Soul Mate (Revised)

With an unusually high level of uncertainty she hesitated at the entrance to her father’s office. She looked and saw him working at his desk. He had been typing on his computer when she stopped at the door but now he was reviewing some notes he had on a yellow legal pad. He hadn’t seen her even though sitting at his desk he faced the door. She was in the shadow of the hallway. She was relieved. She felt like backing quietly away before he noticed her.

She couldn’t understand it. She had never had any problems talking to her dad about anything. He had always been very understanding and kind in their talks. It was like he was more of a friend than a dad. However, now, he was more a dad than ever as her nerves were acting up to the point that she almost felt sick. She could not believe how the prospect of talking to him right now made her feel. She had wanted to talk to her mom but she was away for a seminar for a week. It wasn’t that she was afraid of her dad she just felt conversation of this nature would be better with her. But she felt a need to talk about it now but how? After a few moments she thought of a solution to the impasse. She would just back away quietly until the game her nerves were playing on her ended and she would be able to try again in a calmer and with a more collect attitude. If not she could just back away and forget about it.

But as most things go in life as she started to back away slowly, quietly he looked up and saw her. He didn’t just see her. She had been watching him as she started to step back and when he looked up they made eye contact. It locked on to her like a tractor beam and she froze in place. It was if fate demanded that she had this meeting. She would have to try to be brave and follow through on it. It was demanded.

A smile warmed over his face as he saw her in the shadow of the hallway he said, “Hey, Cindy, how are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” she managed to get out in an apprehensive tone.

His smile quickly changed to a look of concern reading his daughter’s expression and tone, “What is wrong dear?”

She didn’t know what to say as she stood in the doorway and watched him rise to his feet and walk over to her. He knelt down so that he was looking at her at her eye’s level. She just stood there.

Reaching out his hand and placing it gently on her shoulder, “What is it? Do you feel okay?”

She took a deep breath and broke eye contact with him looking over to her right in an attempt to regain her composure. He waited and allowed her some time never taking his eyes off of her face.

Finally in a brave effort, “I have a question for you.”

Looking relieved he smiled, “Well, of course, of course.”

He stood up not taking his eyes from hers and turned sideways with his right hand and arm swinging in to the office like a gate swinging open in an inviting motion. Now that she had passed the initial stone she felt much better. Her nerves subsided even more as she understood the concern in her dad.

“Come on in, you know I always have time to talk,” he invited.

She was amazed at how much calmer she felt as she followed his invite and lead. There were two padded chairs in front of his desk and she chose the one furthest from the door. He followed her and opted to sit in the other chair instead of behind his desk. Instead of turning their chairs to face one another they left them in their original positions. Hal liked that. He knew it gave them a chance to look at one another when they wanted and that they did not have to look at one another while giving a chance to look at the beautiful outdoors through the large window behind the desk. Instead of a confrontation she could tell her thoughts to the beautiful outdoors.

He just sat back and looked out the window and didn’t do anything to prod her. Hal gave Cindy all of the room and time she needed. She just sat quietly partially in thought and lost in the view outside the window. It was a great calming effect.

Her nerves had started to act up again and would seem to increase every time she tried to talk about the issue. So, they sat there in silence for what were only a few minutes but to a young girl with nerves going rabid it seemed to be far longer. This just seemed to make matters worse so she decided to use another strategy.

“Sure turned out to be a nice day,” she said finally breaking the silence.

“Yes, I couldn’t get over how warm it got today. I wanted to look up to see if this was a record for February.”

“Did you?”

“No, I got distracted with other things. Actually, I just plain forgot,” he responded with a slight laugh.

Her nerves subsided as she talked about the day. She decided to just keep talking about the day. Her dad just listened carefully.

“Today, Susan told me something which I thought sounded interesting,” she finally prompted the situation to change the discussion to the issue she had.

Her nerves still were holding together. It had felt good to ease her way into this conversation.

“Ah yes, middle school can be very challenging at times. You know, you can talk to me about anything,” prodded her dad as he looked at her and leaned towards her a little, “I will do my best to help you or work with you to find the answers you need.”

She smiled and said, “Thank you.”

“So what was this conundrum which Susan had dropped onto your lap?”

“She was talking about someone she called her soul mate.”

“Interesting, what did she tell you a soul mate was?”

