Everything

The last time I had time to write, I had slept normally, eaten regularly, and I had delusions of how running a restaurant would be. Three months later I am running on fumes; my muscles begging for a break. I can’t stop. This is just the beginning.

I wish I could go back and tell myself what I should have done. In all of my previous roles as a cook, chef, server, and bartender, I always had departments like accounting and H.R. to take on the brunt of paperwork. As owners, we take on all of those responsibilities and more, and instead of spending my days on the line or creating new menu ideas, I shutter myself in the office from 7:15am, until I have little choice but to bang my head against my desk whilst repeating the calming phrase, “No. No. No.” Only then can I do things that actually make me happy.

I’ve posted mainly pictures of food with appealing advertisements to drum up business for our slower lunches or our busy weekend nights, but one of the main reasons we have so many followers is because I started writing so honestly in the beginning. Well, here I am again. I needed to write because it makes me feel better inside about the things I struggle with. We are two months into this lifetime (we can only hope) journey, and I can say I’ve never felt so worn and tired. I keep coming back because I owe it to our employees—all forty of them—and because I owe it to my family to give this everything I’ve got. Some days I don’t think I do that, but I am present. I’m not the boss I wanted to be, in fact I’ve become a little bit of an asshole, but I can attribute that to the fact that I went about three months without attending an A.A. meeting, and I can attest that when I started going back, I felt the weight and burden of the pressure I put on myself lifted away, and as long as I keep that up, I can manage my defects of character and not become the stereotypical angry chef that nobody wants to work for. I do now and moving forward take every Thursday night off for that purpose, and to spend some quality time with my kids.

My kids. I had no idea how much I would miss them, nor how expensive it would be to have a nanny care for them while we whittle our lives away here at work. Our nine-month-old is squealing, standing, and getting into whatever trouble she can reach. We spend a little time together every morning before I bring the girls to daycare, and then I think about those moments for the rest of the day—it keeps me going. Our six-year-old (I don’t think either of these ages should be hyphenated because the rule says only if there’s a noun after, but Word wanted me to correct them so I did. (Also, I could be wrong about the rule)) is as wild as ever. She so badly wants to be back in school, probably not so much to learn, but for the socialization. She has started doing chores for change, and her room has never been cleaner (sometimes.) And our ten-year-old is busy on her computer or phone, having sleepovers with all of her best friends, and otherwise avoiding contact with her parents. She does glance up every now and then and her sparkle shines through. She loves to sing and dance, and makes Tik-Tok videos constantly.

We still have Sundays as a family, and although I may occasionally drift in and out of sleep throughout the day, we are together, and we are happy.

If somebody asked if I would do all of this over again, I don’t know what I would say. I know that there are parts of every day that I wouldn’t change, and maybe someday we’ll be rich and can afford an accountant. Bookkeeping is my chief archrival, and it takes most of my energy. Right now, in the 20 minutes it has taken me to write this out, I could have gone through ten lines of my reconciliation. I’ll have to make up for lost time. I have au jus on the stove downstairs reducing for tomorrow night. I have cut, seasoned, tied (with help from my sous chef), and sealed six, half prime ribeyes for tomorrow night. I have been to the bank, been to a Chamber of Commerce event, completed about seven lines of my July reconciliation, sorted and paid invoices, verified the origin and grade of the foie gras for the end-of-the-month event, taken many phone calls, and written this. I’m five hours into a 14-hour shift, and I could use a nap.

I love serving the people of Hutchinson. I truly am grateful for the support we have been shown, and I love seeing people become regulars. I do have fun; I love being down in the kitchen and out with our customers. And I’m constantly in my head thinking about what to plan next. I’m in it for the long haul, I just need to find some balance, which I will.

That’s all for now. It felt good to write even though it felt like I was rambling just a bit. When I don’t write for a while, I don’t have my best material, but I’ll try to fix that too. Thank you everybody for all of your support, and I hope to see you soon.