The Beginning Part Two

The first thing the Lady from CPS did was walk to our little table where we were sitting and eating. She looked around the living room, and then moved to the kitchen. The two police officers stayed near the door and observed the CPS worker. No one said anything. You could feel the tension that was left by the silence in the apartment.

I was not comfortable with any of this, and most of all, I wished the CPS would hurry up. My thighs were burning from the pain, but I had to hide it for the sake of our mother and my siblings. The CPS lady was taking notes, still silent as she made her way to the small hallway where the two bedrooms and single bathroom were. She went into the bathroom first, and I could hear her opening the drawers attached to the vanity and opening and closing the cabinets as well.

Then she went to the first bedroom, the one that the five of us shared. She browsed around and saw that there was some furniture in there. Matt had his own bed, but for my sisters and I there were two beds. One of them Sadie and I shared, the other was for Rene and Mandy. Of course, at that time, Mandy still slept in the crib, but once she outgrew it, and she was starting to, she would be sharing a bed with Rene.

My siblings and I were at the entrance of our room watching the CPS worker. One thing we hoped she would not take from us were our three toys. We saw her walk up to the tote that toys were placed in and said something to our mother. Then our mother shook her head no. The CPS worker walked over to the officers, said something and one of them exited.

I can still remember the feeling my heart was giving at that moment. I was scared, and I felt that my heart was going to jump right through my ribcage and hit the woman in the face. The feelings were intense and our mother, we could see putting her hands together in front of her and closing her eyes. Now that I am older, I know it was to pray, but back then, I just thought our mother was off her rocker.

After a few minutes, the officer came back with two bags. He handed them over to the worker and she took them to our bedroom. She walked back to the tote that had our three toys and emptied the first bag into the tote. She looked back at all five of us children standing in the doorway, all our eyes on her, watching her intently. She lifted her hand and motioned for us to come inside. We were all scared and looked at one another. Then the four of us girls looked at Matt for guidance. We only trusted him.

He looked back at us then the lady and slowly took one step into the room. Then he took another. By the third step, my sisters and I followed behind him. We did not take a step until he did. Once we got to the tote, the lady was smiling a very toothy smile, and she said, "It's okay children. This is for you," and she pointed to the contents of the tote. Inside were toys we had never seen before. There were turtle looking things, soft plush animals, more cars, building blocks and dinosaurs. (Naturally, we did not know they were called dinosaurs then). Then she took the second bag, and dumped it into the tote. This overfilled the tote, and out came more cars, more building blocks and some baby dolls and more stuffed animals. There was also a tea set, play food, and play dishes.

My siblings and I did not know what to think, we had never had more than just the 2 cars and the Smurfette. Now there were more toys to play with. Then the lady moved some of the toys around and took one toy out of the tote, and offered it to Matt. At the time, none of us knew what it was, but now that I am older, it can be labeled as a baseball. He was hesitant to take it from her, but he did. He held it in his hands, observing it. Had my sisters and I been sitting in chairs, the four of us would be falling off the edge as we watched him intently.

I remember watching Matt hold the baseball in both hands, turning it and looking at it. For a long while he did not take his eyes off the ball. My sisters and I were busy watching our brother that we had not realized that the lady was trying to hand each of us a toy, she had to give us a nudge. To Mandy, she gave her a stuffed pink dog that lit up when it was hugged, to Rene she gave a soft elephant with little blue stars on the belly. To Sadie and I, she gave what she called a Cabbage patch doll. Sadie's had red hair freckles on the cheek and a flowered dress. The doll resembled Sadie in a lot of ways. The one she handed me had blonde hair, like mine was, and freckles too. Instead of a flower dress, mine had on a pair of yellow overalls with tiny little pockets. I fell in love with my doll, maybe it was because it was the first one I ever had, I do not know. The doll made me smile for the first time that morning. My brother was the first to say anything, and all he could say was "Thank you," and after he said it my sisters and I said it too. Well, Mandy just babbled, be we all knew what she meant.

