That's right, you want to find "the one." You've tried meeting people in your kickball league and on all the dating apps and websites, but you're sick of it. And how many uncomfortable first dates are necessary to discover someone who is "normal"? What's up with all the phony personas and sleazy individuals who appear more concerned with their own interests and can't be bothered to make a little adjustment to their schedule to, you know, go out with you?
I want you to start thinking about things a bit differently going forward if this sums up the bulk of your love experiences.
I believe that unequal expectations like these are the root of the great majority of issues with "finding someone."
The flakes, narcissists, and liars, on the other hand, will start to fade into the background when you turn this on its head and begin to take a bit more responsibility in this area of your life—when you begin concentrating on what kind of life you want to live and what kind of partner you want to be. You'll begin developing sincere relationships with individuals, which will improve both of your lives.
I probably had a bit too much of an obsession with this aspect of my life for years. The greatest way to find an incredible person, though, is to become an amazing person, which is something I discovered after fumbling through one bad relationship after another.
Let's start out with what would seem to be a bold assertion: the source of all unattractiveness is neediness, and the source of all beauty is non-neediness.
However, what precisely is neediness?
When you value other people's opinions more than you value your own, you are being needy.
You are being needy when you modify your actions or words to satisfy someone else's needs instead of your own. It is needed to make up information about your hobbies, interests, or past. Anytime you work for a goal in order to please other people rather than to satisfy yourself, it is needy.
Most individuals concentrate on whether behaviors are appealing or repulsive, but what really defines neediness (and, thus, attractiveness) is the motivation behind your conduct. Even if you say or do the coolest thing, if you do it for the wrong purpose, it will come off as desperate and needy and push others away.
"Your conduct is neither appealing or repulsive based on what you do; it is based on why you do it."
People can instantly detect when someone is acting desperate for your attention or love; chances are, you can too, and it's a huge turn off. This is due to the fact that individuals have a good sense for manipulative nonsense and neediness is essentially a type of manipulation.
Think about it, if you seem needy, you're attempting to influence someone to behave or think a specific way toward you for your personal gain. Consider how you react when someone makes a clear attempt to sell you anything by applying pressure and using sleazy tactics. It just seems incorrect. Similar feelings arise when someone behaves in a specific manner just to win your favor.
We all exhibit neediness sometimes because, of course, we care about what others think of us. That's just the way people are. The important thing to remember is that, in the end, you should care more about what you believe of yourself than what other people think.
CAREFULLY MANAGING YOURSELF
Nobody will be able to appreciate you as a person if you don't esteem yourself first. And caring for oneself shows that you appreciate yourself when it comes from a position of self-worth rather than necessity.
The distinction between self-care for the right and wrong motives is now subtle. If you engage in the behaviors I describe below in an effort to win over people, you are already at a disadvantage (remember how needy behavior is?). You should look after yourself because you truly want to be a healthy, educated, and well-rounded person for yourself and value your own worth above what other people think of you.
Consider it this way: You won't be loved by others until you are loved by yourself.
In light of the above, the following is a list of some of the principal aspects of your life that, if you haven't already, you need to concentrate on first:
The most significant action you can do to enhance your life is to take care of your physical and mental well-being. Almost every other aspect of your life, including dating and relationships, are significantly and permanently impacted by it.
Healthy nutrition and regular exercise not only improve your appearance but also your general well-being. It's much simpler to drag your ass out of the house and into the world when you feel better, when you have more energy and your attitude is somewhat lifted, so you can interact with others honestly and confidently. Also, it's more fun being near you. 4
Additionally, take care of any psychological or past-trauma difficulties you may have. If necessary, seek treatment and speak with friends and family. 5 It's alright if you need a little assistance in this area; in the end, you are the only one who can really help yourself. Make sure it's handled.
For a lot of individuals, money is a significant cause of worry. In fact, it may be so stressful that most individuals end up putting off solving many of their money issues entirely. This in turn creates a vicious loop wherein ignoring your financial issues just makes things worse and you eventually become even more anxious.
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Such persistent tension reduces your attractiveness. It depletes your energy, results in health problems,6 and basically turns you into a jerk to be around. Therefore, if this applies to you, it's time to face the facts about your money.
Understand personal money. Eliminate waste and look for methods to increase revenue both immediately and over time. Open a savings account to use in times of need. As soon as you can, pay off your debt. Recognize the fundamentals of investment.
Get this element of your life under control so it won't interfere with other aspects of it, in other words.
Simply said, nobody wants to be around someone who constantly complains about their work, much less date them. I know not everyone gets to work in their ideal positions or launch a billion-dollar company tomorrow. All of us are born with different amounts of natural skill in one or more fields, and occasionally our interests and passions may become our jobs. In other cases, we have to perform "regular" jobs to support ourselves while pursuing our interests and abilities on the side.
