One Last Time

2021 in a nutshell? If I knew how to use my keyboard to make an emoji, I would do that. It would suffice as both a representation of the current status of my life, and the progression of the year as a whole. It would be a round face as usual, but it would be a more withered and battered expression, with bloodshot eyes, a slightly bent nose, and a few crooked teeth. Boom. I’ve just described my actual face. I am an emoji of myself.

It’s been six months since I wrote a blog post, so I decided to type one out because I’m at home sick with Covid.

Amanda and I have pushed through our first six months of owning a restaurant. It is by far the toughest escapade either of us have ever been a part of. You’d probably expect me to say that it also comes with the greatest rewards, but that isn’t even remotely close. It’s thankless, heartless, and utterly insistent. It takes everything we have, all that we are, and gives us just enough back to stay above water. But we believe in our plan, so we trudge on. We work tirelessly to ensure we have a place for our employees to be employed. As of today, Flank has 23 employees. That’s a lot of HR and payroll to take care of.

When we first opened the doors, all I wanted to do was be down in the kitchen cooking and creating. It was clear after just a couple weeks that there was more to it than that. Every day paperwork and bills piled up, and there wasn’t a department to hand them off to. Invoices, statements, permits, deposits, credits, debits, memos, oh my. A never-ending tornado of paperwork that still litters our office that started and never stopped. All of it at some point had been entered by me into QuickBooks, which is my accountant. But I still have no idea what to do with the random stacks of paper that keep mounting.

Aside from the office, I love being at work. It’s a stress I can work with. I love my employees, and for the most part, they give their all when they are at work. There’s always room for improvement, and I believe the same to be true of myself. It’s tough to keep up standards when the workload never lightens up, and even though it would be easier to cut corners or buy in a product instead of making it from scratch, we continue to push ourselves harder every week. I believe this shows in the results we put out on our plates.

But enough about the restaurant. Our family life has been completely disrupted by the restaurant. We now have only Sundays as a family, and they fly by ever too quickly. I try to take Wednesdays off, and Amanda takes Tuesdays, but even so, it feels like I hardly see my girls. That is one positive takeaway from having Covid; I get to see my kids every day. For a week straight now-aside from the naps I must take in the basement-I’ve felt like I’m more present than ever in their lives.

The goal of owning a business is to make money. Right? And maybe also to have the freedom to spend more time with family. I’m hoping that if we do make it a whole year (Overall, 60% of restaurants fail within the first year, and 80% won’t make it to the fifth.), we will be able to trust our staff even more and take as much time as we need to grow our children and rest our weary legs. I can push myself into decay-that’s the addict in me. I can keep going until I’m numb. But this will literally kill me if I let it. So, at some point I’ll need to be able to step back just a bit, so I don’t become a statistic.

Long story short: Covid may have re-energized me. We’ll see in a few days when I get back.

As far as writing… I think it’s had its run. As my life has evolved, I have found less time to, and less interest in spending any time in front of a computer. Writing this post was a struggle. I used to be able to bang out 700 words in 20 minutes and have scores of topics to dissect for the future. Now it’s just work and family, and I think I’m okay with that. It’s a progression that has made others more important than me. I tried to write about that for a while, but I felt that actions spoke louder than words, and I immersed myself in being a father, and that ‘s where I choose to live.

If you’ve never read my story from the beginning, go to www.breakingfreeblog.org/about. From there you’ll see a million words that define my life up to a point. I wrote my part from inside the walls of various Minnesota prisons, and my mother wrote her end from home. The stories intertwine to form a heartbreaking story of life as well as a triumphant comeback, and I read it myself about once a year to reflect on why I’m here, and why I’m still alive. I’ll admit that my story and journey are incredible, but they aren’t unique. Two million people are currently incarcerated or in jails in our country. That is a staggering number. It doesn’t have to be this way. And that’s where I’ll leave it.

For all of you who have been readers since the beginning, I truly thank you for your support. Thank you for letting me be vulnerable and letting me vent. Thank you for understanding another perspective. You shine.