“She said her soul mate was Mike Higgins.”

“Just wondering how old Susan is?”

“Oh, she is the same age as I am.”

“Fourteen, okay, and what did she tell you a soul mate was?” he asked again.

“She just said her soul mate was Mike.”

He smiled a little while nodding his head in recognition of the situation, “But other than identifying Mike as her soul mate she didn’t give you any real understanding of the term and that is what you want to find out about?”

“Yes,” she perked up a bit that she didn’t have to work up the nerve to ask the question.

“Okay, let me ask you, what do you think a soul mate is?”

She took another deep breath and looked out the window as she thought for a few minutes and then offered, “A boyfriend?”

“Some people do see it as synonymous with boyfriend or girlfriend. But I think a soul mate is so much more.”

“Is it the person you have sex with?” she burst into laughter at having said such a thing.

He smiled and shook his head a little, “I think it is far more than that. Do you think Susan is having sex?”

She smiled, “I don’t know.”

“Well, let’s hope not. I think she is far too young to have sex.”

“Is sex bad?”

“Good question and I would have to say yes and no. Sex is a very complicated subject and can be a big issue for those who are too immature for it.”

“When is the right age to have sex?”

“I don’t think it has much to do with age,” he answered with a bit of gravity to his voice, “I believe it has far more to do with your maturity. You need to be mature enough to understand what sex means and how it can impact your life. Sex can change the whole course of your life and you need to understand that and be willing to accept those possible changes in your life before you do it. I will tell you it can and will be a wonderful experience when you share with someone who means a lot to you and you mean the world to them but it can severely change your life’s course especially if done with the wrong person.”

“So a soul mate is the right person to have it with?”

“To be frankly honest as I can be I would have to say yes, of course this person would be the right one. But there is a trick to it.”

She looked a little worried, “What is the trick?”

“Finding your soul mate,” he replied very casually.

She sat in silence for a few moments looking through the window while rummaging through her mind. He could tell she was really searching her thoughts and he gave her the room and the time she needed. He just sat back and enjoyed the forest in the distance through the large windows.

“Why, is it hard to find your soul mate?” she finally asked.

“It can be.”

“Why, it should be easy to find someone like a soul mate?”

“Well, first we should perhaps define what a soul mate is,” he suggested, “Your soul mate would be someone with whom you will feel really comfortable.”

“How do you mean?” she asked still looking at the distant tree line.

“You know how sometimes it is hard for you to start a conversation with some people? You can trust them with your thoughts, your dreams, your hopes, and fears.”

She smiled a youthful smile which lit up her entire face as she thought immediately to what had just transpired at the beginning of this whole conversation. He looked over when he hadn’t had a response and enjoyed her beautiful and radiant smile. It was infectious as he smiled as well and nodded slowly thinking he had an idea what had made her smile as he looked towards the window.

“Yeah, some people are so easy to talk with. Most of them are my friends who are girls but there are several boys with whom I have never had a problem talking.”

“Yes, there are people with whom it is very easy to talk,” responded Hal, “A soul mate will be a person who you find it very easy with whom to talk and share things. They will share many interests with you. This will be a person you can count on to be there for you no matter the situation. They will be a person who understands you; they will understand what is important to you. This person will be the only person in your corner when everyone else has abandoned you…,”

“People will abandon me?” she asked looking kind of hurt.

“Hopefully, it will never happen to you but there are those times when you seem to have nothing going right or you need help. During those times you will find out who your true friends are,” he replied, “I know two of those people who will do their best to never leave you hanging are your mom and I.”

“But you won’t always be around.”

His face went very serious, “I won’t lie. There are many times you will have to do many things on your own but even still your mom and I will be there for you.”

“How?” she asked with a bit of amazement or hopefulness in her voice.

“In all that we have shown and taught you,” he answered, “That is our way of being there for you when we can’t actually be there physically. We teach and show you this so you will be able to handle it when the time or similar times occur.”

“Is a soul mate a person I can count on for help if I need it?”

“Of course,” he smiled, “Not only will they understand you, share your interests, get along well with you, share your concerns, and be there for you, they will be bringing their experiences and lessons into the relationship as well. And, you know what?”

“What?”

“They will also have problems which you will be there for them and possibly be able to help with what you know and have experienced. Together you will learn and grow.”

