The Dishwasher Dialogues.

The Invisible Woman.

Our heroine, formally a part time perceived princess, is now a full time Family Carer. The world, especially her bit of it in the UK, is still in a state called Pandemic. Locked down, let out, locked down again, local levels of risk, traffic light systems for travel and a general deterioration of an already deteriorating health system being only part of the Pandemical Problems.

If she had time or energy for political analysis these days our heroine might have some Opinions about this... She's too busy however, and too exhausted, to formulate them. She has become a drudge, an invisible woman. Servicing the needs of others and trapped in a vicious circle of dependency, resentment and grumpiness. It is impossible to formulate an opinion, let alone start a revolution (and hard enough to even make small but necessary changes) while caretaking elderly parents and trying to support an increasingly unreasonable African husband to culturally adapt to UK life.

Unable to cast off her chains and break free of domestic drudgery she has decided to strike a blow for her own liberation and use her parent's money to buy a dishwasher ... She's tried asking the fairy folk to help but her saucers of milk remain untouched and go rancid. They are busy elsewhere she thinks, or dead of viruses (virusi? wonders the tiny bit of her brain that can still think about things other than shopping lists and the latest phone number for the new third party platform that now runs the Orthotics dept that used to be NHS). She's also tried the Snow White approach, but no matter how prettily she sings (and she's started smoking again so not that prettily these days) no forest animals come to wash the dishes or tidy the house.

A Dishwasher it will have to be, and possibly a hoover that works properly, but one thing at a time... This, she knows, is going to Cause a Row She has been given some information on communication skills by a well meaning (but under resourced, and thus of limited availability to those such as her without a Decent Income) therapy service. Clearly state your needs it says, be assertive but not aggressive. Take responsibility for your feelings and don't blame others. This is, of course, harder when you are invisible. She knows a thing or two about communication anyway, but with her self-esteem lost in the washing pile somewhere and the inability to find either her sense of humour or self-worth she's read the emailed pages from the therapy service. So, she's framing the opening sentence to her parents in her head 'I think a dishwasher would be a good idea as I'm getting very tired and it would save a lot of work'. This will be followed by a discussion of nicer things they could all do if she has more time, like more outings to the park (with it’s promise of ice cream).

Framing and reframing the opening sentence to begin the dishwasher dialogue is occupying a lot of our heroine's time and taking up most of the space in her head. The situation has become Fraught and in other Fraught situations she has participated in, what gets said is not always quite what was intended. She's consulted various Friends and Relations about her plan, to gather emotional support and get Ideas. As usual this has had a mixed response.

The invisible drudge part of her life (which often feels like ALL of her life) is doubly invisible to some. This seems especially true of Family Members for reasons she surmises are Emotionally Complicated; having elements of Denial and Guilt. Most of these people seem to feel a dishwasher is Unnecessary, or even that it borders on an Indulgence! Blessed with wonderful friends, some with dishwashers of their own, and to whom neither herself or the hard work of Caring for The Elderly are invisible, she's had both Encouragement and Advice. Armed with the knowledge that a dishwasher can be seen as A Good Idea, and that she has a right to be concerned about her own energy levels she presses on with Making It Happen.

Now she is inundated with pictures of, and links to, dishwashers of all kinds; new and used, slimline, tabletop, standard! Our divine drudge isn't the best shopper in the world. She doesn't really like too much choice and she worries about Getting It Wrong. This happened when replacing the toaster and the oven. It has also happened with replacing the microwave, which was facilitated by The Sister, so at least it's not just her! This is small comfort however when dealing with anxious elderly parents. One of these has some mental health issues and is scared of kitchen appliances. Neither like Change.

Change is about the only certainty thinks our heroine, when she gets a moment to reflect after arriving at the parental household in the morning and before anyone needs anything! The UK family (as opposed to the other one, in The Hot Country, but that's another story) have been neither helpful or supportive about any of the necessary changes since Caring began. She has moved her life almost 300 miles north of where it used to be, taken on Main Carer role and basically had quite a lot of Trouble over it. She has not yet told The Sister of her intentions, for reasons that shall become clear. Responses to text messages to Family Members suggesting she may get a dishwasher for The Parents vary from 'How Selfish, that will cause too much disruption', 'washing up for 2 people can't be that much work' to total silence.

