The Reasons Why I Shouldn't Take Relationship Advice When Someone Gives Me

Who do you go to for help when you're having relationship problems?

When we encounter issues in our romantic relationships, the majority of us have a tendency to ask for relationship counsel from others. We are more inclined to seek the advice of our friends because we believe they will behave in our best interests. The media promotes the concept that we should also consult our closest friends when we run into problems with our love relationships.

But is asking your pals for advice truly the best course of action? While seeking counsel from our friends may seem like a logical and natural line of action, it may not be the best choice. Here are five reasons why you definitely shouldn't put more weight in your own judgment than that of your friends:

1. They can't possibly be fully informed about everything.

Even if you speak to your best friend often, there are always going to be elements you forget to bring up or leave out while discussing your friendship. There just isn't enough time to inform your pal of every single event involving you and your partner. Your buddy is making decisions about your relationship while you are doing so with all of the pertinent information at hand. Before you accept your friend's analysis of the issue, keep this in mind.

2. They may have their own problems to cope with that you are unaware of, which might skew their judgment.

You may as well scratch them off your list of possible relationship counselors if you are aware that your buddy has just gone through a contentious divorce. However, keep in mind that even a buddy you believe to be in good health can have baggage that you are unaware of, which might cause them to form an impression about you based on their experiences rather than your present situation.

3. They do not place as much stock in the connection as you do, therefore they may not give it the consideration it deserves.

Even your closest buddy does not care nearly as much about your relationship as you do. In the end, we all prioritize our individual worries above the needs of our community. Just keep in mind that although your buddy won't be affected by the repercussions of your actions, you could. Instead of observing from the outside, your buddy might take a little more time considering their alternatives if they were truly in your position. Make your selections with the awareness that the emotional investment is different.

4. They could speak to your expectations.

Sometimes a well-intentioned buddy may give you the advice you want to hear instead of the advice you really need. Because they don't want to see you sad, they may withhold advise or base it on an unduly positive or rose-tinted perception of the circumstances. Similarly, they can feel differently about the relationship than you do, but they won't tell you what they really think out of concern for your friendship.

5. Their values may not align with yours.

Make sure you share the same ideals and presumptions about how relationships may and should operate before you follow a friend's advise. Otherwise, you risk taking advice that doesn't applicable to someone who thinks as you do. For instance, your buddy could be operating on the premise that the reason spending a lot of time alone with someone in a relationship is essential to you is because it is important to them. In order to avoid facing the fact that some couples want to live highly autonomous lifestyles, they could convince you that your spouse doesn't care about you unless they want to spend a lot of time together.

Friends may be a great source of emotional support, but when it comes to your relationship problems, it's best to consider very carefully before acting on their advise. Have the courage to trust your intuition and prior experiences, and have the ability to weigh your own thoughts against those of others.

Why not ask your friends or relatives for relationship advice?

No, DO NOT LISTEN TO RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY. THIS IS WHY.

The globe may serve as a giant support system and source of wise counsel for certain individuals. They include strangers, friends, and coworkers in their most private struggles. Others are more picky, and they turn to their closest friends or family members for assistance through trying times.

I'm here to break it to you: Your BFF, your sister, Brandon in accounting, or even your favorite bartender are not relationship specialists, and you should be careful when treating them like your own private therapists. It doesn't matter who it is or how you choose them.

I now understand what you're saying. "My friends are the ones who know me the best; they will know what's best for me. They can give me the finest advice as to what I ought to say or do.

And for for this reason, it is a horrible idea.

Let me explain.

Since they are the people who know you best, your friends and family are the greatest people to judge the difficulties you are having in your relationships. It's difficult for someone to remain impartial when they know you, particularly if they are close to you. Why? They automatically support you!

Yes, they could even point out your errors in a given circumstance, but their first concern will always be your comfort and making you feel better.

This is true, you know that. Particularly if your sister or friend tells you, "Yeah, I know you definitely shouldn't have dumped your boyfriend's clothing on the front yard, but I understand. I also would have done it! I would have activated the sprinklers, please. You may want to apologize, but gal, I know you, so just sayin'. That won't ever occur.

She is approving of you and what you are doing because she cares about you. She has you covered. She sometimes offers insightful commentary or shares personal tales that make you feel less alone in your marital woes.