“So, we are there for one another?”

“Yes, you will be this person’s soul mate as much as they are yours. You will understand this person. You will know what makes this person happy, what their fears and hopes are. You will be there for them willingly.”

“Willingly?” she asked having locked onto that word and turning to face her dad as she asked it.

“Yes, willingly,” he emphasized, “This is a person you would want to do things with and with whom you will want to share your life,” changing his tone a bit, “If you go out on a date with someone and you don’t feel relaxed or comfortable, or if you feel pressured by them to do things with which you don’t feel comfortable chances are you should probably stop seeing that person. You should not be forced to change for this person. Yes, there is always growth but growth is a world of difference from being forced to change to suit someone.”

“But if I’m looking for my soul mate why would I go out with people with whom I feel uncomfortable?”

“Great question,” lauded her father, “As I’ve mentioned the trick to a soul mate is being able to find your soul mate.”

“Why?” she asked looking over at him.

“There are a lot of people who will come into and out of your life. Some will, on first impressions seem like a good idea with whom to take a chance.”

He stopped for a moment and got up and walked over to the window. He was silent and she understood he was thinking of something important and she let him be. Cindy just sat in silence and looked out the window past her father. From experience she knew he would talk when he cleared his thoughts.

Still looking out the window he placed his hands upon his hips, “Thing is, you will run into a lot of people you may think are your soul mate,” he turned to face her, “You will run into people who you might mistake for your soul mate. There are a lot of great salespeople who are great at telling people what they want to hear. They sound like a possible soul mate but usually they are discovered and exposed.”

“But if there is only one soul mate wouldn’t you be able to tell?”

He moved back to his chair and actually turned it to face her. She knew it was important.

“Thing is you will meet a lot of people and for the most part they will be genuine. Even being genuine there are a lot of people who opt for safety.”

“Safety?” she asked quizzically wondering why that would be a bad thing.

“I’m not who I was when I was your age. I had different thoughts and ways of looking at things. I had a lot to learn as you and I still have. I have become the person I am because of my experiences and a major part of that are the people with whom I have had to interact. I have had girlfriends before I met your mom.”

“And she is your soul mate?”

“Absolutely,” he replied without missing a beat as he continued, “But in the maze of going through life with all that goes on and meeting people you get distracted by other people who seem like a good idea at the time. Perhaps they are. After all, they all contributed to who I am today. Some people cling on to the first who pays attention to them. You have to remember while you are looking for someone they are as well. Being alone is scary for many. People have a way of telling each other what they think they would like to hear. Of course some people if they hear or see the right things will cling to the person.”

“I don’t think I understand what you are saying,” she admitted with a serious expression.

“Well, let’s look at your Aunt Ilsa and Uncle Gregory.”

“Okay,” she sat up a little.

“Would you say they have a good relationship from what you have seen?”

“Shaking her head slowly, “No, he is always yelling and making fun of her. He bosses her around all the time. He complains about her a lot.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I would want to be in a relationship like that. He is a bully and she is an enabler. He bosses her around and she tells him what she thinks he wants to hear. But they cling to one another because it is easier than to continue looking for another.”

“Is that true?” she asked, “That is so stupid.”

He shook his head and looked down, “Well, remember when I told you about having sex with the wrong person?”

“Yeah,” she answered.

“They had done that and they ended up with a baby they weren’t prepared for and have since just learned to put up with each other. They go through the motions of two people in a loving relationship but as you said that he bosses her around and she just puts up with him. This is a master servant relationship.”

“Okay, I can understand that.”

“Then there are those who just choose to be with those who tell them what they want to hear. I think that is why Uncle Gregory is with Ilsa. She doesn’t challenge him she just lets him do what he wants and takes his abuse.”

He stopped for a moment and then he faced directly towards her.

“Did you ever notice that Gregory and Ilsa have never changed?”

“What do you mean?”

“Think about your earliest memories of them. Are they any different now than what they were back then?”

She started to shake her head, “Other than being older looking they are exactly the same. In fact they do almost the exact same thing for every birthday party, they do the same things every year and they always act the same around others.”

“So, do you think your mom and I are the same as what we were when you were ten?”

“No, I think we all have changed.”