In any case, you may take immediate steps to locate meaningful job that you like, or at the very least, don't dread, regardless of your existing circumstances. Apply for new positions. Attend career fairs and engage in networking. Develop practical, enjoyable skills by enrolling in courses. Improve your interviewing and negotiating skills to get better job terms.
If you spend every weekend going to the same three or four bars with the same three or four individuals and then wonder why you can't meet intriguing, beautiful people who you can connect with, then stop for a second and consider how backward that is.
Having an active social life increases your chances of finding someone you get along with and makes life more satisfying and pleasurable. It also brings you in touch with more (and diverse) individuals.
I'll go into more detail about this in the part after this one, but for now, here are some suggestions to get you going: looking into new pastimes and interests; enrolling in art classes; enrolling in martial arts or yoga; signing up for a local sports league; etc. Engage in activities that will get you out of bed and socializing. All aspects of your life will benefit greatly from this.
All of these areas need a lot of time and work to develop, as you'll see. In fact, it's likely that you won't ever stop working on each of them in some capacity, and that's OK. The best approach to manage these aspects of your life is to create wholesome, reliable routines for them.
And the goal isn't to achieve some kind of nirvanic condition in which you have thousands of friends, six-pack abs, a fortune, and a full social calendar before, at last, discovering true love. Simply strive to be the greatest version of yourself that you can be at all times is the goal.
WHERE CAN I FIND REAL LOVE?
Do you take social justice seriously? You're a health nut, right? Do you like to socialize or party hard? Are music and the arts truly your jams? Maybe you like being outside?
Develop your hobbies first, just for the sheer enjoyment of engaging in them. Then, as a result, you will come into contact with others who are drawn to you based on who you are rather than what you say or do.
I'll use a little silly example to make my point: it's probably not the ideal strategy for a smart lady who is passionate about her work as a scientist to meet suitable men by entering wet T-shirt competitions.
She would be better to pursue more intellectual activities so she may meet others whose interests and values are more similar to her own. This is not to say that people who attend wet T-shirt competitions are all dumb. such as enrolling in language courses, working as a volunteer at a nearby museum, visiting art exhibits and talks, etc.
So stay away from pubs and clubs if you're truly like science fiction, Dungeons & Dragons, or artwork from the 8th century Middle Ages. Similar to how joining a skydiving club may not be the first place you try to meet new people and extend your social circle if you like peaceful evenings at home and love knitting, it depends on your own preferences.
Experimenting with broadening your interests is OK, but always do it for yourself rather than to find Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.
IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT ONLINE DATING AND APPS
Online dating is not intrinsically bad, in my opinion, and studies have shown that more and more individuals are meeting online and forming committed relationships.
It is very feasible and may be a fantastic way to meet people, particularly if you are new to the area, have a ton of work to do, or are just "getting back out there."
However, the majority of individuals don't utilize internet dating to its full potential. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it's not them—you—if it's you have issues with someone being erratic and/or ambivalent.
You know, meeting people fast and easily is one of the best things about online dating and dating apps, but that is about it. The onus is thus on you to take the initiative and express your needs in a direct manner.
Some individuals will be horrified by this. As a result, some folks may "ghost" on you. This is a good thing, I'm here to tell you.
VULNERABILITY AND HONEST COMMUNICATION
There are many sources of dating advice, and I'm sorry to tell that the majority of it is utter nonsense. It entirely misses the purpose of the delight of meeting someone you connect with since it concentrates so much on the "tactics" and "strategies" of attracting someone.
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Don't say that, say this. Prior to phoning or messaging them back, wait 3.46 days. Touch them once every seven minutes on the left arm while subtly indicating your sociosexual orientation. Laugh, but not excessively. Be gently intrigued yet not too eager. Keep them guessing at all times to maintain the "mystery."
Fuck it, I say.
Speaking and expressing oneself honestly on an emotional level is a necessary aspect of becoming a mature, functional adult in the world.
8 This is difficult for many, particularly those who have had difficulties in their love relationships. They either never learned how to be vulnerable in a healthy manner or they have lost interest in relationships because they have become so cynical. In order to prevent people from really understanding who they are, they put up their guard.
When executed properly, vulnerability really serves as a display of strength and control. You don't "give them all the power" when you tell someone you like them and want to get to know them better unless you have a complete stake in how they react to you.
Instead, if you are just expressing yourself to let people know what you want and you're ready to suffer any repercussions, others will notice that. And it is really alluring.
I've written before on being vulnerable. If you feel that you may be more susceptible, you can learn more about it.
But before going any further, I want to be clear about vulnerability: this is not another another "technique" or "plan" to use in order to win over people. That is neediness by definition (neediness is something we keep coming back to, isn't it?).
A person who is actually safe and at ease with vulnerability is just being themselves and stating, "This is who I am, flaws and all. I'm OK with it whether or not you like me.
THE ONE FEATURE TO SEEK IN A PARTNER
My opinions on romantic relationships have sometimes been seen as being a touch excessive by certain individuals. I understand that I often use extreme examples to make my point when discussing issues like morals and limits. Since no one is flawless, many people mistakenly believe that I am advocating that you only strive for perfection in your romantic relationships. This leads to false expectations and disappointment.
