Victim

He raised his head and looked toward the window as the silence of the room was broken by the distant wail of a firehouse siren. He got up from his chair in the dimly lit room and moved to the window, the only source of light. His breath momentarily steamed the cold glass. He looked out over the snow and ice encased ridge partly hidden by rain and fog just a mile away. His eyes lowered to the various styles of roof tops between the ridge and him.

“Someone needs help out there,” he whispered to himself. He thought as he stared and after a few moments and sighed, “Someone here needs help as well.”

He looked over his right shoulder to the dark doorway leading to the hallway. He sighed as he moved from the window of his den, passed through the doorway, and disappeared into the dark. In the hallway he saw the same dim grey light of the outside coming through the doorway to the bedroom. He stood at the doorway and looked in once he reached it. On one side was a large closet and on the facing wall were three large windows conservatively decorated with curtains and blinds. In the middle was a large bed. After a few moments he moved to the side of the bed and sat facing the windows. He sat silently still listening to the distant plea for help.

When the distant siren ended he turned his body on the edge of the bed to see her reclining figure. She was perfectly still except for the slow rhythmic expansion and contraction of her breaths. He thought as he watched her breathing in a perfectly calm rhythm.

“I know it is hard,” he finally said moving his hand and touching her shoulder gently.

“It is,” she said, “I am so tired of it and have no idea how much more I can take.”

He breathed deeply and slowly and looked over to the windows as he digested what she had said. “What exactly do you mean?”

“It just never seems to end for us,” she complained.

“Life is a verb,” he offered, “It is meant to be lived and this is all part of our life.”

“I know this,” she answered without facing him still in her near fetal position, “Can’t we just get a break for once?”

“We have had many breaks. In fact we probably have had more breaks than many others.”

She didn’t make a sound. She just remained in the same position, her self-imposed prison staring towards the closet. He took a deep breath as he realized the challenge which faced him. He just looked out to the grey day and thought.

He felt like doing something, anything. He thought watching some television or perhaps reading some might help him feel good. But he couldn’t. Sure they might be some simple distraction from everything. It might give him a momentary escape but he just couldn’t.

For most of the relationship he had had to be the strong one. He would have to forge the way with her by his side most of the way. And she was great. He felt she had been a great partner to face the world with him. To go up against all of the challenges thrown in their path, to face and overcome obstacles, to be there for one another through the tough times, to help one another back to their feet when they stumbled, to celebrate and enjoy the rewards of their perseverance together. For the most part she had been a fantastic partner in all of this. He had been able to count on her for that support and belief in him he needed.

But yet, it always seemed to be his task to run back and pull her forward.

“Did you want to get something to eat?”

“I’m not hungry,” she said enveloped in a sigh.

“Why?” he asked sounding a little inpatient.

“Why?” she repeated back to him, “What do you mean why?”

He got up and walked over to the windows, “What do you think I meant by why?

“I’m upset about the thousand dollars we worked so hard to save up and had to lay it out for yet another car repair. I was hoping we could spend it on something.”

“Honey, whether you like it or not things are going to come up. The only way we can avoid repairs for a car is to never own one. Things are going to wear out and fail and then need to be replaced.”

“It would be nice to put it into a new car.”

“Yes, that would be wonderful to buy a newer car but that is no guarantee of anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“How many new cars have you seen broken down along the road or being towed? Sure we may have more odds in our favor but even new cars have troubles. We also have no idea how the owner treated the car. Still all cars will have mechanical failures. To tell you the truth if I could live in a situation where I never needed a car I would be so happy.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“No it isn’t. The entire time I lived in Europe I never needed a car. I saved hundreds a month without repairs, payments, insurance, or other expenses. When I did want a car for a trip to say like Rome or Paris I would just rent one and then return it to the rental place with no worries.”

Still in the same position she called over her shoulder, “Well, that sounds great but at the moment we need a car for jobs and errands.”

