The Reason I'm Alive

Dear Mom,

For the past eight months that I have been home while attending college, life has been everything but smooth. The transition back home went about as well as one could hope, but that was the last thing that truly went well. Together, we went through a lot of rough 'firsts', and now Mother's Day is here, and I have nothing to give to you but my time and appreciation.

And my sincere thanks.

You don't know this, and I don't have any intention of actually telling you, but there have been many times where my life has been so low I felt no reason to go on. Pain and heartache were tearing me apart from the inside out, fear and depression were eroding away at my soul. Nothing felt like it was worth trying to achieve anymore since each attempt always seemed to end in failure. Many times when I was alone, whether on the road or at home, I struggled with the thought of simply ending it all. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the pain it would cause you. I could never do something like that to you, the one who has suffered, scarified and survived numerous trials just to make sure I'll be able to eat, sleep, and live my life comfortably.

Then Christmas came, and everything continued to get worse.

The week before, our close family friend lost her fight to cancer. Although we know and believe she is now fully healed and in a better place, the agony of the timing was like a knife to the gut. I tried to keep myself calm, lean against those around me. I didn't want to fall back into the pit of despair I had been desperately trying to pull myself out of.

And then your father, my grandpa, lost his fight on Christmas Eve.

I hated that I wasn't home with you when the news hit. The cracking in your voice, the trembling in each word, I hated that I was away for work instead of by your side. I also hated that I was alone as well. My grip was now slipping again, and I felt the struggle to push through starting to fail again.

Life decided that wasn't enough, and my very first relationship was turning sour. Thankfully, you were there for me to confide in when it was time to sever that thread. I could feel myself starting to heal, and you were there all the way. Of course, there were times we butt heads and got on each other's nerves, but you were always waiting for me to come home with open arms. We always find a way to talk out our problems and move on, and it's because of that I believe we are so close.

And then someone close, someone I see as holding authority in my life, hurt me.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can indeed hurt when they cause you to question everything you believe, everything you thought you knew, and shatter the foundation you had barely begun to repair after months of trauma and depression. Confusion, agony, fear, and everything else suddenly hit me all at once for the first time in months. If my choice in coming home was indeed the wrong one, then I didn't know the voice of my Shepherd, my Father. Everything I believed I knew and held dear to my heart had been turned upside down. Those words were like a hammer and chisel to the foundation of my life. Just when I was regaining my hold on life, these words ripped my hands away and left me falling without so much as a rope to hold.

That had been the tipping point.

For a month, motivation was miles from my mind. If this major choice in my life was the wrong one, what was the point in doing the little things? I had started college again, but now I felt no reason to continue on. Neglect was happening to every aspect of my life. Church? Too tired. Work? Doesn't matter. Classes? What's the point anymore.

My life had become something I wanted out of. Every time I was on the road, the urge to drive off into a ditch would rise. What's the point of pushing through the pain when nothing ever goes right? Tears were a constant staple on my face, my room became a pigsty, and I barely left the house for anything except work.

And yet, instead of kicking me out, instead of pushing me to 'grow up', you simply stayed by my side. You were my silent, solid shelter in this storm of life. Whenever I simply couldn't get out of bed, you made sure I would still eat and drink water. When it was time to get cleaned up, you pushed me to at least wash my hair. Simple tasks felt like they took all my energy. This dis-ease in my mind and soul was causing disease in my body. Sickness was a constant friend of mine during this time, but you took care of me through it all. The devil was playing with my mind, but you were beside me with a shield and sword, protecting me from his mind tricks.

Finally, when it was time to face the person that hurt me, you encouraged me and helped me meet with those could assist me in how to speak without being disrespectful. You helped me continue living and find a new reason to live. You have helped me regain my footing, but you never left even after I was able to walk on my own again. You stay by my side, knowing that grief can hit even years down the road. You are still here, the strong, beautiful, independent women that has raised me for nearly most of my life. You shoulder all my problems as well as yours without breaking a sweat.

It's because of you that I am still here.

So, I thank you. Thank you for being my mother. Thank you for being my anchor. Thank you for being by my side.

Thank you for being my friend.

I love you.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter.