See you later... Dad.

Growing up I knew that I had a mom and dad. I knew in their own way they both loved me and their other children very much. The thing that I didn't know or understand at the time is why they were rarely together. I also wondered why they did not live in the same place like my friends parents did. As you can imagine these thoughts were in my head and lived there rent free for many of the following years as I grew up.

Being a young man and seeing movies and also being around other kids who's parents were together it made things confusing. My feelings of confusion soon turned into thoughts and feelings of anger. From a traditional standpoint mom and dad are supposed to be together and under one roof as a family. Well as you might have guessed that was certainly not the case when I was a child. It wasn’t uncommon for my mother to blame my father and for my father to blame my mother, if he was around. Each parent would slander one another and try to one up each out in hopes of securing “the favorite” parent position. This wouldn’t be determined nor publicly stated for many years into the future.

There was a lot of events the took place during the years of my childhood that didn't allow me to really, fully participate into a true “childhood” per say. I could go on to say everything I seen, everything I was put through, but I will refrain as I imagine you get the idea. regardless of the good or bad childhood and what others thought I can say confidently I grew up quickly and was exposed to a lot of things that most kids my age would be exposed to for many years into the future. With that being said, I must also mention that if I could back and relive it I am not sure I would.

Coming up on a month shortly, I recently got news that my father had unexpectedly passed away. When I first heard the news from my youngest sister I was in shock. This will sound bad for me to say, I was shocked but not surprised which I will get into later. For at least the last 5 to 10 years my father and I hadn't really seen each other nor had we spoke much except here and there on random occasions. Well that changed last Fathers Day (2021)… I remember walking through Walmart with my mom and girlfriend and thinking to my self after walking by a “ideas for Dad” end cap that was on display, “I wonder how my dad is doing with everything going on”. At the point I pondered to myself for the duration of our shopping trip whether reaching out for a wellness check was worth it or not for me. I knew that one of two things would happen.. Can you guess after I list them?

I knew that on one hand I could reach out to my father and it could potentially open a toxic line of communication that would result in dead end conversations or absurd requests on his behalf. Or on the other hand it would open a line of communication that would ultimately trick me into believing having my father in my life would fill the void I have been so desperately in search of. In reality I would be conversing with a stranger or someone that I knew at one point.. years ago. Can you guess?

If you picked either of the scenarios above I hate to admit it to you but you have been hit with a trick question as it was neither of them actually. That day I made the decision to reach out to him not really sure the response I would get not how it would be make feel later. I reached out and got a response and unlike any of the possible outcomes I played out in my head the exchange was actually adult like and pleasant. I greeted him followed by a traditional “Happy Fathers Day” as technically he was what I used to refer to as my sperm donator. We had a civil and direct conversation and agreed it was nice to hear from one another and we should exchange again in the future. A couple weeks to a month had passed and I reached out again as follow up to our last conversation. The conversation went well and some more dialogue was opened up which was also surprising.

This went on for a few months where we would check in maybe once sometimes twice a month. We even had phone conversations at certain points. I bring that up because one call in specific really sticks out to me. I was driving home from work one day with my girlfriend and my father came up in conversation for some reason or another. Almost boasting about it I mentioned to her “I should call my dad”, she agreed.

RING, RING, RING…

Dad answers.

Me: Hello?

Dad: “HEY GUYS MY SON IS ON THE PHONE, RIGHT ON MY SON CALLED ME!!”

Me: overwhelmed in feelings of happiness knowing I made my dads day..

My dad was giddy like a little kid. It was actually precious at that moment and I am very thankful I got to have that experience with him. At that exact moment in time I felt like his absence, mistakes or faults were all washed away and at that exact moment I knew my dad loved me. He was always so excited to hear what I had going on and always wanted to hear all about me. Quite heartfelt honestly.

I mentioned above that I didn't have it easy growing up, never had that family feeling or that stereotypical family as seen on tv. What I did have is a clear understanding of what not to do as a parent..

I cant change the past no matter how much I wish I could. However I can hold on to the memories I do have both good and bad and use them to be the best version of myself and to continue living my life in his honor and making him as proud in heaven as he was here on earth. The point of this story was personal venting or writing out my thoughts based on my own experiences.

I don’t feel I got enough time with my dad. I do believe we will meet again. Until then I pray he watches over me and is rocking and rolling up in heaven.

Until then.. Love ya Dad…

Sunny Jim,

JJ