Even our mother said thank you to the lady. I was beginning to think she wasn't all bad as our mother claimed. She then held her hand out to Matt to take and told him she wanted to speak with him about something. He Was very reluctant, and at first stepped away, as did our little sisters. I just stayed put, thinking.

I was thinking if this lady wanted to take us away from each other and our mother, why would she give us these toys? I was so confused at the time, and afraid and happy all at once. But I knew I had to trust my brother, after all, he was the one that truly took care of my sisters and I. He was the one who fed us, cooked for us and started to teach me, he made sure we had diapers for the younger ones. He is even the one that potty-trained me!

The CPS lady told him it's okay, she just had some questions, and Matt looked back at the four of us girls watching him, then at our mother who looked uncomfortable. Then he looked at the face of the CPS lady. So did I. I remember seeing her soft, small smile. Not toothy like she had when she dumped the toys in the tote and handed each of us one. No, her smile was soft, and just barely put a few wrinkles around the corner of her eyes. Her eyes were green, and she wore glasses that made her eyes look bigger.

After some time passed, Matt took her outstretched hand. the lady started walking towards the door and my sisters Sadie and Rene were walking with me. Mandy was too busy playing with the toy the lady had given her. The lady led Matt toward the door of the apartment and my worst fear came to light. I remember running and attaching myself to his legs to hold him back from going outside with this woman. I remember crying and screaming at the top of my lungs over and over, "DON'T TAKE MY BROTHER AWAY!"

Yes, I caused a scene because I thought she was going to take Matt away from my sisters and me. I could not bear the thought of losing Matt. The lady let go of my brother and knelt beside me, and she placed her hand on my back and was rubbing my back. This had an odd comfort to me, and I stopped screaming and looked at her sideways. She looked blurry because I still had tears in my eyes. When I saw she had let go of my brothers hand, I let go of his legs and sat up to look at her. The doll that she had handed me had fallen to the floor when I grabbed for my brothers legs. The worker picked it back up and handed it back to me.

She told me she was not going far, just outside the door. Not even down the stairs, just right outside the door. She even said I could stand near if it made me feel better about it. She held out her pinky to me and I did not know what she was doing. So she explained she was making a promise not to go anywhere but outside the door. She said if I accepted her pinky with mine, it was called a pinkie promise and promises do not get broken. So I took her pinky with mine. My pinky was so small compared to hers.

She then stood up and took Matts hand once more and went out the front door. I walked and stood in the doorway and watched her intently, clutching my doll tightly as if my life depended on it. I knew she had made a promise to me and said it would not be broken, but I still did not trust her. I had to watch her and make sure she kept her end of the pinkie promise.

After some time passed, she held Matt's hand and led him back into the apartment. Then she asked me to take her hand and walk with her to the same spot outside the front door that she had just spoken to Matt at. I looked back at Matt, and he nodded to me with his approval. With that, I used one hand to unclench the doll, took her hand and we went to sit on the top step of the stairs. I held the doll in my lap, played with the ruffles on her overalls.

The first thing she asked me was if I was happy. Our mother did not go over this question, so I stayed silent. I did not know what to say. The lady asked if I understood and I shook my head. So she explained it to me. Happiness is laughter and that it was a good feeling to have. Then she asked again if I had that. So, I thought, Matt always made me laugh. My sisters were funny, especially Mandy when she was trying to walk, and she stumbled. Matt always made time to play with us. Our mother was never around, so I could not think of a time I felt this about her. But the lady did not ask if I was happy with mother, she asked if I was happy, if I ever had the good feeling of laughter. I looked down at the doll and the feeling of comfort and the love that I felt when it was given to me felt good. This must be the happy that the worker was talking about. My sisters and brother gave me that feeling also, everyday, so I said yes. Honestly, at that moment, I was happy.

Next, she asked if I had enough to eat everyday. I thought again, and Matt always provided the food for us. We ate, many times it was the same meal, but we ate. Then there were the times when some of the men would bring food, and we had more to eat. My answer again was yes.