At least one of these people has a dishwasher, she knows. It's no good being upset, they are Like That, she's had plenty of experience of it. Why she still tries to talk things through and get support/encouragement/advice/ideas is a mystery to her. She is, she supposes, still trying to ‘be fair’ and Consult. Negotiating with The Family is the equivalent of ‘banging head on brick wall’ type activity, and just as painful. More painful in fact as said activity does no damage to the heart, nor does it erode self confidence or a sense of Self Worth! So she puts sticking plaster on her poor shattered heart, thinks of her friends saying nice things and turns her mind again to how to begin the dishwasher dialogue.

The Conversation.

Having girded her loins and rehearsed her opening sentences and generally psyched herself up to Do It Right, our heroine has, of course, not quite lived up to her own standards! She began with her Mum as she's the most resistant to change as well as the most directly involved. Any sort of domestic chore is out of her dad's orbit. He did used to wash up occasionally pre stroke, but no longer has the physical capacity to do so. Also, historically, the family process for disseminating information is for a person to tell mum and for mum to Tell Dad.

Finding The Right Time was crucial, and she didn't. Being Calm was crucial and she wasn't. Rather than the reasoned discussion she had planned she rather desperately and aggressively blurted out 'I can't carry on like this we need a dishwasher'! The conversation was particularly pressing as she had actually bought one secondhand, the day before, and had to go and collect it tomorrow! Things Did Not Go Well but after blundering about and Bulldozing, rather than Respecting and Discussing, she left her mum to think about it. This, of course, caused The Worry Hydra to begin growing.

She had been trying to avoid exactly this, but on reflection, it was inevitable as almost anything, big or small, can cause it... She Felt Terrible, the main emotional state for A Carer... How could she be so selfish? Catching herself and refocussing, she remembers that indeed, she cannot Carry On this way and that a dishwasher is necessary to free her energy for some of the other things she's Not Managing. Girding everything yet again she goes to do the washing up. She reminds herself that The Worry Hydra is ever present and can grow alarmingly even without any input from her. Her mum’s state of anxiety is Not Her Fault etc etc.. Despite all this self talk she still feels bad about it!

Later she finds the dishwasher dialogues have hit an unexpected snag. Our heroine's dad has suddenly begun paying attention to the domestic realm and said No. This is upsetting and unexpected. The kitchen would need major rearrangement to fit in a dishwasher, so our divine drudge had suggested the utility room. This seems to be the major objection and she is not sure why. The carrying of plates etc is, she thinks, The Issue. Her mum once fell carrying something so this may be behind his sudden refusal. Between them they can grow a Worry Hydra that's out of control very fast. The fact that the only person carrying or washing plates these days is her seems to be irrelevant. The Refusal was made just as she was leaving after a rather Difficult Day in which she had had a meltdown. Her dad has Patriarchal Tendencies and can be very unreasonable, and they have A History of Conflict so it’s all a bit tricky to manage.

Practical Problems.

Now the dishwasher sits in unplumbed in splendour in the garage (she had already bought it remember as it was £20 from a neighbour and in perfect condition!). It will have to be Declared as even The Parents, with their internal preoccupations will eventually notice! Amazingly they hadn’t noticed her putting it there, but then it was done in the morning and neither of them go in the garage much. The husband couldn’t help for reasons she can’t even comprehend but luckily there is a neighbour under 80 who can sometimes help with Lifting things. Then there is a plumber to find…

Yesterday’s meltdown was caused by the Overload/Overwhelm our heroine lives with being tipped into Critical by an incident involving the new showerhead she'd had fitted. The Shower saga had been a particularly epic one involving a broken twenty five year old shower hose that then couldn't be matched. A tale of Hope and despair and searching for The Right Part that was barely credible and almost broke her.

It went on for months. The Sister pointed that out, unhelpfully, at intervals (as in why isn’t it sorted yet?) Sourcing the parts, during a pandemic, was almost hilarious at times. Constant reassurances from salespeople that all shower fittings are standard - a Lie she's heard many times about many things - was part of the epicness. How long does something take before it's an Epic Saga? Maybe it was A Quest. Much less romantic than searching for a golden fleece but with many treacherous seas and The Sister is worse than any Gorgon or Siren with her undermining of confidence and ability to murder any budding hopes.

