bridge that crosses your path. As we start taking care of ourselves, chemical changes take place in our brain that pretty much guarantee other changes will take place in our life as a result of our thought processes changing. It may take some time—for some longer than others—and it may feel like it’s not working at first, but have confidence and keep on. You will look back at this time in your life some time later in your journey and be amazed at the miracles and changes that have occurred since crossing over the bridge.

Loving and Emotional Practice:

Write down—or just be aware of—any transition in your life that you can reflect on. Recall anything positive that came out of these changes in your life.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

Today I will remember that every moment brings change and I am safe in this present moment.

This Article in this series is dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.