My China Plate

My dad is daggy, he’s funny and he’s also embarrassing. He is loving and caring but he’s also my best mate.

However, don’t ever let him run over your foot with his car, otherwise he will ask you ‘is your foot tyred?’ While you are jumping around on the other foot in pain.

Speaking of cars, we were on holidays when I was 15 years old. My mum decided to do a bit of shopping to the point of we needed to buy a new suitcase for the trip home. Dad asked me to call reception to ask for our car to be brought up, even though we had handed the keys back into the hire company which was also on sight. They told us ‘no problems, your car will be out the front waiting’.

We get down to the driveway, the keys are in it and we’re off to the closest shopping centre.

While we’re driving, I discover a drink down in the footwell. I ask dad ‘is this yours?’

He replied ‘no, I don’t know who had that’. I shrugged it off and put it back.

I’m looking around the car and something seems off. There’s a tag referring to a certain part of the car that wasn’t there before and some other odd items that didn’t belong to us.

‘Dad, check the keys, what do they say on the tag?’

He looks down and says ‘Smith. Room 414.’

‘Uh dad, THIS ISN’T OUR CAR!’

Dad looks at me and shrugs

‘DAD TURN AROUND!! WE’VE STOLEN SOMEONES CAR!’

He laughs and says ‘well we’re nearly there. We will only be 5 minutes and we’ll take it back’

I’m 15 years old and I am now an accessory to grand theft auto. My dad is going to get me thrown into jail. What a way to end this holiday.

We go inside to buy the suitcase, all while I’m freaking out, looking over my shoulder, expecting to find the special operations group closing in on us.

We get back into the car and I’m playing all the scenarios in my head. How many police will be waiting for us at the hotel? Will I have to exit the car with my hands above my head? Will they have guns pointing at us? What will mum say?

We pull into the driveway. There are no police and there are no frantic people looking for their car. We park it, leave the keys in it, take the suitcase out and walk away like nothing has happened. The job is done.

He is also the dad that loves to use old Aussie rhyming slang.

Aussie rhyming slang are words that have no relevance to the word that you are wanting to use. ‘Pass the dead horse’ means ‘pass the tomato sauce’ or ‘I’m heading down the frog and road’ means ‘I’m heading down the road. Rubbidy Dub is pub and Trouble & Strife is wife.

I’d ask dad if he had seen something of mine at home and he would tell me he would have a Captain Hook…

He would also decide to tell you a story which would sound like this:

So this Charlie Wheeler (Sheila) was Darby Joan (alone) and so she went down to the Rubbidy Dub (pub) and ordered a Pigs Ear (beer). She was talking to her China Plate (mate) and they decided to have dinner. At the end they asked for the Gregory Peck (cheque) but instead they did a Harry Holt (bolt) down the Frog and Toad (road) running from the Charlie Hoppers (coppers).

I recently had to explain to my sons school that when he said his grandad took him down to the Rubbidy dub for a pigs ear, he went to the local pub for a ginger beer.

Now my 4 year old son is trying to decode me when I’m telling him to stop telling Porky Pies.

But that’s what makes my dad different. He has a sense of humour like no other. He is a real Aussie bloke who got expelled from school for being an bookie (bookmaker) during lunch time.

Most of his stories are exaggerated, I mean, did he really wrestle a croc while playing golf? Or did he just move a gecko to another spot so he could tee off. Who knows?

What I do know though, he is my dad and he is my best China Plate.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.