“Many people like to find themselves in a comfort zone. They look for a partner who is like them or doesn’t challenge them. Ilsa doesn’t challenge Gregory and Gregory has just beaten Ilsa into the submissive and permissive person she is. He didn’t grow and neither did she but he changed her into the woman he wanted. Problem is, if you are never challenged you will never grow.

“I guess the point I am trying to make is that a true soul mate is not only a person with whom you feel really comfortable, share interests, understands and cares about what is important to you but is also a person who will challenge you and help you learn and grow. This will be a person who will help you to become a far better you. Gregory and Ilsa have changed but not to be better people. They are just two people who have come accustomed to each other. They are like two misshaped parts which have been beaten and forced to fit. They just put up with each other and are going through the motions as they run out the clock.

Now, your mom and I were not perfect fits at first but we worked out our rough edges together. I had things to learn about her as she did with me. There are always some adjustments when you are in a relationship. We have been there for one another. We have done our best to look out for one another. We both work together on problems and issues which arise. We have learned much together and that is the key we did it together and have both become better persons.”

“And I will be the same to my soul mate?”

“Yes, you care about each other on such a level you will be willing to go out on a limb and tell them things they may not want to hear but need to hear to help them. You may have to be the strength they need to face obstacles.”

“And my soul mate will do that for me?”

“You both will face many challenges and overcome them together helping each other to grow while those in the comfort zone will just sigh with their mundane same old formulaic lives. Your mom and I have done many amazing and wonderful things together and have conquered many challenges. We both have come a long way and grown much. I seem to remember something that John Lennon said about Yoko Ono that clarified their connection more than anything else. He said something like she inspired me to be me.”

“That sounds amazing.”

“Yes, it is. In the long run you will help each other to become far better persons.”

“But do I really have to go out with all these other people? Can’t I just wait for my soul mate?”

“Who knows, you may be lucky and find that person quickly. But if you don’t find your soul mate right away these other people will help you to become the person you need to be to find your soul mate. In fact, one of these people may be the person for whom you are looking. You may go out and not hit it off but as you both see other people you become the perfect person for one another and run into one another this time better prepared.”

“How do you mean?” she asked looking confused.

“You are this person but because you dated this person you learned about yourself and others that it sends you on a path which leads you to another person and through your experiences with them you adjust your trajectory and this keeps happening. Eventually, both you and your soul mate will be hopefully sent on a collision course which brings you together. But you have to be careful. I think that most people miss or even give up their soul mate for easier answers.”

“What do you mean?” she asked with an even more confused expression as she looked directly at him.

“Remember, in all of this I said that there is a lot of work and effort. It takes a lot to care for another. There is a lot being equal partners. The whole idea of being challenged can seem to be formidable to the weak in spirit…,”

“A person may have their soul mate but because they desire an easier path, easier answers they throw out what could be an amazing life for something that doesn’t require the effort?” she asked interrupting.

He smiled a radiant, proud smile, “Absolutely, too much in our life are pitfalls of tedium because we opt for what appears to be the easiest or least expensive of answers and in the long run they cost us far more than we could ever realize.”

“You can’t grow if you are not challenged,” she said with a smile.

“We all have a major journey to make. We have numerous paths from which to choose. Easy answers are a dime a dozen. You may have had a horrible day and you may think that a quick meal from the drive through of some grease palace is a quick answer and it may. But you do it too often you could have one heck of a health bill to pay in the long run.”

“I know dad, we talked about this a couple times before.”

“I think you will do okay on your journey.”

She sat silently. She appeared calm and just looked out the window. She felt good. He watched her for a few moments and just joined her in the silence.

“I learned a lot today,” she finally broke the silence after about five minutes.

“I think we both did. Just remember when you start dating you can’t learn or grow from someone just telling you what you want to hear or always agreeing with you.”

She got up and went over to her dad and gave him a big hug while saying, “Thank you very much.”

“No problem, that’s why your mom and I are here. Hopefully by the time you get to the point that you are ready to date we have done our job and have done the best to prepare you. We hopefully and prepare you for this wonderful journey of not only learning about the world around you but also of discovering a lot about yourself.”

She smiled and walked out of the office thinking of this journey of hers. He watched her leave. He sat for a few more minutes looking out the window and then decided to get back to work. All her fears seemed to have been washed away.