The adopted child

I was born. I don’t know if she held me or just passed me off to the midwives straight away.

I don’t know if she named me or if the agency came up with it.

There are a whole heap of ‘I don’t knows’.

The funny thing is, I never even thought about her growing up. I never thought about whether I have siblings or if she ever told my father about me.

I would get agitated talking about it. Friends would ask me if I wanted to find them and I would give them a one worded sentence. No.

I didn’t want to know anything about the woman who gave me life. That’s all she did. She gave birth to me and a married couple on the otherside of the world did everything else.

I was one of the lucky ones. I had a great family. They loved me unconditionally. They gave me everything I wanted and even more.

When I was 16, I did start to think about her. I did some enquires and I was told I wouldn’t have any chance in finding her. South Korea was a very proud country and had destroyed all documentation.

I lived the next 18 years not thinking about her again. I had made peace with the idea that I wouldn’t get to know anything about her.

Then I had my son.

I never knew you could love something so quickly. I never knew the love could grow more every day. The thought of ever losing him made my heart break.

How did giving me up make her feel? Has she ever gotten over it? Did she want to keep me? Does she still think about me? Did her family even know about me?

Thanks to some wonderful adoptees, they have fought for our right to find out about our past. It turns out we are able to find out about our birth parents.

So I decided it’s time. If I leave it any later she might be dead. I might miss my chance.

The hardest part was asking my parents for my documents. I needed to know her name. I needed to know everything to make the search easier. I didn’t want them to think if I was to find her that I would want her to be my mum. It’s the last thing I would want. They raised me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

I submitted the relevant documents and was assigned a case worker. She sent me some more paper work for me to fill out and to send on to the adoption agency.

6 months later, I finally filled out the forms. I kept putting it off. I did forget but I don’t know if it was intentional or not. I feel like it was. I am a little scared of what is to come.

It has now been 6 weeks and I haven’t heard anything. I keep thinking about it though. I’ve asked around and some people got a quick response and some did not. There is no pattern as to when to expect an answer.

If they find her, will she want to speak to me? Will I want to speak to her?

To be honest, the only thing I really want to know and I have never admitted to anyone is…

Does she still think about me?

To be continued…