The heart-breaking truth of marriage: we all marry the "wrong" person.

Some people say that their ideal companion, like an aristocratic teenager, is handsome and affectionate.

Some people say that I hope my partner will be kind and sincere.

Some people say that as long as the other party is steadfast and willing to work, it is good to have a sense of responsibility.

As for partners, everyone has their own "ideal type".

But people have told you:

Wake up, there is no ideal partner in this world.

Whether in love or marriage, the other person can only fit in with you in some ways, but it can never completely overlap with your ideal type.

As counselor Christopher Meng said in "intimacy":

"although the ideal is exciting, it can be the source of pain in your life, especially in your most important intimate relationships."

In his more than 30-year career, Christopher has seen many people get discouraged in marriage.

He believes that there are many factors that affect intimacy, such as complaint, dependence, manipulation and even resentment.

But there is a root cause for all these factors, which is people's expectation of the ideal partner.

Only by understanding and solving this problem can we open up the right way for husband and wife to get along.

Looking forward to the ideal partner

Is the source of the pain of marriage.

At the beginning of the story, Janet and Brad had problems with their marriage.

They came to Christopher's psychiatric clinic.

"Marriage is not what I thought," Janet said. "

She felt that Brad had changed and was no longer the person she thought he was.

Her ideal husband is physically strong and emotionally strong.

Be able to understand her feelings, be compassionate, be all-powerful in the workplace and blend in with her children at home.

After marriage, she found that Brad spends almost all his time on the computer except for his work.

After listening to his wife's criticism of himself, Brad scowled.

To Christopher, he hopes to find a kind and loving wife who can affirm himself, support himself unconditionally, and know how to give others space to be alone.

As for Janet, he said he felt lucky when he first met, but now he doesn't think it's appropriate.

Janet couldn't stand it and thought his words were too ruthless, so the two got into a heated quarrel.

Christopher interrupted them and said:

"the root of your problem is that you are not married to your ideal partner, but to the real one."

'If you keep comparing your ideal partner with your real partner, you will be disappointed,'he said

And then become a "critic" to describe each other as useless.

In fact, this kind of situation can be found everywhere in life.

Netizen Xiaoyan told her own experience.

Before getting married, she wrote a detailed "ideal partner list", requiring more than 80 items.

Fortunately, she found the right person and got married.

But only half a year later, Xiao Yan began to be extremely disappointed.

After marriage, men stay at home all day, often go out to drink, and are indifferent to work and life.

In a quarrel, in the face of chattering Xiao Yan, the man retorted:

"Why are you like this now? Like a shrew! "

In the end, the two broke up in discord and ended the marriage in a hurry.

In fact, like the Brads, they fall into the trap of an "ideal mate".

In his book, Christopher writes:

"the road to hell is paved with expectations.

Because expectations keep feelings of love out of the door. "

The "ideal partner" is an expectation and a hard indicator of ignoring personality, while the "real partner" is an ordinary person with flesh and blood and cannot be perfect.

Looking forward to having an "ideal partner", it is bound to be picky about the "real partner", followed by endless quarrels, complaints, accusations, and hatred.

Unfortunately, many people do not realize the root cause of this marital pain and try to transform each other.

Then their marriage is in jeopardy.

Trying to change the other half

It only destroys intimacy.

In order to ease the relationship, Mr. and Mrs. Brad went to Hawaii on vacation to give themselves a chance to start over.

But this holiday has become their painful memory.

Along the way, instead of reflecting, they try their best to change each other's thoughts or habits.

For example, Janet wanted Brad to be romantic and carefully planned their date.

When Brad arrived, he couldn't help asking:

"how much is this room? isn't it a little big for us this month?"

Hearing him say this, Janet lost all interest and slammed the door.

Brad caught up, and he didn't apologize for his incomprehension.

Instead, he complains:

"can you understand something?

Learn from others how to be a good wife. "

The two people, who were both angry, had a big fight and both swore that they would divorce immediately.

Later, Christopher heard about the experience and advised them to understand what went wrong before they got divorced.

Although the couple accepted the idea of an "ideal partner", they went completely in the wrong direction.

Christopher wants them to let go of their expectations of an "ideal partner" instead of asking them to transform each other.

Everyone is independent and free, and has the right to live his own life.

And what we love should also be the true appearance of our partner.

Behind trying to change each other is selfishness to meet expectations on the one hand and control in the name of love on the other.

No matter which side, love is not what it is.

How can a marriage that is not based on true love be happy? ?

On this point, Christopher shared his story.

When he was young, he wanted to find a perfect woman.

Later, after meeting a nice girl, he planned to transform her into a perfect person. ?

He asked the girl to read more, cultivate her speech, and let the girl run in order to have a perfect figure.

He also tried to change the girl's character and make her gentle and funny.

As you might expect, the girl didn't become what he wanted, and the relationship ended hastily in a quarrel.

'when our partner's words and actions upset us, we tend to change each other, 'says Christopher.

As a result, the more you want to change the other person, the more the other person's defense mechanism makes him stick to himself.

This mode of getting along with each other, the harm to the close relationship, is devastating.

There is a good saying: "changing yourself is God, changing others is a psychopath."

In front of your partner, say less "what do I want you to do" and more "what would I do?"

In marriage, look at each other more and complain less about each other's fault.

Only in this way, marriage will show a bright side.

Learn to accept each other

Accept each other's imperfections

After this visit, Christopher assigned the Brads an assignment-to praise each other.

He asked Janet and Brad to make a list of "compliments" for each other.

Through this task, Janet realized for the first time that Brad was hardworking, humorous to her children and responsible to her family.

Similarly, Brad also found that Janet was a good mother, kind to her neighbors and loving to her elders.

Although Brad still likes to play games and often ignores Janet's feelings, although Janet is still complaining and clinging to people.

But they all chose to accept it because they were grateful for each other's efforts.

Accepting a "true partner" means that we become cognitively mature.

We realize the truth of marriage, that is, we still choose to love our partner when we see his imperfection.

Do not advertise the "ideal partner", do not insist on changing each other, will not get tired of being together for a long time, and love will be more beautiful.

Speaking of the best appearance of love, it reminds me of Yang Jiang and Qian Zhongshu.

As a madman in the literary world, Qian Zhongshu was appraised by his elders as the most immature.

He is sharp and arrogant academically, but clumsy in life.

While Yang Jiangsheng's daughter was in hospital, Qian Zhongshu was in vario