“And that is why I chose to have it repaired. I did it so we have a car without the monthly payments of a new car.”

“Yeah, and we are out of the thousand dollars.”

He shook his head and turned to look at her still in the same position.

“We can’t afford the monthly payments of a new car right now which by the way would run into the thousands.”

“But we would have a new car,” she rattled her chains.

“But we wouldn’t have money for anything else,” he pushed in an attempt to give her the key to freedom.

He walked over to the window and looked out towards the distant ridge whose top was still hidden by the low hanging clouds. Everything was still bathed in the grey light.

“I love you,” he offered.

“I love you,” she echoed.

He thought of how happy she was just the day before the breakdown. He thought of how she sat at the table in the kitchen with the late winter sun beaming its warmth down upon the project on which she was working. It was so in contrast with today. She was happy and surrounded by color. She had her radio on listening to music. She was smiling at how her project was shaping up. She was so proud of how it turned out when she showed him. He didn’t fake his enjoyment or admiration of her project. He never did. He always loved to see her projects because of how happy it made her and how she lit up.

“Perhaps if you worked on a project it would help take your mind off of everything?”

“I don’t feel like it.”

In a last ditch gambit he said, “Well, you can stay here and mope around. I’m going to get something to eat.”

Just as he was about to leave when she replied, “It’s easy for you. You just don’t care.”

“It’s not that I don’t care,” he sighed as he stopped and turned just short of reaching the doorway, it’s that you’re a victim. You’re playing the victim.”

He hated this. He hadn’t planned on this. It just sprang from his mouth. He cringed a little while the words fell upon her. Deep inside he knew she needed to hear it.

“I’m not playing a victim,” she replied angrily.

“Yes, yes you are.”

She sat up on the side of the bed and looked right at him as demanded, “How am I playing a victim?”

“You’re feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I think I have a damn good reason to do so. It took some time to save up that thousand dollars.”

“And we can do it again.” Changing his tone a bit, “Yes, things do happen and yes, I do take them seriously. But it has happened and I have had to deal with it. I have done that and so have you but here is the difference.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I have done what I can with what we had available at the moment. Was it the ideal answer? It probably wasn’t, but it is what I could do with what we had at that moment. And, yes, you were there helping me do it. But there is one major difference between you and I is…,”

“What, what is the difference?” she demanded, “I would really like to hear your expertise on us.”

“I hated the fact that I had to shell out the thousand that we had worked so hard to save up. However, we still have several thousand in our safe. If we had saved that thousand and the others before we can do it again.”

“Yeah, sounds real easy. We are starting from the beginning yet again,” she chimed in.

He looked at her and sighed, “Yes, it is disappointing and again, I cannot emphasize how sad it is that we are starting from block one in building up another thousand. It is always miserable having to regain lost ground. Believe me; I am right there with you. But what makes the main difference between how I feel and how you are. The main difference is I know the thousand is gone and we will just have to buckle down and do it again. I am looking for ways to learn from what has happen and use that to make things better this time. I am thinking of the future and we will do it. We will do it better this time and improve. Meanwhile you are just focusing on that thousand that is no longer a question. It is gone and it is over. You are allowing it to anchor you down to that one spot in our lives.”

She didn’t say a word. She just sat on the edge of the bed looking down at the bottom of the closet door.

“All worrying or thinking about that money does is just keeps you stuck spinning in that one spot. When we allow that to happen we are just reliving that horrible moment over and over. It is best to just do what is necessary, learn from the issue, and move on with life. It is just death spinning in that one spot and feeling sorry for yourself…”

“Shut up!” she snapped at him.

He stood there in shock. She has never told him to shut up. He stood there as if frozen looking at her.

“Life is slipping through our fingers,” she started as she stood up and looked at him making eye contact, “Let’s get something to eat and go over what we need to do in the future.”

He just smiled as she took his hand and led him out of the bedroom into the dark hallway.