Everyone, of course, has flaws. You can never discover a person without emotional baggage or anxieties.
How do we approach it is the true issue. In earlier posts, I discussed how to identify emotionally manipulative conduct and how to stay away from those that do. These are individuals who have baggage and issues that they utilize against the guys they date.
I want to discuss here the qualities to actively seek for in a partner when choosing to date or commit to them, baggage and fears included.
(Spoiler: Seek for those who are adept at handling their fears.)
THE HARD WAY OF LEARNING
My first few meaningful relationships were plagued by heavy manipulation and victim/rescuer dynamics. Although these relationships were wonderful teachers, they also caused me a lot of grief, which I finally had to learn from.
I didn't really understand what to look for while dating someone until I was able to put myself in relationships with some emotionally stable women who were able to handle their defects successfully.
Most of us probably have no idea what we're doing when it comes to dating, that much is quite certain. Although we are probably aware that there is no one method to seek and sustain a relationship, there are certain dating advice ideas to keep in mind that will facilitate the process of discovering that special someone.
It's also no secret that most of us have erred more often than we'd want to admit in terms of finding the ideal partner or simply following the rules of basic dating etiquette. However, when we make errors in dating and relationships, we also create a chance to learn from them and change our ways of acting in the future for both ourselves and our potential mates. There are times when you may observe your friends or family members to get insight into their dating blunders so you don't have to make as many of your own.
Here are some tips on dating that you may use as you gain experience and determine what you really want from a relationship.
Don't Get Infatuated with Potential
Avoiding falling in love with someone's potential is one of the most crucial elements of a successful dating strategy. Whether you're single or in a relationship, we all have our faults and will hopefully attempt to fix them. However, there are certain objectives and desires that individuals should have previously attained or be diligently working toward before beginning a relationship. Both personal and professional endeavors fall under this.
Trust people when they reveal their identities to you
If it behaves, looks, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck, the adage says. Believe individuals when they demonstrate rudeness, indifference, or dominance toward you. Despite the fact that you could be drawn to them, they are not the right choice for a relationship. It's preferable to break up a relationship before being too committed emotionally.
Avoid Being Tricked
Even while there are certain undesirable personality characteristics you should avoid, we must always keep in mind that nobody is flawless. When someone apologizes for hurting you but keeps acting the same way, they are manipulating you. Keeping your emotions in control is essential if you want to safeguard yourself from manipulation. Determine how much the person you're interested in is investing in you on a reciprocal basis. You risk being taken advantage of if you merely follow your emotions. Remember that if someone hasn't made an effort to seek a relationship with you, no matter how much you like them or how much you believe they like you, they don't really like you that much.
Financial exploitation is another issue that should be avoided in partnerships since people may do it. The individual who invites the other person out should pay for the supper, according to one of the finest dating advice to follow. This prevents you from feeling pressured to make a payment if you didn't start the date.
Be Heard on Social Issues
Being vocal about social justice topics you care about is one of the greatest dating advice or suggestions to follow. When it comes to issues of sexism or racism, women often feel compelled to keep their mouths shut and be nice. Women have been taught by society that if they express apparent rage or are vocal about these concerns, they would be seen as difficult or angry and will thus be viewed as less attractive. However, it's crucial for a woman to speak out and make it plain that their date's discriminating conduct won't be accepted when she observes it. Future issues might worsen if you remain quiet.
Ensure your own well-being.
Always keep in mind that if you don't perceive the worth in yourself, neither will others. You are modeling how you want to be treated by others when you take care of your physical, mental, and emotional needs. You will attract others to you if you are well-rounded, ambitious, physically fit, affable, and self-assured. Be with someone who appreciates these qualities in you and returns the favor. To avoid anger and uncertainty in your relationship, you should also search for someone who has a positive view of themselves.
You may be hesitant to put yourself out there again after a few terrible dates or unsuccessful relationships. Find out about social gatherings in your neighborhood and show up looking your best. If your friends ask you to a restaurant or a pub, schedule some time to go since doing so boosts your likelihood of meeting new people. When you go on business travels or to networking events, be mentally available. You should be open-minded and accept the chance of meeting that special someone, even if you probably won't locate a possible date every time you leave your house.
When you do attend social gatherings, be cautious to maintain your safety while you look for a partner. Don't go anyplace alone with a possible date unless you are confident in them. Park your vehicle in a well-lit location. Let your friends know where you will be.
Whether you're dating someone new or trying to enter a fresh relationship after a protracted period of being single, you should take your time. Although you may be eager to get to know someone, you shouldn't hurry into a relationship. Before you decide to make a commitment, spend some time getting to know someone and figuring out whether you two are a good fit in terms of interests, personality, and long-term objectives. When it comes to intimacy, you should go slowly. Do exactly what you feel comfortable doing; don't allow someone pressure you into a relationship's physical component.
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