Special Item

It cannot be real. It cannot be real that she is gone. Sitting in the lawyer’s office today was not real. There is no way that a such a radiant woman who has been a part of my whole life is just gone. How do I go about the rest of my life without being able to talk to her? Granny has always been there when I have needed advice, tough love, or a laugh. All I have left of her is the house she lived in and this little black notebook that she used to carry around. Since the lawyer handed this warn book to me, I have felt the weight of impending reality. People talk about grief as this thing that takes over your life. Those who have dealt with grief know that it is a hidden code word. The code word that encompasses how much it hurts to miss someone.

The last time I spoke to Granny she wasn’t feeling well but I was too preoccupied with my new job to stop and listen. What would have happened if I lingered on that last call and focused on what she had said? Rationally, I know now that she had been sick for a while and didn’t tell anyone. I know that it is my guilt telling me that I should have realized she was not herself. Regardless of all the facts I wish I would have spent the phone call memorizing the sound of her voice. I’m afraid that I will wake up one day and realize I have forgotten what she used to sound like. That I have forgotten how she smelled, how she smiled or even how she always knew the right moment to give you a hug.

At least I won’t forget what her handwriting looked like. I hope this black book is filled with something meaningful and is not just another one of her financial balancing notebooks. Since I started doing math in school, I realized that Granny had a different way of doing things. She kept different lists around the house for what she called her “walking budget”. She always had to call the bank in order to know the exact amount of money she actually had. This had always confused me but Granny in all of her long life had never missed a payment. I know that once I open this book, I will have my answer as to why she specifically left it to me but I have not yet found the courage to open it.

With her funeral over and her will read all that is left is to find and hand out the special items she left for the rest of the family and her friends. Some of my relatives made their opinions known of how ridiculous it is that the youngest grandchild be the one to inherit the house. No matter how loudly they stated the oddity, all I could do was smile. Granny never did things the way most people do or the way people expected her to. I was not in the least bit surprised that her will would be a little on the kooky side.

Granny stated in her will that the one who inherits the house be the one who hands out the special items. Special was one of Granny words that let you know that she loved you. She loved each person in their unique way. Unique is how she expressed her love to each person as well. One of the special items that is to go to my Uncle Jimmy is a blown glass roaster to quote, “remind him to wake up with the sun and be confident. No roaster that has ever lived has been anything but cocky and confident.” Uncle Jimmy turn about 40 shades of red when that line was read by the lawyer but in all my life, I have never seen him leave a room looking so tall.

Walking into Granny’s house for me is stepping into my own memories. Granny took care of me after school and most summer breaks while my parents were working. I had some difficulty relating to my parents when I was a teenager and spent many nights and weekends in this house. At one point Granny stopped calling it the guest room and started calling it my room. I have always felt loved and at home in this house. I never imagined this sanctuary without Granny, though. It seems darker and colder somehow, especially the den. Granny loved to sit in her den chair and tell stories. I found out later that most of the stories she told were rewrites of books that she didn’t like the plot lines to.

Now that I am finally in the den and can see Granny’s chair the time has come to gain some courage and find out why this black book is my special item. As I turn the cover, I am shocked to find a check for $20,000 dollars made out to me with a note in the memo saying, “for the single-lifer”. Granny’s joke that I will be as stubborn as her when it comes to love does not bring me comfort in this moment. I flip to the next page to find a letter:

Dear Bean,

I take it that I have finally kicked the bucket and have joined the Good Lord in heaven. I know Sweet Bean that you have been beating yourself up for not spending more time with me. We never know when our ticket is up. All we can do is love each other in the moments we have and we, Bean, have had some great moments. This book is filled with every one of my favorite moments with you. It is the most wonderful story that I could tell you. The best news is that this is only the first book. The sequels you will write and share with me when I see you next.

Love you my Sweet Bean,

Granny

P.S. Be sure to get all the dust off that old glass roaster before giving it to your Uncle Jimmy. Don’t want him thinking that I don’t encourage showers again.