Eventually a 'unit' was purchased and a plumber found. Two plumbers in fact as the first went AWOL (they still owe him for the part). Her Mum, suspicious of all gadgetry and ever ready to fall into a doom-laden scenario, wouldn't use it at first. Then she decided the plumber had broken the thermostat. Now she is saying the water trickles out (she keeps moving the lever, that’s why!) ... She has an uncanny ability to do this sort of thing with anything. The glass plate on the microwave 'doesn't fit' when she uses it, the gas cooker 'is broken' and wont light. On and on goes her litany of ineffectual or broken appliances. Things are better than they were as such difficulties used to cause Terror and/or Wringing of Hands or Rocking In The Corner. Now it's just panic and complaining...

So our divine drudge is In Despair (again) and Weighed Down by her Responsibilities. How to move on, move forward, keep going? Another Conversation must be had and she is full of Dread. She actually feels physically sick and her stomach is in knots. This is probably Stress, which is widely talked of, but it could also be Something Else (possibly aggravated by Stress). She is having some Tests, which are themselves causing Stress!

Ideas and Planning and the energetic equivalent of a bulldozer, are required and she currently has none of these. Also no Resilience, which is also widely talked about in Carer’s Groups. Where to find some? While searching for her sense of humour in all the usual places she has also looked to see if there is any Resilience left. Not in the fridge, although she found some other things in there and ate those in case It Helped. Not in the cupboards (ditto) and not down the back of the sofa. Maybe she should knit or crochet some but she's never been any good at that sort of thing!

Failing to find any resilience stashed in cupboards for emergencies our heroine Carries On (although not calmly!). Wading through the sticky shallows of her own Dread she has made it to the ocean to do battle with both The Worry Hydra and The Sister. Her Dad, now himself needing Capitalusing, has also, rather unexpectedly, entered the arena of conflict! Also the toaster has broken, the spare toaster (kept up in the roof) doesn't work. There is a law that there Must Be Toast In The Mornings and yesterday she had to do it under the grill, which waits until you glance away for a second or make tea and then incinerates the toast. This causes a Grumpy Father to go into critical meltdown!

Complicated family negotiations and domestic appliances.

.

Meanwhile the dishwasher sits in the garage, unable to be helpful. Her Dad has Said No. The Sister has sent a series of unkind accusatory texts that could serve as the basis for a training session on dealing with passive/aggressive communication. Part of her is tempted to get the plumber just to connect the damn thing in the middle of the night but she knows there must be Negotiation/Discussion, Consent even. This is the source of her Dread as a similar situation has been going on re a new hoover for over three years now! It has been agreed that a Dishwasher Dialogue will happen, with her parents, in a civilized fashion, today, after breakfast but her Dad is now too unwell to participate. What's a girl to do???

The Invisible Woman feels like she's fading fast. Not only is her need for a dishwasher being disregarded but there seems to be a General Equipment Failure. She is also pondering the issue of Capitl Letters. It seems like all the significant people in her life are becoming Capitalised.

There is The Sister - with her own Worry Hydra, some shared with The Parents. Between the three of them they can create a Worry Hydra so immense it can take our divine drudge days or even weeks to slay it! She is also not only not a source of Support and Encouragement but a constant and seemingly inexhaustible source of Criticism and The Creation of Extra Problems. Passive/aggressive texting and making mountains out of molehills are just two of her superpowers. She specialises in Undermining our heroine and Complicating Matters.

Then there are The Parents, individually and collectively, and their ever present Worry Hydra. The Mother comes with an extra dose of Anxiety but at least, intermittently, has a sense of humour. She is also capable of Warmth and Gratitude. The Father comes with a massive dose of white male privilege so battling with Entrenched Patriarchal Attitudes goes alongside dealing with Confusion, Memory Loss and Diabetes.

Also there is The Husband, who also suffers from Male Privilege but being both black, which of course has it's own capital letter, and Not From Here, is possibly the most complicated of all the major characters in this story. Black, in our heroine’s country is a whole series of complex oppressions, and Cultural Adjustment is yet another story.... some of this has been written in other places but doesn’t belong here. Basically he Doesn’t Help Much, parentally speaking, although he’s good in a pinch and can be relied on to come and pick people off the floor (literally) if they fall, and nearer The End for her dad a bit of the lifting if they got really stuck. Fortunately she also has FRIENDS and this is why she is not rocking in a corner or Running Away!

