Never be enough.

Growing up in a family that doesn't want you can hold many effects on your adult life. How do i know that? Because at the age of 24 i still struggle with the effects my family put on me.

I grew up with 4 siblings one younger brother, 2 older brother and the eldest of us all my sister. When i was around 13 years old i started crying at school and told my teacher all about how i felt unwanted by my mum, about how i feel alone at home and that no one wanted me. That day my teacher contacted my mum to let her know how i was feeling. My mum spent that day helping me bake and watching movies but then it reverted back to feeling alone a day later.

I spent most of my teenage years trying to get her attention. Kicking of at home, getting in trouble at school, skiving from school. I would follow her wherever she went to try be apart of her life, to try to be liked. My mum spent most days at my sisters house 10 doors down, she would drink from early afternoon until late night, i always felt so lonely.

Since then i have wrote a book that got over 30,000 reads, that did not impress or make her proud. I moved out of her home to raise my daughter, that did not impress her or make her proud, even though her 3 sons were still living at home. I got engaged to the kindest and most loving man, she still had nothing to say.

No matter how many times i invited her to see me or how many times i offered to pay for us to go for a meal, my company was never better than my sisters.

I constantly tried to tell myself growing up it was just because i was a kid, that's why she didn't want to spend time with me, that when i grew up maybe she would want to see me more, but alas that never happened we don't see each other for months at a time.

My partner on bad days will have to calm me down because i would feel unloved, that if my own mother didn't want me why would he. Growing up in a toxic household made me insecure and like i was unable to be lovable.

There are many things an adult could need after growing up feeling unloved, for example:

They want a sense of belonging. Many people in this position feel left out and shut out from the people they know. I know for a fact that this is a big effect for ones life.

They want validations on thoughts and feelings. A lot of people that grew up in a toxic household can grow insecure about their thoughts and feelings, this can cause someone to silence themselves in arguments in fear or being wrong.

They want emotional balance. I know for a fact that few of us know how to regulate emotions, we can either wall off the emotion or or be flooded by them. Most big emotional events in my life get walled off and don't affect me but once the emotion builds and more things happen i am flooded with the pain and emotion.

This can also make building relationships with their children difficult. Being raised in one way makes it difficult to raise your child in a different way. You want to give them the love you didn't get and give them all the things you wanted but sometimes you can feel separate from your children.