Suicide Gone Wrong

Realizing the local police were not going to do anything about the child pornography I had turned in, I next turned to the Department of Internal Affairs at the sheriff's office. I explained to them what I had found and that my ex was claiming I set him up, but that I didn't set him up, and I was genuinely concerned for my children's safety.

They agreed to look into it, and within a month, they were arresting my ex, confiscating his electronic devices, and placing my children with my ex's mother until I could get to court. I hired an attorney and proceeded with many court hearings, each time being denied because my ex had still yet to be "convicted" of this crime.

The police had recovered several devices containing not only child pornography, but also video voyeurism, and they offered him a plea deal, to accept the video voyeurism charges, to register as a sex offender for 15 years, and to be on probation for three years with suspended hard labor. He took the plea and was never charged with child pornography, so the judge opted to leave the children in his possession stating, "He was not convicted for crimes against children."

At this point, I began drinking more heavily and no longer cared about my future. My family still didn't want much to do with me, and the only friend I had, who I was currently living with, was just as much a drinker as I, so we basically just drank ourselves to sleep every night.

Four years later, I finally married my friend (who had now become my best friend and the only person I could count on). He had been through a lot in his life as well, and it seemed he was the only one I could trust. My trust had unraveled over the last couple years, and I no longer had a desire to have any friends because of some of the things having occurred previously in my life.

After losing everything, I realized my drinking had come to a point where I needed to just put it down and walk away. I had hurt a lot of people over the years, including some of my own family, because I was angry at the world. Life just didn't seem fair, and I took it out on everyone around me. When I finally had maintained a little bit of a relationship with my parents, I ruined it by being ugly, and it was all out of anger. I had blamed my mother for the reason my ex got custody in the first place, since of course she was the one who urged me to write a letter to the judge stating I would give them back to my ex if he would get help.

I quit drinking for a few months, and during this time, I apologized to my family and finally started maintaining a relationship with my siblings again. But it wasn't long before I started questioning their loyalty (again) and I became paranoid about losing my family (again).

My sister just quit answering my telephone calls, and I hadn't heard from her in a few weeks, so I called her ex (who she had just separated from recently). I figured if she was angry with me about something, she would have told him, so I asked him if he knew why she wasn't answering my phone calls.

He told me, "She doesn't have a problem with you at all, so I have no clue. I know she has a problem with your younger brother, though, but definitely not with you." Confused and curious, I asked him why she had a problem with my brother and he proceeded to tell me that she claimed my brother sexually abused her when she was in her teens.

My emotions were everywhere at this point. I began thinking about everything in the past, wondering if he could do such a thing, thinking maybe this was why my sister had tried to kill herself just a few years prior, wondering if this is why she cut her thighs for a year when she was 17. I was convinced, though, that everything my brother ever did (trying to watch me get dressed after showers, peeking under the bathroom door while I showered, showing my sister and I that he could get an erection, etc,) was not indicative of something more heinous. He could never do such a thing. Or could he?

My mind raced for almost two weeks. I discussed this with my third husband several times, wondering if I should just let it go or confront it. I didn't want to lose my family again, but if my brother did something like this, he needed to settle it with my sister. The more I thought about it and talked about it with my husband, the more I remembered about the past.

A few years prior, another one of my sister's ex's had explained the same thing, that my sister had been sexually abused, but he had stated it was by a family member and didn't specify which family member. I had dismissed the statement back then because I knew that no one in my family would do such a thing, and the particular person accusing my sister of saying this was not a good person to begin with, so I figured he was just trying to start problems in the family after she had broken up with him.

But then I remembered seeing a chat my sister had with one of my guy friends from a few years prior, wherein she had also stated to him she had been sexually abused in the past. At the time I had seen the conversation between my sister and a friend of mine, I thought it was referring to a relationship she had with a female when she was a teenager because she had made many statements to me about this particular female that were quite disturbing.

So now, remembering the conversation wherein my sister specifically stated she had been sexually abused, then her ex stated she said it was a family member, and now her other ex stating she claimed my brother sexually abused her, I was becoming more and more frustrated toward my brother, wondering if it could be true. After everything that had happened in the past, my sister trying to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills, cutting her thighs for almost a year, having severe anger problems and mood swings, maybe she was the victim here.

After two weeks, I finally decided to confront my brother. If it were not true and my sister were seeking attention, my brother would have nothing to worry about, but if it were true, he needed to address it so she could move on with her life. My heart was torn, but I had to make the call to my brother to let him know what was going on.

The first thing my brother wanted to know was who told me that my sister claimed such a thing. He wasn't so much conerned with the fact that it was being said, but more so rather who all said it. I refused to tell him, explaining that if he did something like this, he needed to address it with my sister. He just kept pushing for me to tell him who said it.

Eventually, my third husband took the phone and explained to my brother who all had said it. My brother hung up with my husband, and within two hours, my siblings had blocked me on all social media accounts, and my parents were once again not speaking to me.

Not long after this, I got an email from my attorney telling me court had been rescheduled due to the fact that my son was in ICU undergoing chemotherapy for myelogenous leukemia. Then, within a week after that, my gynecologist informed me that I too had cancer and I needed to undergo a hysterectomy immediately before it started to spread.

No family again, my children being kept away from me, my son possibly going to die, and now having found out that I had a miscarriage, underwent a uterine scraping, and then, that I too have cancer, I began drinking heavily once again. I no longer cared about my future, and I just wanted to die.