The Hurt Behind The Smile

The picture at the top of this story is a bit blurred on purpose. Initially I sought to change it but, I realized that sometimes our lives may seem blurred. You see things that don’t make sense and your mind just can‘t focus upon them. So many things in our daughter’s life seem to be just a bit unfocused. In the midst of those times there was always love.

Atemise Jean’s young life was full of upheaval, everything changed much too early in her life. Three years on this earth and her father died and her mother wanted nothing to do with her. Grandmother and aunts were unable to care for her, there was only one option remaining…she was left at an orphanage. In what could be described as an act of Divine Providence, Atemise was placed in a caring, loving environment where she would thrive.

The orphanage in Cambry, Haiti was owned by an nonprofit ministry that my wife and I had worked with since the late 1990’s. The facility was staffed with “Orphan Mommas”, stable women like Atemise’s beloved Madame Fannie. There were only a handful of children at Cambry and each child received the love and nurturing that they needed to thrive. That all changed when Hurricane Jeanne paid an unwelcome visit to Haiti. The storm brought horrendous mudslides to the Northern portion of the island leaving thousands of children homeless. The orphanage where Atemise lived took in displaced children swelling the orphan population to over 100 children. Life changed once again. One hundred children crammed onto a small facility meant for only thirty orphans.

To those of us who visited the orphanage, Atemise quickly became Attie. The shortened name seemed to fit her personality. She was witty, quick, a tease, loud and mischievous. When we called her name, the act of whittling down her name made it easier for us to shout and get her attention in the midst of a hundred screaming, playing children.

When we first met Attie in 2002, Susie and I had discussed adoption. Her discussion centered around Gods calling and leading, my discussion was warmly benign and filled with doubt. On one of our trips to Haiti several years after we first met this dimple face cutie we were in her orphan‘s cottage. Among all of the precious little girls Attie found a pathway to my lap. Once she perched herself on my knee Attie leaned over and very quietly whispered in my ear. I wish that I could tell you what that sweet voice was saying but, she was speaking Haitian Creole and my knowledge of her native language was minuscule.

That small quiet voice went silent and, through tears of love, I looked at Susie and said, “We have to adopt this prescious child.” It was as though God had spoken into my heart because at that moment any hesitation, fears and uncertainty had vanished. In their place love for this child swept over my body like a tsunami and washed the old feelings away. Years later I asked Attie if she recalled what she said to me. Her response was, “Daddy I probably asked you for some candy.” and then she giggled and ran away from me!

Anyone who spent time with Attie will tell you that she smiled a lot. She had a big, beautiful smile that was accented by her dimples and it was contagious. When little Miss Attie smiled, you could not help yourself, you had to smile along with her. Several years after Attie had been with us our family spent an afternoon playing laser tag. The room was as dark the deepest cavern with only black light illumination. Initially we had trouble seeing her but she could see us well and would hide to ambush one of us. She had an advantage, her skin was a beautiful chocolate color and we were all tanned white. Our son, Joshua, discovered her flaw and quickly took advantage of that chink in her armor. All that was required to find her was to make her laugh or flash her radiant smile. With the black light for illumination, her smile was like that of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. All we saw were teeth and that was all that we needed to point or laser guns at her and fire at will.

Only a handful of people knew that hiding behind that beautiful smile, Attie was wrestling the demons of her past life. Her birth mother wanted nothing to do with her, she had never met her until she was 7. Her father died while working in the Haitian rice fields while she was just a toddler. Her grandmother stepped in and took Attie but, it wasn’t long before she couldn’t afford to feed her. Grandma’s only choice was to take Attie to an orphanage in the village of Cambry, a short distance from the city of La Cayes.

While living in Cambry Attie’s troubles continued. As if she had not been through enough trauma in her young life, during her time in the orphanage she was sexually abused by some older orphan boys. If she misbe discipline was parceled out with strong punishment leaving scars on her back. Whether it was God speaking through Attie or a little girl asking for candy, the day in her house at the orphanage was the day Susie and I knew that we were being called to bring her into our family.

