Suicide Gone Wrong

At age 18, I ended up marrying the one whom my parents didn't approve of me seeing, the one who took my virginity when I was 15. In the beginning, our marriage was good, but when I got pregnant, he began looking at pornography and not wanting anything to do with me in the bedroom. I grew increasingly jealous, hating pornography for the effect it had already had on my life.

My first husband and I had two children together, but we were both unhappy. Apparently, he wasn't attracted to me as he used to be, and I was growing more out of love with him with each passing day. He had joined the military and had been in Iraq for over a year, and when he returned home, things just got worse. He wasn't the same man he used to be.

He became physically abusive towards me, but I stayed with him because I didn't want my children to grow up in a broken home. I stayed for seven and a half years, until he choked our son one night out of anger. I packed my belongings and left with my children to another state. This was another huge mistake I made, because it wasn't long before I was being served with court documents stating that I had "kidnapped" my children and didn't have written consent and that if I didn't return them, I would be charged with kidnapping.

I wrote a letter to the judge (upon my mother's urging) stating that yes, I had taken the children, giving reasons as to why, and also stating that I would return the children if my husband would seek mental help because of his anger and physical abuse.

The judge took one paragraph from this letter (stating that I would sign the children over to my husband but only if he sought counseling) and he granted custody of our children to my husband. We were soon divorced and he began using the children as leverage to try to get me to come back home.

When I decided to move on with my life, and just continue fighting for custody of my children, my ex decided he would keep them away from me to punish me for not going back to him.

I did move on with my life, soon befriending a man, and shortly after growing strong feelings for him. He had a daughter, and because I had lost my children and wasn't being allowed to see them, she had become my safe haven. I have to admit, in a sense I was replacing my children with her because I missed them so dearly. I agreed to marry my second husband a year later, but I always knew it was because of his daughter that I had agreed and not necessarily because I was in love with him.

I had become an alcoholic by this time, fighting for my children constantly and always being denied because I "gave them away". I cried myself to sleep almost every night, wondering if my life were ever going to get any easier.

Finally, the judge offered that if I move back to the state where my children were located that he saw no reason as to why I wouldn't be allowed joint custody of my children. I begged my second husband to move back with me, but he denied my request, using his daughter as the reason why we couldn't move. I contacted his attorney, since I knew he had full custody and his daughter's mother had no rights to her. My second husband's attorney stated he could take his daughter wherever he so chooses, since the mother had all of her rights revoked.

When I confronted my second husband about this, he became angry and we no longer were seeing eye to eye. He began drinking heavier than I, and at this point, I decided my children were far more important than he and his daughter, so I moved back to the state (by myself) where my children were located.

In and out of court for months, the judge kept requesting drug testing (which I passed), psychological evaluations (which I passed), custody evaluations (which stated there was no reason as to why I couldn't have joint custody). Tired of fighting, I agreed to move back in with my first husband to try and make it work.

Things were okay at first, but I had agreed to "make it work" and began sleeping with my first husband again. It seemed as long as I gave him what he wanted, things were fine. That is, until I found an MP3 player and was curious as to what was on it (I had been told a year prior by my first husband's girlfriend that he still had vulgar photos of me from when we were married - this is one of the reasons she broke up with him. I was a bit confused because I had never let him take any photos of me while we were married. I had taken a few of myself to send him while he was in Iraq, but according to his girlfriend, these were quite disturbing and I had never taken any photo that vulgar).

My children were going to stay the night at their grandmother's house one night, and while my first husband was bringing them to her house, I tried plugging the MP3 player into his laptop but since he had a password, I was unable to view the MP3 player's contents. I then realized I might be able to access the contents using his Xbox, so I proceeded to plug it up and turn the Xbox on.

It wasn't long before I realized that there wasn't just music on this device, but also child pornography. I only saw the first two or three photographs (and to this day, only one photo sticks out in my mind). I immediately unplugged the device and returned it to its location, not wanting him to walk in and realize I was going through his belongings.

I sat quietly for about 30 minutes on the couch, not knowing what to do. I contemplated contacting the police, but at the same time, I wanted answers. I wanted to know why he had done this. Part of me wanted to go through all of it to make sure my children were not on the device, but the other part of me was scared to find out. I had to confront him before contacting the police. I needed to know why.

He arrived home within the hour, and I wasn't quite sure how to approach it. He had been physically abusive toward me in the past, so I wanted to be delicate in my approach, but also demanding an answer as to how or why he would do something like this.

I told him we needed to talk, and then it seemed like half an hour passed before I just came out with it. I simply just asked him why he had child pornography and how he could do something like that. When he just sat there and didn't answer, I became angry. I just wanted to know why.

My anger eventually got the best of me, and I finally told him that he was disgusting. He stood from the chair and proceeded to his bedroom, retrieving a glock (handgun) he had in the top of his closet. He brought it to me and shoved it in my face, with the barrel facing towards himself, stating, "Just shoot me if I'm so disgusting."

All I could do was just stand up and walk away. I slept in my children's room that night, wishing I had viewed all the photos on the MP3 player, and wondering if there were photos of my children present on the device. I was sick to my stomach and knew what I had to do, but I no longer had anywhere to go. My parents were angry at me for leaving my second husband and "betraying" my step-daughter. My siblings were siding with my parents, and most of my friends were in other states. I had no vehicle, no family that lived close, and no one to call except the police.

The next morning, when my ex left the apartment, I proceeded to contact the police. They brought me to a women's shelter and said they would investigate my ex. Little did I know, my ex was friends with the chief of police. He had somehow convinced the police department that I had "set him up" because I was "trying to get custody of the children". The chief of police told me to "go back where you came from". I begged them to look further into it, claiming if they thought I set him up, then they should file charges against me. Interestingly enough, nothing came of the situation and they dismissed the investigation completely.

My life soon became a living hell. I would no longer see my children, my family was still angry with me, and all my friends were in other states. I just wanted to die.