Open Letter from A Grandparent to Divorcing Parents

I wrote this to two people I love dearly to help them navigate a turbulent time the likes of which they had never seen. Thankfully, they weathered their storm and knit their family back together again. But not all people can or do. Now, I share this so others may share it with those they love to help their loved ones when they find themselves tempest-tossed in need of a way to navigate to the refuge of distant shores on the other side of divorce.

"Dear Parents,

I know this is turbulent times for both of you with lots of pain, anger, loss, feelings of betrayal. I don't pretend to know all the details of your situation or what you're going through.

What I do know, is from your time together, you have made beautiful children that fully love you both and are fully loved by each of you. And through each of you, your children have a network of other family and friends that your children love and your children are loved by. Regardless of where you are in your feelings for each other, you are both heroes in your children's eyes. Your children may have to deal with changing dynamics in your relationship and adjust to split homes and sharing time in two places but they don't and should not have to choose between their two parents. They shouldn't have to walk on eggshells about one parent around the other. Neither parent should suffer loss of the children and the children should not loose access to people they love and love them.

For all that you're going through, you each have a duty to be the best possible parent for your children. To make them feel loved, safe, and free of fear. You each have a duty to hold each other accountable for being the best you can be for your children. You will have to co-parent and be willing to look at life through the lens of what is best for the children. What is best for them may not always feel to be best for you as individuals but you have to rise to it anyway. You will have to strive not to compete with each other for your children's love and affections or put them in the middle of the issues between the two of you, even when those issues are about them.

I won't lie - it's going to be harder than anything you've every done. You will live everyday with constant fear of loss, and a deep and burning possessiveness that makes you not want to share your children with each other. But you both have to find it in yourselves to find a path of peace between you so that your children have full access and love of both parents and extended familes.

Neither of you are bad people. You each are good people that have made bad choices and brought yourselves to bad circumstances. But there is a way forward and being the good people that each of you truly are down deep and with the strong love that each of you have for your children and both burning with desire for your kids to have what is best for them, you will get through this. One day at a time with some days better than others.

I know each of you feel the family of the other will turn on you. It will be the job of each of you to keep your families at peace. To not let them stir issues, upset the children or talk badly about the absent parent in front of the children. That can be a tough issue when emotions are running high and everyone fears loss. But the adults have to be the bigger people and keep their issues with other people away from the ears of the kids.

My vow is to be a just and fair grandparent. To be a voice of reason for both of you when days bowl you each over and find it hard to catch your breath. I will always come at the issues from the point of view, what is best for the children. I will be for the children's right to love you both and have access to you both and the extended families of both sides. There is no place for revenge or spite when it comes to the children. I will expect neither of you to do harm to your children emotionally or physically whether purposefully or unintentionally. You each will be expected and have to be the parents your children deserve and need you to be.

Just remember you each are heroes in your children's eyes and your children love you both and they should be allowed to always do so. Your worlds are a better place with your children in it and theirs are better with each of you in it.

Love, someone who has lived it before you."

• #both parents matter
• #kids don't have to choose
• #love is limitless