Something Could Happen

The end of my 10-year marriage was recently finalized after the mandatory Colorado 91-day “waiting period,” and I was in the middle of an existential moment. What’s defined me for the past decade-plus is, legally speaking, gone. Being a stepfather and never adopting my now ex-wife’s kids means that I’m….no one. That’s an oversimplification, I know. They still see me as Dad, but I can’t make any decisions about them or, if an emergency befalls them, seek treatment for them without their mother’s consent. And in her eyes, I’m now a roommate who helps her take care of her kids. So, it’s a fair statement to say that a large part of me has been feeling empty.

I gave up on ever being happy again. I’d already decided that I didn't intend to marry again and was starting to get used to the idea of never dating again. Dark times, indeed. Then, I heard it. A light shone through the fog of my misery. A piano, and guitar, and a soft familiar voice. Tom Petty had come to my rescue again. Something Could Happen. And I smiled through the tears.

I’m not easy to know, my mind can change

My moods come and go

I’m not easy to please, sometimes the woods

Get lost in the trees

The lyrics spoke to me in a way that no other song had. Music has always been a special part of my life. Songs would bring me back to days long past, to times I’d forgotten. Tom Petty’s Wildflowers was one of the albums of my high school years. But this song, from the reissue, spoke to who I was at that moment when I heard it. I’m not easy to know. I can be a lot sometimes. My attention and moods can change without much warning. I’d never heard lyrics define my mood and life the way this song had. I didn’t have to feel so hopeless anymore.

I drive into town, I walk the mall

Go home and fall down

I've lost a few good friends

It's easy come, easy come again

I processed my divorce alone. I closed myself off from the rest of the world and crawled inside my mind. I didn’t have many people to talk to to begin with, and I didn’t want to burden them with the depth and breadth of my malaise. I felt like I needed to work everything out on my own, but masking what was going on so that I could be like everyone else was exhausting.

Seems like a long time

Nothing much rang true

My doubts and fears, which I had allowed to overtake me, were finally clear in front of me. I had to face them to grow and crawl out of my emotional exile. I felt myself becoming more confident as I came to the realization that I didn’t have to accept a miserable existence over having a life. I began to chase what made me happy with that pursuit, I felt myself feeling more hopeful than I had in almost a year, since my ex-wife told me she didn’t love me anymore.

I need to find some space where I can go

Get out of myself

And so, I did just that. I started taking long drives to find new places. I took pictures of the beauty I saw, to share with as many people as would look at them. But it was also a reminder to myself that there was such beauty in the world if I just looked for it.

I don’t know if I’ll date again, but I’m more open to the idea than I was. I can’t close myself off to the possibility of being truly happy again. Because as the man sang, I feel like something could happen.