Weighed down with all this Capitalisation our heroine considers her life, briefly, in the few moments she has spare from Caring and Domestic Drudgery. How to start that revolution? (the personal being the political and all that). It's not just a dishwasher she needs but Radical Change. In all the areas of her life. Trapped by Circumstances is not the best place to start but she knows you have to start somewhere. Somewhere Else would be preferable!

She has two days Off because The Sister has descended upon the parental home. This always causes more trouble than the respite is worth and yesterday was no exception. Unpleasant texts were received. The dishwasher dialogue was only part of the poisonous passive aggressive onslaught that passes for communication by The Sister. She held her ground, just about, but is emotionally battered and has probably forgotten some Important Things.

The series of notes and reminders she has to leave in her wake didn't include the fact that the lawnmower is broken although it did mention the new toaster. Both of these things The Sister will see for herself and both will cause Trouble. The lawnmower, which is too small, was bought by The Sister for the Parental Household so it's being broken will be doubly problematic because of this. The only hope here is that The Parents don't use it, The Sister rarely does and so maybe it’s brokenness will not be Noticed.... Too much to hope for. She reaches for her phone to send a carefully worded emotionally neutral text about the fact one of the bolts came off and she'll sort it next week.

The toaster will cause a different sort of Trouble. Firstly, she independently bought it without Consultation so there will be Consequences. Pointing out the old one, limping along for years as The Parents can't abide Change, was broken and blew the electrical circuit in the kitchen will not be sufficient. She knows she has committed the crime of autonomous decision making in regard to the purchase of Household Items. This will be duly noted and will not go unpunished by The Sister.

The Parents actually like the new toaster. Mostly because it works. True it has caused Change but there is agreement it is For The Better. The old toaster necessitated a complex and tricky routine. Putting a slice of bread into it, checking it, turning it round and repeating; so as to have the same amount of toasting on both sides due to one side heating up more than the other. The Disaster Potential, always lurking in any domestic task, was high. Toast was often incinerated, especially when this task was performed by The Mother. The new one not only has an interesting blue light, which has provided a Talking Point, but reliably makes toast. This has been a morning miracle all week.

There is, of course, Anxiety about Settings. Settings are always an issue and must be endlessly discussed and fiddled with. Even this process has been relatively minor in this particular instance which is both surprising and pleasing. There is general parental agreement that the new toaster is a Good Thing and Makes Life Easier. This will worsen the Crime of unilateral appliance buying in the eyes of The Sister. Buying a domestic appliance that works well without extensive consultation is straying into very dangerous territory. It is a confrontational display of Competency and may even be (mis)construed as an attempt to Know Best and these are heinous crimes which will bring recriminations. The fact the Parents approve will worsen this. It was also quite cheap and from a supermarket so she cannot be accused of squandering parental capitol. She hangs on to the fact that at least on this front she will be In The Right.

All in all a working toaster, simple and easy to use, may well be much more Problematic than a broken lawnmower in the sister’s eyes. She also left a very large pile of washing up (mean, she knows, but she really was too tired to do it and was not just ‘making a point’ - honest), but suspects that will not be mentioned!

Attempting an Outing

Our exhausted heroine has used up her two days ‘off’. She has done a bit of cash in hand work clearing someone's garden and refreshed herself with friends and laughter. It is Not Enough but it is Something and The Parents and The Sister were going to have a dishwasher conversation in her absence . Sadly the result of this is that the dishwasher she bought is no longer in the garage but has been sold! This is surprising and Not Helpful (and she was, of course, not consulted). The new toaster is still in situ so that is Something. She considers getting in her car and driving a long way away but blood sugars must be checked and elderly people fed and there is a paternal dental appointment tomorrow...

Another day dawns and no dishwasher has magically manifested. The new toaster, it is generally agreed by The Parents, is Helpful. It can reliably make toast in a much more straightforward way than the old one as long as no one messes with the settings. This fact is beginning to be accepted and the making of toast is less stressful and anxiety provoking than it used to be. The Invisible Woman is drawing both Strength and Hope from this and pushing the idea that a new Domestic Appliance can be A Good Thing because look how great the new toaster is! (she cannot quite believe she’s still going round this loop in desperation, nor can she quite get over the Acceptance of the new toaster and repeat conversations about it actually making toast but such is a Carer’s Life). She is girding her loins for another round of dishwasher dialogues but it will not be today.

