The beginning -

the beginning -

so my grandma is the woman who has inspired me to do great things. She is my bestfriend whom I tell all my problems to, what I did wrong, my goals, my thoughts/feelings, basically everything. So let me just start on tell you about her. She’s the sweets and kind hearted lady you’ll ever meet. She’s loves everyone and trys to help out everyone as much as she can even if she doesn’t know them at all. She’s the best listener, even if she has other opinions she’ll always listen. She has picked me up when I was going through hard times, when I wanted to end it all. She taught me how to keep my head up above the clouds, reach for my goals even if I feel as if they were too hard to get too. She has lifted my spirits and others in time of sadness. She is the strongest woman, she has stepped in front of guns, been threatened, had her cars set on fire, shot at, and still stayed kind and gave money to people even if she didn’t have it, fed my friends and took them in because they didn’t have food or anywhere to stay. She’s my superhero I’ve never seen someone so empowering her mind is beautiful as she is. She never judges me, tells me the truth, she’s my mom even if she didn’t give birth to me. She’s helped me through so much even when my mom kicked me out, let her boyfriend talk shit to me, abuse and damage me emotionally. She was right there to the rescue to help me telling me to day the good days with the bad. It’s only a bad day not a bad life, just take it day by day it’ll get better and it has because she was there loving me. Even if she couldn’t be there I could call her and rant to her telling her how I’m feeling, the best listener who keeps my secrets, the one I trust the most. I probably wouldn’t be here without her, she makes me laugh, such a goofy lady, always smiling and laughing. Going out her way to help and inspire others. She’s a lady who works for a school deals with kids who are so rude to her, helps them out, keeps them out of trouble and gives the most chances to everyone after doing her wrong. So to me she’s the woman that imspires me that through it all, the ups and downs, the good and bad days, all the crappy things that happen in life, to always stay happy and positive and good things will come in time.

I remember the way she rolled her hair into a perfect low bun ready for the days work. I remember her slightly coarse and callused hand as we walked together. I remember the lines on her forehead when she was cross or upset because I didn’t come back home in time for lunch. These are my memories, senses and lingering moments of the woman who continues to inspire me everyday.

Death in dreams is said to be a symbol that something in your life is changing or ending. Or is it? Or is it our subconscious missing our loved ones and we are crying out that we miss them? Symbols in dreams is one of those unexplained mysteries in life that only us our selves can answer. We all go though our personal experiences and dream about family members, friends, places that we used to visit when we are children and unusual bizarre fantasy worlds made up in our heads. The dream world is a fantastic place to be. Facing dead people in our dreams opens up a whole new world and lets us visit our old friends and familes, we know that they are happy and laid to rest.

For many weeks I have been struggling with a poem, about my gran. The most amazing woman I know. Unfortunately, she is now a shell of the woman she was. Dementia has eaten everything that was her, away.

"You know I like my Chicken Fried. And cold beer on a Friday night. A pair of jeans that fit just right. And the radio on." Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band.

“Yes, I’ve always wanted to learn German. I think I may pick up some books when we’re back at home,” my grandmother—Memo—pondered this resolution as she looked at me with a wry smile.

It was in August before my junior year started in high school. My mother got a call from my Aunt that said " Grandma has collapsed from a stroke" I was in utter disbelief. Denial even. I kept saying to myself " Oh, she's fine! I highly doubt a stroke would take her down!" My mother immediately left the house to the hospital. I slept peacefully that night thinking that she is perfectly fine. The next day my sisters and I went to the hospital to visit her. walking into her room slowed time. Everything felt unrealistic, I see my aunt standing next to a hospital bed. Next I see my grandma, laying down eyes barely open until she sees us all. She awe's I expected to hear her voice tell us that shes perfectly fine. Nothing, she only awe's and looks at us with her eyes wide open. She can't speak nor move anything besides her left arm. Devastated I fake being strong for my family, hoping that no emotion gives my family support. That night that I came home crying silently I noticed one of my favorite musicians SYML came out with a new song. "Meant To Stay Hid" is a personal song about loss. Its that tangible and uncomfortable whole-body feeling that someone is gone. It's the reality that our memory of them will fade and change. But it's also the beautiful, yet unreasonable, hope that we will see them again" SYML says in the end of his lyric video of the song. I knew right then and there my grandma was lost. She will never return to the strong adventurous woman that was, with me on my day of birth. Day after day during school I would visit her in the hospital or in rehabilitation/ nursery home for elders. I would listen to the song every time we approached where she was staying. My family realized we had to clean out her home and take whatever we wanted and give away the place I basically grew up in, without her there to greet me and hug me whenever I would walk in her home. Finding notes and papers that were meant to stay hid from my eyes. millions of pictures of my dead father in what was his room. I and my mother mainly cleaned the house out having our laughs and cries at what she kept. For seven months I missed school on and off to visit her and cleaning out her house. I fell in a deep depression and failed many of my classes. She was an empty shell of someone I dearly loved. She cried non stop at times while I was there. In a diaper that had to be changed by the nurses ever so often. The day that my grandmother passed I visited her one last time. Held her hand saying my goodbyes and how much I love her even though she was barely responsive. That day she didn't open her eyes at all but only at me once. Her crystal blue eyes softly looked at me before closing forever. My grandmother lived for seven months only hearing her say " hi" and "yeah" to me once in all those days. We had a beautiful celebration of life for her at her favorite gardens in The Morton Arboretum. I made every flower arrangements for her with her favorite flowers. Hoping it would makeup for the times I didn't spend with her while she was well. Meant To Stay Hid put all my emotions and thoughts in my head in the most beautiful way possible. Everyday I wish I could see her face once more and hear her voice again.

Sometimes leaving behind your routine and exploring the world is the catharsis you need to heal.

Tea time!