The Force of Divorce

One half of all American children witness the breakup of a marriage. Unfortunately for my eighth-grade self, my parents decided to follow this trend. For them, the dissolution of their marriage meant that they wouldn’t be obligated to live together any longer. What it meant for my brother and I, however, was a life much drearier than two Christmases. Living through the two years since has presented challenges most teenagers never face. The experiences that ensued allowed me to develop healthy coping mechanisms and skills that I wish to pass on to all individuals affected by divorce; the definition of divorce is different for all, but our strength must remain unwavering.

Divorce is hoping your mom had enough money to grocery shop, for fear of going without milk — again. There are weeks when I buy the groceries. Child support only comes once a month, and its majority pays off last month’s debt. My mother promises to pay me back, but I don’t mind. I work two jobs for this purpose.

Divorce is getting told you’re lucky your mom is poor because now you can receive scholarships. Nothing about divorce embodies luck. We are forced to go through so much pain and heartache only to get told our FAFSA is sitting pretty. I arrive at my mother’s home praying that she didn’t quit this job, because the last one only lasted two weeks.

Divorce is your father asking why you don’t hate your mom for being poor. When parents of children terminate their union, the judge determines custody. Custody is the schedule upon which each parent sees their children, the stockholders’ share in our lives. Our judge awarded full custody to our family. We spend one week with our mom, and on Sundays we pack up our lives and trek to our dad’s home for the next week. If my dad discovers that I paid for food, I get his angry words booming in my ears: “I pay your mother enough a month to buy groceries for a year; what do you mean you had to buy them?” Accompanied by much more vulgarit. I fight back the tears as my brother often cries. Child support became less of a means of survival and more of a talking point during these skirmishes with my father.

Divorce is seeing time through a lens that delineates the days as either “Mom’s” or “Dad’s.” The year moves with twice the speed. Months pass by with confusion, because we only see our mom for two of the weeks. We’ve grown accustomed to hoping we are at our mother’s so that we can see friends; our dad doesn’t typically allow hangouts. It means calling your mother before you get home, because last time her one night stand was in the doorway.

Divorce is locking yourself in your bathroom, fearing injury. After coming home late, my father’s girlfriend screamed at me and took my phone from me. She proceeded to chase me into the bathroom while my father did nothing. At this moment, divorce meant being unsafe in your own home. Eventually she left me alone, but I still have pangs of sadness when I consider situations our dad puts us through.

Divorce is breaking down when someone asks how you’re doing. Your parents are so caught up in their own fighting that you are overlooked. My school counselor called me into her office to discuss college. Being the end of my tenth-grade year, I figured I had processed the divorce. We finished our college discussion, and she asked me how I was doing. I realized that the weight of all the stress placed upon my shoulders had worn me down. Tears in my eyes, I left the room.

Divorce is handling the process better than your own parents. Whenever my parents get in fights, they block each other’s phones. This causes them to go through us to discuss financial issues. We hear harsh, crude language concerning our mom and dad, a stark contrast to the once loving words they used to profess.

The way to deal with divorce is not in the manner previously described. When parenting through this tough time, remember your priority is the child. Take the time to ask how they are doing. Never let the child see the ugliness of your relationship with your former significant other. The biggest regret I have is witnessing the hate between my parents. If you are a child going through this tough time, it is important to know that your parents love you. Your mental health is important. Talk to counselors if your parents are unavailable. Know that you are not the problem.

Divorce is a combination of anger, sadness, and blame. The problems my brother and I are faced with are reflections of a mishandled relationship. We have our brotherhood, and that makes things bearable. If things get bad, we know to talk about our feelings. Divorce may be a lot of negative things, but it has also made us stronger.

Stories are often told with a resolution, which signifies the end of a conflict. My parents’ conflict has neither finished nor approached its end. While the denouement is how you come to terms with a resolution, I feel that my brother and I have already achieved our coming to terms and bypassed the resolution.