Today there is going to be An Outing. The ground has been prepared although those with memory issues may not, in fact, respond to We Talked About This Yesterday. It has been decided that An Outing, once a week, should be attempted and so the plan is to go to the park after breakfast. In the timeline she is currently operating in this will be about 2pm.

Since the Pandemic pandemonium and subsequent increase in the growth of The Worry Hydra her Dad has only left the house for medically related reasons so today will be a Big Deal. She has managed a couple of walks in the park with her mum, and there was a bit of wandering about and looking at gardens before a dental visit so she's hoping to build on that. There is also the possibility of ice cream in the park. Blood sugar levels be damned, she'll use any incentive possible!

In the early morning hours before servicing The Parents, our divine drudge drinks tea and plans her moves. She also goes through her daily morning routine of promising herself she won't smoke and then Giving In and having a fag. This provides a rich source of self loathing and she is Fed Up with herself. Currently unable to replace said habit with stretching or yoga breathing she can also productively use the time to fret about all that must be done and Money Worries. This morning she's managed to cram all of that into a relatively short time and is now having more tea and wishing she was in a field somewhere with friends. Really Anywhere Else would be better.

Fighting against her urge to head for the hills our heroine is Carrying On. The Father is not well, his blood sugars are not stable and so readings must be taken morning and night and this is a Right Old Palaver. Due to circulation issues (and she suspects personality) it is like getting blood out of a stone. The diabetic testing kit is indeed testing. There is worry and grumping between the parents. He likes to do it himself and therin lies the rub. Actually the rub is one of the problems - he never rubs the chosen finger properly to bring blood to the area so that after pricking with needle there is enough blood for the clever little machine to read. He Won't Be Told so mornings are even more conflict ridden than usual and as she enters the house of a morning the Worry Hydra grown by her mum is already huge and strong and she must do battle. The sword of reason and reassurance is almost worn away with constant use..

The daily explanations are wearing her out and she's wondering about some printed cards to hold up…. How to handle an aging diabetic with no short term memory and a person with an anxiety disorder without becoming unreasonable at best? The dwarves of despair, depression, exhaustion, fury, inadequacy and lack of Resilience are omnipresent in her life and Not Helpful. If she is Snow White where are the forest animals to help with domestic chores and why is no one whistling happily? Hi ho, she sighs and rings the chemist, who have again sent to wrong supplies. They now have four boxes of needles and no testing strips. Her invisibility appears to be spreading, not just the Parents and The Sister who don't see or hear her it seems, but the chemist too. What is unclear about 'we have plenty of needles but no testing strips'? Do her words on the telephone get scrambled before reaching the ears of health professionals? This is not the first time there has been A Mistake with medical supplies. She would comfort herself with visiting the dishwasher in the garage and dreaming of easier days but it is not there. She had a weekend off, The Sister descended and it has Gone!

There wasn’t an Outing that day. She didn’t manage to tame the worry Hydra enough to Make it Happen!

Dishwasherless Despair and no tea!

Our entirely dishwasherless heroine, plagued by the dwarves of despair and exhausted by daily battles with The Worry Hydra, is in need of A Sea Change. She would like to be in a different story. Certainly one with less washing up and drudgery! Also one with quite a lot more laughter and Having Enough Money. She can think of many alternative narratives but how to get into them?

After her first battle but before breakfast (as in Parental breakfast, which can occur any time between about 12.30 & 2) our heroine makes A Decision. She will have a little respite from this tale of drudgery and despair and stop wondering why The Sister decided to dispose of the dishwasher before it could be installed. Nothing too radical or dramatic, something achievable. She will go for a walk in the park, a cup of tea in the Caff and Time Out. She moves through the morning routines and prepares the second meal (breakfast is so late in the parental household there is only time for 1 more meal before bed). She does battle with the Worry Hydra some more and succeeds in temporarily severing the head of Anxiety About a shortage of Yoghurt.

