The Mumbie, The Hitch And The Campout

THE STAY-AT-HOME-MUM (A 'Little Red Hen' Parody)

Once upon a time there was a stay-at-home mum who like many other stay-at-home mums did all the shit jobs.

Early each morning she woke up and went downstairs ready to face the next round of mayhem produced courtesy of the kids.

“Who will help me track down the festering, smelly socks?” said the stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “Eeeew!” said Tween One disgustedly. “Wot?” said Tween two distractedly. “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall do it myself!” and so she did.

“Who will help keep the loo a sprinkle and skid free zone?” said the stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “Eeeew!” said Tween One disgustedly. “Wot?” said Tween two distractedly. “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall do it myself!” and so she did.

“Who will help me poop scoop?” said the stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “Eeeew!” said Tween One disgustedly. “Wot?” said Tween two distractedly. “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall do it myself!” and so she did.

“Who will help me shift the U.S.O (unidentified, sticky, object) from the kitchen sink?” said the stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “Eeeew!” said Tween One disgustedly. “Wot?” said Tween two distractedly. “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall do it myself!” and so she did.

“Who will help me and pop to the shops?” said the stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “Eeeew!” said Tween One disgustedly. “Wot?” said Tween two distractedly. “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall do it myself!” and so she did.

“Who will help me untangle the hair and puzzle piece that is stuck fast inside the hoover?” said the stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “Eeeew!” said Tween One disgustedly. “Wot?” said Tween two distractedly. “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall do it myself!” and so she did.

“Who will help me disinfect the snot filled noses left over from red nose day?” said stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “Eeeew!” said Tween One disgustedly. “Wot?” said Tween two distractedly. “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall do it myself!” and so she did.

“Who remembered Mother’s Day?” said the stay-at-home mum. “Eh?” said Teen One dispassionately. “I did!” said Tween One delightedly. “Ish…” said Tween two distractedly. “No” said Mr. Music Man defiantly “because you told me that pink and puke inducing cards are a waste of money.” (Erm…true, I did say this.) “Oh for flake’s sake, I shall celebrate by myself!” and so she did.

“Who will help me eat the brownies?” said the stay-at-home mum. "Me!” said Teen One ravenously. “Me too!” said Tween One radiantly. “I want some!” said Tween two rudely.

“April Fools!” said the stay-at-home mum. “You can fill your boots on as many brown Es’ as you like and in the meantime, I shall eat this decadent, baileys and chocolate mousse topped with a decorative, chocolaty rainbow instead.”

And that’s exactly what she did.

Where, Oh Where, Is Grandma’s Key? (A 'Where, Oh Where, Is Kipper's Bear? Parody)

The car is in a parking space and the loose change is out. But where is Grandma’s car key? That’s what this tale's about.

The tweens are getting restless; searching’s such a bore. Have they seen Grandma’s car key? Because that’s what we’re searching for.

In the boot there’s prosecco, there’s prosecco can’t you see? But prosecco is all there is - no sign of any key.

We mustn’t curse and stress while we look in every slot. Could Grandma’s key be hiding there? No, it’s bloody not!

This hole in the ground that we found is a drain . And the potholes we search just all look the same . But zilch, nada and nullity, no fudging hole is hiding the key.

There are tetchy, tiresome, tourists swarming here and there but they’ve all got their car keys and they don’t really care.

Its dark inside the footwell and underneath the seat. What’s hiding in the corner? Could that be Grandma’s key?

Nah, it’s just a fruit ‘n’ nut bar, from Mr Cadbury.

Where, oh where, can the car key be, and why, oh why, can’t we find it? And how, oh how, will we get home now, in a car that’s as defunct as shit?

Our parking time is ticking and a spare key rests at home. So Grandma takes a taxi and I wait - like a fudging, security gnome.

The Tent The Tween Built ​ ('The House That Jack Built' Parody)

This is the tent the tween built.

This is the wind that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

These are the trainers that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the pop that spilt next to the trainers, that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the airbed flat as a can be, that got covered in pop, that spilt next to the trainers, that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the pump that works you see, but failed to inflate the airbed as flat as can be, that got covered in pop, that spilt next to the trainers, that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the mombie all shattered and free, that puffed the airbed as flat as can be, that got covered in pop, that spilt next to the trainers, that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the kettle all ready for tea, that had no matches… FUDGE ME! With the mombie all shattered and free, that puffed the airbed as flat as can be, that got covered in pop, that spilt next to the trainers, that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the skateboard crashing down the hill, that abandoned the kettle all ready for tea, that had no matches… FUDGE ME! With the mombie all shattered and free, that puffed the airbed as flat as can be, that got covered in pop, that spilt next to the trainers, that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.

This is the galaxy dark milk tempting me, taunting “abandon that kettle all ready for tea…” That had no matches… FUDGE ME! Don't forget the mombie - all shattered and free, that puffed the airbed as flat as can be, that got covered in pop, that spilt next to the trainers, that got caught in the rain, that joined the wind, that blew the tent the tween built.