The Inside of a Woman’s Mind: The Pregnancy Test

The following is a text message I sent to my boyfriend in that moment I found out I wasn’t pregnant:

“Is it wrong?

I have an amazing family surrounding me, one that I do not appreciate very often but am slowly learning to, one that I love unconditionally and strive so hard to make happy, one that motivates me to do well in all areas of my life, one that I would love to make bigger one day.

Is it wrong?

I am a student still living at home with her parents, I am a young woman still living off of a young woman’s wage, I am a financial mess even when I try my hardest to save, I am a messy person with a messy room and an even messier car, I am a girlfriend who doesn’t know how to love her man properly, I am a mum whose child picks up swear words.

Is it wrong?

I had a sinking feeling today when I took off my bra and realised it was wet, of course my mummy mind instantly thought “OMG you’re lactating what the hell!”, so I grabbed a pregnancy test, because as you know being a mum I have plenty on hand now, and the results came back negative.

Is it wrong?

Even though I am a student still living at home with her parents, I am a young woman still living off of a young woman’s wage, I am a financial mess even when I try my hardest to save, I am a messy person with a messy room and an even messier car, I am a girlfriend who doesn’t know how to love her man properly, I am a mum whose child picks up swear words, that deep down I wanted that test to say positive…

Is it wrong?

I think it’s just a woman’s instinct. Even though my life may not be ideal for a child and even though I am securely on contraception, I still get that sinking feeling when a test comes back negative.

My mind instantly plays a montage of me looking down at my pregnant belly, staring into the fresh eyes of a newborn, changing nappies that look like tar, teaching them how to walk and talk, dressing them up for their first day of school, watching them play the tree in their first school play, seeing them graduate and tell you about that boy they have a crush on, seeing them get a job they love, seeing them marry the love of their life, seeing them having their own children…but none of that happens now because I’m not pregnant.”

I just wanted to share that with you because I feel like this is something that us women don’t talk about. It’s something that’s rather touchy, but I also feel that it’s more common than we realise.