Efficiently if distractedly administering medicines and making a diabetic egg custard plus other such thrilling tasks occupies several more hours and then she says her usual goodbye see you in the morning and and ring if you need me. She heads for the park. It's not as peaceful as it was pre pandemic as a lot more people now use it but it is Outside and has trees and a lake. It also has an ice cream van and a lot of yelling kids and is not quite the serene experience she had hoped. She walks and looks at trees. She loves trees. Their immensity, their majesty, their extraordinary treeness.. The willows by the lake were old and magnificent even when she was a small girl and so they are still. Her spirits soothed a little she heads for the Caff and a cuppa, maybe even a cake? The caff is closed. A small disappointment but unexpectedly she is crying, tears pouring down her face and the dwarves of Desolation and Despair pounding at her heart…

After the Failure To Have Tea in the Park narrative our divine drudge is Downhearted and unable to fend off the dratted dwarves. She's overcome by The Worry Hydra and the Quest for Resilience is not going well. After some days of Parental Emergencies there is a lull. She went home last night and had a bath. These days she doesn’t always manage to go home until after 10, and sometimes not at all, so this was A Treat. Immersion in warm water helped immensely and she also managed to Get Some Sleep, although this was not restful as the now resident, dwarves caused Disturbing Dreams.

The car, miraculously, passed its MOT and she wonders about simply driving off in it, but where would she go? It is now morning and she is sitting in her own house wondering how to face the day ahead. There is no milk so there is no tea. She sips at lemon juice in hot water, which she knows is good for her but is not helping raise her spirits. The last two slices of bread are mouldy and the house is A Mess. African husbands do not understand about Tidying Up, or Emotional Support. An attempt had been made to clean the bath and currently this is the best she can hope for.

She is Miserable. The dwarves of Desolation and Despair are living in her heart and starting to control everything. Her eyes are filtered through this control system now. Everything she looks at causes Misery. The tasks undone, the lack of a cup of tea, the unhoovered carpet, the pile of washing up and knowledge of another such waiting for her in the parental household. She needs to expel the dwarves and change the filters before All Is Lost. Comfort will have to do in the absence of Resiliance, and focusing on small achievable things. Also Gratitude, which she knows is a powerful weapon. She has, sadly, finished her book, another fine tool in the battle against the onset of dwarves, black dogs and exhaustion. So how to bring a bit of brightness into the start of the day? Write a story of course, if you can't read one....

Our heroine has found a bit of resilience in an old tee shirt in the bottom of the wardrobe. It is woven from Memories and is a bit mouldy. She has washed it carefully so it doesn't disintegrate and put it in her pocket. Combined with a scrap of Hope found in some fluff in the pocket of a jacket it may just be Enough to get her through a few days at least.

The parental situation is dire. Her Dad is Not Well At All and the Worry Hydra has taken over the house. Age, frailty, fear, vascular dementia, and diabetes, are hard to hold, and she needs both strength and courage as well as a sense of humour (and tea). She has managed to buy milk so this morning she sips her tea and begins to make her protective cloak from the scraps of Hope and Resilience she found and the love and support of her friends. Sewing is not her thing so it will not be an object of beauty. A ragtag patchwork of kindness, hope, love, connection, experience, compassion, laughter and other such will do nicely however. She sweeps the dwarves of despair and desolation from her heart with her magic broom of determination and wraps herself in this patchwork. It will keep her heart warm and help with defence against the Worry Hydra. A second cup of tea, a good book also, sent by one of the marvellous friends.. The morning is so much better than many others already...

Endpiece

Eventually The Sister bought a brand new smaller dishwasher which was installed in a very inconvenient place in the kitchen - which necessitated moving the table every time you needed to get stuff in or out of it. Our heroine never really found out if this was with parental agreement/collusion or not but there was certainly no discussion about it that she was party to. She lasted as the main carer for another couple of years, until six months after her dad died, when she had a meltdown for the last time and left her mum to the tender mercies of The Sister, now retired, and the Brother, who was suddenly a lot more involved. Her dad died peacefully at home, as he had wished, her mum is still struggling with the Worry Hydra. There are still many passive/aggressive texts but she is no longer In charge so they don’t affect her as much. After just over five years of full-time Caring she is still recovering; but hopes, one day, to feel like a normal person again.