Suicide Gone Wrong

I grew up the second child out of four; one brother four years older than myself, and a younger brother and sister. We came from an unbroken Christian household, with a working father and a stay-at-home mother. Most would say this is a blessing in disguise, but I would beg to differ. My life has been somewhat of a mistake from the beginning.

Around the age of 15, still a virgin and not really knowing much about the birds and the bees, I made a huge mistake. My father had shown us all a picture which had been taken of him and Bill Clinton when he had made a trip to Washington DC just a few weeks prior. He had taken the photo out of his briefcase, showed the photo to my siblings and I, and then he placed the photo back into his briefcase.

A couple weeks later, my best friend, Jennifer, stayed the night and my parents went grocery shopping, leaving me to care for my younger siblings (ages 11 and 9 at the time). That evening, while my parents were away at the grocery store, I was telling Jennifer about the photo, and she didn't believe me that my father had met Bill Clinton, so I proceeded to look for my father's briefcase to prove to her I had been telling the truth.

My little brother and sister were like ticks; everywhere I went, they followed, aggravating me constantly. This particular day, they backed me up, claiming they too had seen the photo so we were going to prove it to Jennifer, that my father had actually met Bill Clinton.

I found the briefcase in my parents' room. We all sat on the bed, and I opened the briefcase, going through a couple things in the open part. When I didn't locate the photo in the opened part, I opened a pouch that had been stuffed in the back of the briefcase. I began pulling magazines out of the pouch, setting them on the bed one at a time. There were several pornography magazines, and at the bottom of the pouch, a couple of sex toys (which, as I said, I was a virgin, so at the time I really didn't know what to make of it).

We all began thumbing through the pages of the magazines. Being immature, we laughed at what we were seeing, and then I realized my mother and father would be home soon, so I proceeded to put everything just how I had found it and we exited their bedroom. I do not remember ever going through my parents' belongings after this. I was a bit ashamed at first, but then became curious about sex and what it was. Not long after this, I started my period and then lost my virginity.

My brother, being around the age of 11 at the time, I imagine was becoming curious about himself. It wasn't long before I started catching him spying on me. We had bedrooms that were right next to each other, each containing a closet that were adjacent to one another. In the top of the closets, there was a crawl space so one could crawl from the top of one closet to the other closet. The closets didn't have doors on them, and they were an eye sore, so when we had moved into that house, we had placed a blanket to hang in front of them.

The first time I had caught my brother, I had just gotten out of the shower and proceeded to my bedroom in just a towel. This was a normal thing. I always showered and went to my bedroom to get dressed. I had already dropped my towel and was looking for clothes in my dresser when I heard something in my closet. It was my brother, peering through the blanket, trying to watch me get dressed.

I didn't tell my parents about this the first time, because in a sense I was blackmailing my younger siblings. They knew that I had been seeing a guy that my parents didn't approve of, so I told my brother I wouldn't tattle but not to do it again. I caught him in my closet a couple more times, and I finally did tell my parents, who did nothing about it except scold him and tell him not to do it again (which didn't work), so I started bringing my clothes to the bathroom to change when I would take a shower.

I then caught him twice peering under the bathroom door, but I never said anything to my parents. I just began placing my dirty clothes near the bottom of the door so no one could look in. (Many years later, he started claiming my older brother's wife would peer at him under the bathroom door, and of course, I knew the reason he was saying this was guilt from what he had done as a child). Nevertheless, I kept it to myself and just made adjustments to my lifestyle because he was young and curious.

Several months went by, and nothing was ever said about the pornography we had found, so I assumed my parents knew nothing about it, and I was too ashamed really to bring it up around my siblings. It was just weird that we had all found it in the first place, and I certainly was not ready to see something like that, so I imagined my siblings were far too young to understand it.

My sister and I shared a bedroom, and on the weekends, my brother would want to stay in our room and we let him on several occassions. One particular occassion (months after finding my father's pornography), my little brother stayed in our room and was sleeping on the bottom bunk. My sister had a bed next to mine and the bunk bed was arranged sideways at the foot of both mine and my sister's bed.

We were supposed to be going to sleep, but as usual, the three of us cut up for several hours, talking and joking around as we customarily did before bedtime. The lights were out, so all we could see of each other were silhouettes.

Just before going to sleep, my brother said, "I have to show you something. Look what happens." I was confused, but could see just his shadow. He was lying on his back with one leg bent and the other straight; his head was slightly off the pillow and I could see the shadow of his arms toward his pelvic area.

I asked him, "What are you doing?" He proceeded to tell me that it "got hard" whenever he messed with it. When I realized what he was doing, I'm not exactly sure what I said, but I know I told him to stop and we all went to bed soon after this. Nothing was ever mentioned of this again, until I was an adult. You will later understand why my life became meaningless.

Anyway, not long after this, I stumbled upon my sister's diary, wherein I read that she had been putting tampons in her butt. I did tell my mother about this, because I knew the dangers of tampons since I had started my period and I understood it could possibly hurt her. I do not know whether my mother ever addressed the situation or not, but it too was never brought up again.

Then, at the age of 17, I met a guy who I was head over heels for. I had asked my sister to take some provocative photos of me on a throw-away camera I had purchased at Walmart. (I had bottoms on but no top, with a blanket wrapped around me where you could only see part of my leg and the center of my chest).

I did have the film developed, and as you may know, Walmart wouldn't have developed the film if in fact any sexual body organ was visible. Keep this in mind if you decide to listen to my entire story. Nevertheless, when I moved out at age 17 (my parents were angry with me for dropping out of high school, which is another story in and of itself), apparently I left the film negatives there, which my parents later found.

This provocative photo of myself ultimately is what sealed my fate later in life, at the age of 36. All because we stumbled upon pornography, my entire life would soon be a huge mistake, one that was not worth living.