The road to adoption was long, tedious and filled with frustration. Two of the longest years of our lives were spent waiting on approvals, forms, birth certificates, people to do what they said they would do and, the Haitian government officials. It was patience being tested and stretched like no one would believe. Hurry up and wait became our mantra. At the end of her patience from a two year wait, Susie went to see the Haitian official in charge of approving adoption dossiers. She looked around at the stacks of paperwork surrounding the office and simply said, “Find MY DOSSIER in this mess and sign off on it. I want to take my daughter home.”

It was not very long after that show of force by a pissed off mom that we were told that our adoption was ready to be finalized. Plans were made, airline tickets purchased, guest house reservations were booked and Susie was ready to go to Haiti and bring that smiling face home. A note to the world. Never, ever get between a mother and the child that she loves. Whether the child was adopted or born into her family you risk facing something far worse than the most feared and dangerous animal, the Honey Badger. If you are not familiar with this animal with the sweet sounding name, allow me to introduce you. Almost all animals higher up the chain of life will avoid Honey Badgers at all cost. This cute creature has the reputation of doing whatever it takes to win a battle. That reputatation keeps enemies away and helps secure victory.

Before too long Attie was in Port Au Prince and making the required visits to see doctors and bureaucrats both Haitian and American with Susie. It was all a bit overwhelming for both of them. Attie had never been to the city with all of the noise,clamor and throngs of people. She was frightened and spoke no English, Susie spoke very little Haitian Creole. For Attie it must have been like she had been taken to another planet. She knew that she was being adopted and she knew that Susie was her new mother but, beyond that she was cluless. Troubles began to reveal themselves.

Susie and I could only speak briefly since she was calling from the Guesthouse phone and calls were expensive. As I was preparing to leave to fly down to be with them I received a disturbing call from a very tired and frustrated Susie. An unexpected addition to the American Department of State‘s procedure sent a young Haitian girl reeling and left her new Mom in shock and disbelief. The proverbial adoption boat had been on course with only a few bumps in the way. What the American adoption examiners did was akin to throwing a boulder in the path of that boat that very nearly sank it.

When they arrived at the proper office and found the proper personnel Attie was nervous. Her passport photograph had to be taken and the staff insisted that Attie wear a jacket. There was nothing around that would fit her so she wound up in an oversized men’s dresscoat. She was not happy.

Then came the boulder. According to Susie, any living birth parent must meet their child and give an approval for the adoption to proceed. Susie was told that Attie’s birth mother had to be interviewed with Attie and Susie was not invited to that party. If you recall, Attie had never met her birth mother. The shock of seeing this stranger for the first time sent our dear daughter into a tailspin. Attie would tell us later that all her absent mother said to her was, “You remember me when you get to America so you can take care of me.” To put it simply she meant, “Send me money.” and our street smart little lady knew that is what was meant.

Now we come to the tipping point. Susie tells me that she could hear Attie crying and wailing so loudly that she could be heard throughout the building. If you have never heard the Haitian Wail, it is ear piercing, loud and mixed with words that no one could understand. Attie’s sounded like nothing we had ever heard. Movies sometimes will have an air attack siren to warn of incoming danger. If you have heard that siren sound, you can identify what the Haitian wail sounds like.

The meeting unlocked something in our sweet, mischievous daughter’s mind that would haunt her for the rest of her life. We knew that this was the worst trauma that Attie had ever faced. She was confused, angry, sad and deeply hurt. Later we would discover that she had bi-polar disorder coupled with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The visit with her mother somehow brought bi-polar to life.

I arrived at the Guesthouse soon after the birth mother debacle. Our youngest son Josh was with me and as we settled in and unpacked the crying and wailing began again. It was going to be a long day. Later that day we went to the small swiming pool at the compound, the water was a much needed relief from the sweltering tropical heat. Josh was an advanced level swimmer and was comfortable with the deep water. Attie had never been swimming in her life and the water intimidated her. She was determined to do what her brother was doing and each time she went to the water over her head, one of us had to pull her back to the shallow end of the pool.

We had a few days to wait and we killed time as best we could. A trip into the mountains was a welcome break from our concrete accommodation. Occasionally Attie would break down again and all that we could do to calm her was to be patient and wait it out.

GOING HOME WILL BE THE SUBJECT OF MY NEXT SUBMISSION.