The mother I never knew...

The mother I never knew...

When I was born, I had a mother she was young, Rome the streets and couldn’t take care of me as much as she should. So my grandparents stepped in and raised me. Growing up I hated my biological mom for not being there, seeing me play the drums in school, or running in Field day, or graduating from high school. I could never understand why she didn’t want me.

One day my great grandmother passed away and magically my biological mother showed up and moved into the house where my grandparents and I were living. I was mad we both said some mean things to each other and then I moved out for almost a year. When I came back my grandfather passed away maybe a few months later. He was my rock and I felt like my whole world was turned upside down. But it made my biological mom and me close for once, we went to the casinos and she would do my hair we actually did mother daughter things I never thought I could do with her.

Couple years went by and she moved out and got a place with her boyfriend and I started to live with a then abusive boyfriend and she was there to help with all that but it didn’t last for long she began to break promises that grew us apart. We would never recover from them. Fast forward a couple years later without seeing her, I get a phone call from my grandmother saying my mother was sick and I had to get to the hospital, it took me a couple days and I finally got the strength to go. She looked weak and very skinny, when she seen me she looked like she was about to cry and we hugged. She told me she had breast cancer, I knew that moment on she would need me and I was going to be there till the end.

Few weeks went by and she had gotten sicker and sicker, the doctors said she didn’t have that much time left and the next of kin had to sign papers for a DNR. My grandmother thought it was her but the doctors looked at me and said I was. My life before this, I thought I was independent and grown and could handle anything that was thrown my way, but this... I couldn’t handle. I couldn’t sign these papers, for once I really wanted to try with my mother, I even told her when she was sleeping that I wanted her to see me get married and have my own children someday. I couldn’t kill her which that is what I felt like they were asking me to do.

My grandmother wanted me to sign and I said I can’t ! We argued, she stormed away. The doctors told me the pros and cons to signing and not signing and that I had time to think about it. I didn’t take time, I signed the papers and to this day it hurts me. Few days later my mom the woman I never got to know died. Cancer took my mom in one month. One month is all I had with her, I didn’t cry at her funeral because I was in shock I had so many emotions going through my mind, like how I’m never going to go to the casino with her again, or how she’s not going to see me get old. Now all I had left was my grandmother on the earth and I’m scared.

I’ve always was mad at her for never being there, but now years later after her passing, I know why she did what she did and I’m not mad anymore, I forgive her, I miss her, and I miss what we could of had. I wish I could of knew her more and been there if she needed me before she was sick. She’s my mother and I finally can say I love her.