QUIZ: Should You Feel Obligated To Visit Your Toxic Family This Holiday Season?

If you're dreading the holiday season based on your perceived "obligations" it's time to seriously rethink your tradition!

Based on super scholarly sources, please take this official quiz to find out if you have a right to skip out on a seemingly toxic family engagement this year. Score sheet at the bottom of the page!

1. Do you have a relative who is abusive in any way, emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually.

2. Do you have a relative who gaslights you or blatantly makes you feel bad about yourself?

3. Do you have a family member who used to be abusive, but it has been decided by someone in the family that you should have moved on from or forgiven that behavior?

4. Do you have a relative who speaks badly of you to your face or behind your back?

5. Do you experience anxiety about attending family functions because every year, you find yourself being mistreated?

6. Do you feel the need to have an emergency “out” prepared so that you can easily leave your family functions- not in a somewhat comical way, but in an “I’m going to have a full on panic attack” way?

7. Do you feel ill the entire month before attending family functions?

8. Do your family members disrespect your general way of life?

9. Do your family members comment on your body in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself?

10. Do your family members threaten you in any way?

11. Do your family members treat your spouse/significant other or children badly?

12. Do you worry that having your spouse/significant other or children around your family members might subject them to abuse?

13. Does your family misgender you?

14. Does your family directly show disapproval of your life choices?

15. Do you always find yourself feeling bad about yourself for weeks immediately after seeing your family?

16. Do you fantasize about having to work so that you can easily be excused from family functions?

17. Do you end up crying at every family function?

18. Does someone apologize at every family function for a negative behavior they have failed to control for years?

19. Do you worry about your physical safety when visiting your family?

20. Do you only go to your family functions because you feel obligated and because you should be “grateful that you have a family”?

Now it’s time to tabulate your results!

Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

4. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not. obligated.

5. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated

6. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

7. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

8. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

9. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

10. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

11. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

12. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

13. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

14. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

15. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

16. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

17. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

18. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

19. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

20. Well, actually this one depends on… JUST KIDDING. Regardless of your answer — No, you are not obligated.

When my narcissist father was alive, my mother took us out to see a local play about a father and a daughter coming together after the matriarch of the family died. She failed to understand a lot about that relationship. I lost sleep for years, worrying that she’d die first and I’d have to have some semblance of being a “good daughter” to one of the most abusive people I’ve ever met in my life.

“Every family has their issues” my mom still says, even knowing some, but not all, of the reasons none of her grown children speak to each other. Our relationship is complicated, and we did spend Thanksgiving together.

I will say, in spite of all of these questions having the same answer, NO, you do not need to do things out of “obligation”, there can be consequences to the choices you make.

But what you need to know is, someone’s toxic behavior is not about you. You don’t deserve it. And there may come a time when you don’t want to choose to sit at that toxic Thanksgiving table. And that’s okay.

Whether you show up for the holidays are not, you deserve respect and consideration. Blood may not be meaningless, but neither is bloodshed. Know that you are worthy of people who treat you with kindness. Know the difference between silly sibling rivalry that you’ll laugh about somewhat and deep-seated toxic resentment.