Notes on my first public appearance.

Photo by Redd F on Unsplash

It felt weird to not write anything of consequence last week, after consistently writing for eleven weeks now (this is my twelfth, which feels like a milestone of sorts.) It was nice to just be present, to enjoy the time exploring San Diego with my husband, and to just check out from things for a few days, but it still felt weird, and I felt a little bit guilty. I don’t know where the guilt came from since I don’t technically owe anyone anything, I don’t have an editor or a deadline, and my two-piece a week goal is strictly for myself, but maybe it is because I felt like I was letting myself down a bit or not taking my weekly steps to doing this professionally or reaching my goals. Maybe I just felt like I was letting all of my five paid subscribers down by not providing content that they paid for (even though my five paid subscribers are my mom, my dad, my sister, my aunt and my husband and I think they would all forgive me and still love me even if I never wrote another thing ever again- but seriously, how do I get more paid subscriptions here?!) Maybe I just am taking this journey seriously because I want it so badly, and taking a week off feels like I’m not applying myself. But here I am, and I feel rested, my brain feels fresh, it is the astrological New Year, so onward we go, and it feels like things are about to get much, much easier, even if I don’t quite know how yet.

But it’s good to be back. To hear my little fingers on the keyboard, clicketyclacking away. The sound of words being made. I wish I had something specific to write today. I have some ideas, but just like looking at your stack of books on your nightstand, sometimes none of them scratch your itch. Same with my writing ideas, the prompts I have given myself. None of them feel like “it” today, even though there are some good ones. I do know that I need to create a pseudonym to write under, because I have an idea for a book, but the content is nothing I want my dad or mom or husband to read. I think, oh, I could just write essays to include in that book, so I would have two essays a week, and soon an entire collection to publish would be ready and I could kill two birds with one stone- weekly publications that also count towards chapters- but then I would need to come up with stuff to write four days a week, while still running a salon, doing hair, etc. I know that other people find time to have regular jobs and write books, but I don’t know how they do it because I am just over here doing my best and getting two essays a week done is tough, and they aren’t even going towards a bigger picture?! Maybe I will just start on my dog book next week and do those chapters. Although then I’d still be doing my pseudonym stuff too, so again, lots of writing when that isn’t my primary job (yet!) But then I’d be working on two books at the same time, so maybe. We will see.

This is the hardest part of being a writer, I think. Is finding the time to write. If anyone has any insight that would be lovely. I’m making it happen, and will continue to make it happen, and trust that the opportunity to do this full time will arrive, and I’ll just do my best in the meantime. But seriously, how do people write entire books while working other jobs? Even the days of pitching a book and getting an advance to write the rest seem to be gone- most agents and publishers, it seems, want an entire manuscript. I don’t know, though, because I can write, or I can query agents. But to quote a famous TikToker- “How hard can it be? Boys do it?” So, I’m sure I will figure it all out.

In the meantime, I did have my very first book reading yesterday, so my goals are coming into focus. It was a small crowd, twenty or so, but they were a very enthusiastic crowd, had lots of questions about Annie the Adventurer, and were able to share their own personal stories as well. Honestly, a solid crowd for my first real author event, that wasn’t just signing books at a market. For a first reading, I think it went pretty well, actually. One attendee even said I did such a good job, that she wished I could come read to them every day, which I would love- because the event was at my niece’s school, and the crowd was her entire kindergarten class. And I will tell you what. No matter how famous I get, no matter how many book deals, books signings, movie deals, best sellers, speaking engagements, or readings I do over the course of my life, none will be as special as this first one. None. Yes, of course, the first time you do something new it tends to be memorable, but that isn’t the reason. Having Aspen sitting next to me while we read the book that we created together is.

When I arrived at her classroom, and she noticed me standing at the door, her eyes lit up. I knew then that this would be a moment I would remember, and cherish, forever. She got up and came over to me, grabbed my hand, and walked me inside. She then sat at her little desk while I made my way to the front of the room, and I sat in the teacher’s chair while the teacher went row by row, getting all these little kiddos seated on the ground in front of me for story time. I kept looking over at Aspen, and she would look at me, and we would smile at each other until it was her time to sit with the other kids. The teacher had me tell the kids a little about me and the book before we read the story, and that is when we decided to have Aspen come sit with me- my little copilot, my special human that I didn’t give birth to but would give my life for. She is not only my niece, but she is the illustrator of my book. It made perfect sense that the first time I would read this book to anyone would be with her at my side, to her class, at her school. (I like to think this was preparation for The Drew Barrymore Show as well.)

Before we started, I shared about the book, explaining that it was about my grandma and her life and her adventures. Almost immediately, all these little hands shot up in the air. These little kids started sharing how their grandmas had died, or their grandpas, or both, or none. Some shared that they liked my hair and my tattoos and my earrings, which was just a bonus! But this was perfect. I had no idea how reading this story would go, or how it would be received. Annie the Adventurer discusses so many things, but importantly, it discusses aging, death and dying, and the loss of a grandparent and I didn’t know if it would be too much for this age group, or done right, or too much or who knows what. Would kids like it? Would they get it?  And it was as if, before I even read the first page, all these little humans let me know it was going to be okay. And it was. It was perfect. I cried reading the story, because the whole thing was emotional for me, and also, I miss my grandma, but I think that was OK too, to let these kids know that no matter how old you are, it is OK to cry, and you don’t have to be embarrassed.

When we finished the book, more kids shared about their families. One kid said, “that story was really sad, and I loved it.” The teacher loved it, which was also felt validating, because of her age, her experience, and her profession. And after asking questions, answering questions, and soaking it all in, it was time to go. The kids went back to their seats, Aspen walked me to the office, and we said goodbye until next time, and I left, with a heart fuller than when I arrived. I think Aspen felt the same. Our book will be donated to her school library for other kids to read and enjoy with their families. Our book was donated to her local public library while I was there as well. I love that Annie gets to travel even after she is gone. I love that Aspen and I have this legacy that we created together. I love our family story being shared all over the world but starting in our own towns. And I love, love love that the reason I didn’t write last week was because I was spending my time with my loved ones and making memories like this. And I love that the very first book reading I ever did was in the place it mattered the most.