The next question was a surprise. She asked me if there was a father in the home. I said no. Then she asked if I knew my father. At this time, I did not, I also did not know how to answer this question. None of these questions where the ones our mother coached us on. For this question I remained silent. I did not know if I knew my father. I did not even know what a father was! I looked down at my hands, at the smiling face of my doll, but I did not see my doll. I was inside my head, wandering, thinking. I could feel the eyes of the lady on me, waiting for me to reply. However, my reply did not come. I just sat, staring at the doll in my hands, not saying anything but wishing I knew the answer to give her. Why did my mother not coach me on this question?

After some time passed, the worker had another question. She had asked if my mother ever hit me. This was a question I knew the answer to, even if my mother did not tell me it. I replied with a no. She asked if my mother ever hit any of my siblings, and again I told her no. She then asked if her male visitors ever hit me or my siblings. Even though one of them did hit my brother in the face once, I still told her no.

She then said she had one question left. She asked me if my mother spent time with us and if she did anything that looked dangerous. I felt in my stomach that this was the type of question our mother warned us about. If I gave the truth, she would take us away and separate my brother and sisters from me. Mother had already told us what to say to these types of questions.

In reality, our mother never spent time with us. She was always in her room with a different man day and night. To me, using my brother and I as pincushions for those sharp needles was dangerous. They hurt, and stung. I was uncomfortable and I knew my brother was too. The pain was non stop and searing, but I had to hide it from my face with smiles. I had to hold the tears in. It was hard to do, but I did. I was managing it. We did not know how long we had to leave them in. I hoped not much longer.

None of that was my answer. Instead I told the worker that our mother spends lots of time with us. I said she loves us, and that before we go to sleep at night, she tells us a story. We did not have books, but that our mother made them up. She would tell us stories of princesses and kings, and far away lands with talking animals. I told her our mother was not dangerous and that she kept us safe from harm.

After I was done, the worker looked at me. It felt like she was trying to look through me, into my soul to find the secrets I hid from her behind my lies. It was like, she was trying to see if I was being honest with her. It felt weird to me. I just wanted this to be over. I did not want to talk anymore. I did not want to let her find the lies that I just fed her. I did not want my brother and sisters to be separated from each other or me. None of this I could say so I just sat in silence, waiting for her to continue.

After some time passed, she held out her hand for me and said let's go back inside. I happily took her hand, and let her lead me back inside our apartment. She then turned her attention to our mother. They too, went outside and talked. My brother said to stay back and he turned on the little television we had in the living room. He flipped the channels using the turn knob until he found cartoons. Smurfs was on and Papa Smurf, Smurfette and a bunch of other Smurfs where chasing Clumsy Smurf who had tripped and was now rolling down the hills. It was funny to watch Clumsy be clumsy so all five us us burst into laughter as we watched the Smurfs trying to catch Clumsy.

As I watched Papa Smurf check on all his fellow Smurfs, and as he led everyone back to the village, I kept my eye on papa with wander. I wandered what it would be like to have a father, a real one. Matt was great, and he made sure us four girls were taken care of. But as I watched the Smurfs, I began to realize, Matt acts as a father, but he is just a kid himself. In other episodes we watched, Papa Smurf was always giving advice to the other Smurfs, he looked after them, tried to keep them safe from Gargamel. I started to secretly wander, where was our father? Where was our Papa Smurf?

After a while, our mother came back in and the worker and cops said their goodbyes. It looked as if we were going to be okay. Mother closed the door and asked Matt and I to follow her. So we did, and we were led by her to her room. She then closed the door and said we did a good job. Then told us it was time to take the needles out. FINALY was all I could think. After she removed them, we had bruises that were black a blue. They hurt to the touch. She had trouble getting them out because they had gone deeper than she put them. We had open cuts from her having to use a razor blade to cut them out. It hurt so bad and I hoped we never had to do that again.

She cleaned us up and put bandages on us. After that, I asked her, "Mommy, who my Daddy? And Where is he?".

End Part Two

Look For my Next segment, The Beginning Part Three next week