Sometimes I'm Not There for My Children

I posted a similar article to this a few years ago, but I feel like the topic is still just as relevant. Especially given everything that's happening in the world right now. Parents everywhere are uncertain about the future, and we are trying our best to ensure that our children have everything they need. With the upcoming school year quickly approaching, I started thinking more about all the things I do for my children on a daily basis.

It is extremely important for me to be with my children. As a mother of three - soon to be four - I find it even more important to ensure that I am spending quality time with all of my babies. I try to give them the love and attention they deserve, and I strive for these things as a mother. I want my children to know that they are loved unconditionally no matter what. With that being said, however, I refuse to do everything for them. Now that's not to say that I don't appreciate or understand - and support - the encouragement that comes from parents who are present with their children. It's important to encourage your children. But I am also a full supporter of the fact that parents do not have to be fully attentive every second of the day. The idea that our children require 100% of our undivided attention 100% of the time that we're together with them is unrealistic. I can barely give my students 100% of my attention when I'm in the classroom with them because my brain is thinking of fifty other things I could be doing or that I need to be working on when I'm out of class. I truly think it's time we let mothers (and fathers) know that it's okay for them to take a step away sometimes.

Mothers have always had to multitask. We have a history and a reputation of being in charge of domestic tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and laundry. And in the midst of that chaos, we're expected to find the time to make loving and meaningful connections with our children while simultaneously teaching them the ways of the world. Now, in the 21st century, there are a handful of other things that begin pulling at our attention: payng bills, after-school activities, education, careers, etc. We still have things that require our attention, things that we need to get done, and I find no reason to be ashamed of the fact that sometimes these things pull my attention away from my children.

The start of the semester is just a few short weeks away, and I've found a lot of my attention focused on making sure that I have everything prepared for my students. I've spent countless hours reading my textbook, preparing lecture notes and assignments, and sending an endless stream of e-mails to my students and my co-workers. I have, admittedly, let my kids spend more time in front of a screen than I usually would during any other summer. But that's not to say that I don't spend all my time absent from my children. I continue to take every moment that I can with my children to ensure that we are making memories that will last their entire lives. Even when our lives are in complete chaos and there is no certainty for the future, we are finding ways to laugh and have fun with one another. We play in the backyard, we watch movies together, and we snuggle. The boys and I have begun embarking on daily Bible study lessons when they're at my house, and I take frequent trips to the library with all my kids (while maintainly social distance, of course). We go on walks, and we build robots with Legos. In the moments between the chaos, we are together.

And that, to me, is what being a mother is all about. I know that my children don't need my constant attention 24/7. I know that while the three of them are playing on the floor next to me or down the hall in their bedrooms, I can keep a majority of my attention focused on my laptop screen where a handful of different projects are waiting for me. It's easy to fall into the mental abyss that is feeling like a bad mother because I'm taking time to myself to work on the things I need to do, but I know that my children are going to grow up to be strong and indepenedent individuals who aren't afraid to do what they need to do for themselves. And that thought alone makes me smile.

It took me eight years to learn that my role in the lives of my children is not that of a butler. Or a maid. Or a chauffer (though sometimes it does feel that way). Now, with three kids, my feelings have only been solidified. I don't feel the need to stand around and wait for my children to need me; when they need me, they know exactly where I am, and they know that I will stop what I'm doing to be with them. Always. I also don't want any of my children to grow up thinking that my role in their lives is nothing more than a butler, maid, or chauffer.

The very notion of standing around and simply waiting for my children to need me is... baffling. If my children are playing together, why wouldn't I take that time to work on my own work? I can still smile as I listen and watch them to the silly things they do. I can still appreciate that they're spending time together and building their bonds as siblings. And I can do all that while still being productive for myself.

All of this isn't to say that I don't enjoy spending time with my children. Of course I do! I love being able to relax and spend time with them, allowing the boundaries of my imagination to flex a little bit as our Power Rangers explore the dark depths of the princess castle. But I want them to understand that they don't need to rely on me to have a good time. I want them to learn how to be creative. I want them to learn how to handle boredum. I want them to use their imaginations. I want them to go outside and get drity! They don't need me to stand over their shoulder telling them what to play and how to play (though I do often tell them to be careful and play nicely). By leaving them alone to their own devices sometimes means they have the chance to hone their cooperation skills, their critical thinking skills, and their independence. And it allows them to continuously build and strengthen their bonds with one another.

I think it's important to remember that mothers are seperate people. We have our own feelings, interests, and passions outside of being a mother to our children. Remembering this - and reminding my children of this - is extremely important in helping them learn empathy. I want them to understand that there is more to me than just being their mom. Now, please don't get me wrong. I love being a mom. I really do. I love it. But I want them to know and understand that "mother" isn't my only role in life. I'm a student. I'm a tour guide. I'm a professor. I'm a sister, and I'm a girlfriend. When I'm doing my coursework, my oldest continuously asks me what I'm working on, and I am more than willing to explain it to them. Sometimes I bring my children to campus with me, and they have the chance to see me engaging with my students and participating in active conversations; and sometimes I'm able to get them to join in on the conversations! Sometimes my boys sit on my lap while I'm doing work at home. When I go out with my friends and my significan tother, my children see me engaging with them in a way that I don't engage with them. They see all the different parts of me, and I am perfectly content with that.

My children understand that every second of every day belongs to them. They will always be my biggest priority, but there are other things that require my attention. And they understand that. I don't think eany parent should ever be ashamed of making decisions such as the ones I make, and I don't want to shame any parent for making different decisions than the ones that I make. I think if we give our children the time and attention they deserve when it matters, everything is going to turn out just fine.