But your loved ones are too close to you and your predicament to push you to examine your behavior more closely. And you need that. We all need it. We all need to develop, and the only way to develop is to be honest.

The majority of the time, it is challenging for your family and friends to hold you responsible for your deeds and words. They may not do it because they are afraid of your response. Or they simply leave things alone because they lack the abilities to handle it in a loving and caring manner.

And let's be honest, they don't have enough information about your relationship to provide you with a fair appraisal. They don't know what is actually happening when you're not around.

And that's a significant deal because, believe it or not, we often only communicate with our loved ones to elicit the reaction we want. We omit important information, we portray ourselves as the victims or the heroes, and we paint our partners as the villains. You know what I'm talking about.

Here is another item to think about: Family and friends find it hard to overlook your partner's transgressions. Because they won't stop lying or cheating even after you've forgiven them.

When you are prepared to forgive your spouse for his or her transgressions, friends or relatives may remind you that "the last time you forgave him, he did..." or "Recall what he said when..."

Or they could even utter the most horrible phrase: "I told you so."

Therefore, if your family compiles a library of your partner's transgressions, errors, misunderstandings, and miscommunications and plays it back every time something new occurs, you are perpetually forced to think about the past even though you and your partner are making a concerted effort to move past it. This is unfair to you and your spouse and won't aid in your recovery.

That's not all, however. By simply giving you wrong advise, your friends or family might sabotage your relationship's development or personal growth.

Here are a few examples of incredibly terrible advise from friends or family, along with my answer, to demonstrate what I mean:

The greatest method to get beneath another guy is to get over one, according to a friend or family member.

I said, "Nah." The quickest approach to reenter a toxic relationship is in this manner. Without having fully recovered from the previous relationship, you cannot begin a new, healthy connection.

All guys cheat, so if he is supporting you financially, working, and not beating you, remain where you are, said a friend or family member.

I said, "Nah." One is that none of the males cheat. We need to discuss right now, lady, if the only reason you're remaining with someone is for their financial security.

Take your time to relax, a friend or family member. Women are readily available.

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I said, "Nah." Perhaps both yes and no. There are many women, and when you crunch the figures, it seems that more women are looking for a guy than the reverse. But males, when it comes to a nice woman — a woman who is kind, down to earth, not superficial, supporting, loyal, loving, honest AND is a "love your mommy kind" woman — there aren't many of them around. So, before letting her go if you locate her, you had best think it over.

Does any of that guidance ring a bell?

Though they have the best of intentions, your friends and family cannot support you if they continue to hold onto outdated ideas about love. They are limited to sharing with you what they already know and have gone through. Some individuals remain caught in damaging generational connection patterns by listening to friends and relatives; you keep doing the things your mother, sisters, uncles, and aunts did.

You get a new perspective on your relationships and routines while in therapy. In contrast to what your friends and family may desire for you, a therapist may help you find the sort of connection that YOU want.

To be clear, I don't mean that you shouldn't interact with any of your relatives or friends. However, be sure the person you turn to for support is reliable, will offer you honest feedback, will sometimes simply listen, and won't hold your partner's actions against you. It is crucial to have someone at your side through trying times.

This individual, however, cannot be a counselor or coach since you cannot resolve difficult relationship issues while on the road, not even by phone or text. Counseling sessions at happy hour won't help you get through betrayal, grief, or heartbreak recovery.

You definitely need a support system and maybe a few happy hour dates, but you also need to sit down with an impartial person to work through the difficult issues, overcome trauma, and make the painful choices necessary to sustain your relationship. You should look for a secure setting where you can express yourself fully and where you won't feel hurried or criticized.

A qualified coach, counselor, or therapist is someone you should consult with if:

A relationship issue has repeatedly arisen, and despite your best efforts to resolve it on your own, you have been unable to do so.

You feel puzzled about what your spouse is doing and are conflicted about your feelings.

There are aspects of your relationship that your family and friends are unaware of, and you desire a private setting to talk about them.

Your relationship is having an impact on your mood, routine, and perspective on life.

Do you see why this requires more than a simple phone call to resolve?

You may work through intense personal feelings and external life issues in therapy before leaving everything up to the therapist. You don't have to be concerned about it being repeated or told to others. You may feel a little bit lighter when you leave the workplace. Everyone in your life plays a part, but sometimes it might be uncomfortable to let your friends and family act as your therapists.

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