The Beginning of My Life

nd th afave been thI am starting a new chapter in my life wanting to share what I have been through. I have taught myself everything up until now being on my own since the age of 15. I have endured so much being so young, coming across so many people with the wrong judgment of you, and the worst part is when your family is so judgmental you tend to set things straight when they find out what you have been through. Not believing you because remind you when you have help, it is totally different. When you are actually alone, back up against the wall, learning, it is the hardest thing you can go through mentally, and physically. Being you and people take an advantage of you because they know you are alone. I have been robbed by people i loved, loved, did not know, and knew but never k ew why it happened. I am suffering for just trying to even make something of my own, but when I get where I am trying to go, a simple life then I will always keep it and be happy. Maybe one day, I will have a future to grow on. People seem to change when they see you want better, seeing you struggle and realizing they really wanted nothing to do with you. Being there for others helping them achieve something just to never see you again. Or when they see you they act as if you are not the one in need. Looking, laughing, name-calling just the things that seem to really be unnecessary. Love seeing you alone, depressed, angry, frustrated. People who love you do not do things like this. I have had friends lost because of the relationships with family. Now, because of my childhood, what I been through, and where, and how I had grown up, this is what people thought of me. This living condition was not on me, I was the child this is what made me runaway at the age of 15. I was tired of a title I did not possess. I wanted my education so bad. I knew this was something I was going to need to live the life I wanted. I started failing and trying on my own because of the age barrier this prevented me from a lot of things I wanted a child. I was on the streets, living with a cousin who I thought would help and love me. I was being used then not knowing. I helped this cousin even years later, get a home they have today. It should have been me. Feeling sorry for the child that I didn't have, but who I loved because she was family I helped. I can't even call her for a ride to the store without giving $10-$15 in gas money. I have not been invited to the home still 2 years later, that I also helped her with. I thought having a boyfriend would keep me company, I was looking for love. But I look up just to be alone, and sick walking to and from work. Sleeping outside waiting on a check to come. He was never anywhere to be found. As if he was watching me because when I was able to finally pay for my room, he knocked on my door. The feelings I had, I was just hurting because I knew he did not love me. But he kept me company. He wouldn't even hold me, I figured he needed a place to stay it was obvious after a while. Working wondering why I could not keep money, going to look for it, and remembering it was only one person in my room, my "boyfriend". He would sit there and watch me cry, he didn't want anything but what I could offer. He was one of the reasons someone kicked my door n, shot my apartment up, stole my belongings. On my second day moving into my apartment, my microwave was stolen and he was the first to know and see my apartment. I lost everything and tried everything I could to do or figure out what I needed to do. To know these types of people stick around for what, knowing you are yearning for something you have always wanted love. Money does not buy happiness, you can spend all you want on someone but when it gets hard no one is there for you. You are lonely and lost. Being like this affects how you interact with people, the way you work, and will have you going in circles although everything you do is because of yourself. When I say I did not look to anyone for things that I have needed, and I worked for my motels, foods, clothing. People look at you laughing because they don't believe it just by how young you are. That is heartbreaking. I just stayed to myself for years, just to have a grown boy come around and use me when his mother put him out, or whoever. The days I have been through I think about the way I was treated, I think about it every day. I may need counseling for emotional support, but I have also realized that maybe this is something I needed to go through. To show me how ugly this world can be. What people think of young girls like me, just by how they look. The way a man can look at you, thinking you are desperate for any type of attention. I am pretty sure if I would have slept with any of those men, something would have happened. I was alone and young. I have been profiled by the police they thought I was prostituting. When the motel manager says "No, she is a good resident and keeps to herself" it shows a lot about the system. Being stereotyped because of the area you are in, and they can stop and see you are on your way to work. I fought with my mother for years, not knowing why she was always upset with me. Being told it was my fault because she was 8 months pregnant walking the stage, and how she should have cut me out her stomach is something I will never forget. A child does not ask to be in this world, especially one that is unwanted. I wanted to play sports, be in musicals but she never showed up. I tried to show her my good grades, she didn't care. I was stuck in a situation I could not get out of. I wanted to be with friends, go out and just have fun, but instead being forced to watch and basically raise your siblings is very hard on a child themselves. My youngest brother called me mom for the longest. I know that is something else she hates me for. I tried to even teach him I was his older sister. I would cry, but he didn't know any better. Having someone who is supposed to guide and love you put their hands on you constantly just for wanting to be pretty, or just go out and talk to the other girls. I was restricted from all communications.