My Trans Son Likes to Wear Dresses

My transgender son recently wore a dress as he left the house. I couldn’t understand why he’d choose to wear women’s clothes when he’d worked so hard to live as a young man — to be perceived as a young man.

Before my son came out as transgender, he announced that he was a lesbian. He had a girlfriend. He wore masculine-looking clothes. I thought I was such a progressive parent accepting him as the gay daughter I assumed he was then.

In his mid-teens, he stopped dating and came out as transgender. I tried to roll with the punches and gladly fell into the role of trans advocate and supportive, accepting mom. We legally changed his name to one more suitable that he chose, we took him to therapists, psychiatrists, and endocrinologists to help him with whatever a healthy transition meant for him.

My son now has been on testosterone injections for seven years. He has a small beard and mustache, a man’s haircut, and wears men’s clothing and shoes. He looks like a guy; he sounds like a guy.

So the dress threw me for a loop.

I feel like a hypocrite.

I realize that my son does not need to ‘look like a guy’ to be a guy. Logically I know this. So why does the sight of my trans son in a dress cause smoke to seep from my ears due to my brain over-analyzing it all?

My acceptance and support of my son should have nothing to do with what he may or may not wear. Clothing has no gender. It’s an object, after all, not a living being.

And I can honestly say that I don’t think seeing my trans son in a dress causes me to rethink any of my support for him. I love him. I accept him for whoever he is. I will always be his most encouraging cheerleader.

So, I simply asked him why he chose to wear a dress.

I’m very fortunate my son allows me the grace to ask him such dumb questions. He knows my confusion or curiosity comes from my honest attempt at trying to understand him so I can be a better ally to the whole LGBTQIA community. I’m very lucky he’s so open and honest about his individuality including his gender identity.

He told me he wants to do drag.

My transgender son says he enjoys wearing dresses sometimes because he likes how some of them look. And he doesn’t bend to the idea that any clothing is only meant for specific genders. He pointed out how allowing clothes to be categorized by only two different genders would mean he agreed that the world only consisted of two genders.

If I follow the traditional gender binary that dictates everyone is either male or female, it would mean I don’t believe there is a gender spectrum or any diversity within gender roles. — Z, my smart trans son

He went on to tell me he’d been thinking about doing drag and standup as well. It’s funny how thinking of it as drag didn’t bother me at all. I guess I think of drag queens as entertainers. There’s skill involved in putting together the perfect look and persona.

I suppose I think of drag as a vocation where you not only get the opportunity to present yourself authentically but have the possibility to make money at the same time.

I also think this feels exactly like what a cishet, middle-aged white woman would think. (Note to self: I need to learn more about what it means to do drag in order to be a more supportive advocate and ally — and to stop jumping to stupid and ill-informed conclusions.)

I worry about his safety.

Sometimes I find it difficult to find the balance between being concerned for my trans son’s safety and being hypocritical, unsupportive, or unaccepting. In a perfect world, I shouldn’t need to be concerned about anyone’s safety because transphobia, homophobia, racism, and xenophobia wouldn’t exist.

But all that hatred and negativity do exist. So, I worry.

I worry about my transgender son. I worry about his nonbinary fiance. I worry about their trans friends. And I worry about all the LGBTQIA youth out there.

But I need to make sure my concern isn’t an excuse to not be accepting and supportive — regardless of what my son is wearing when he leaves the house. He’s a kind, smart, honest, helpful human being. Hopefully, everyone else out there will see that too.

When I catch myself being judgmental about someone, I examine why I feel that way. It’s usually due to a lack of understanding on my part and has very little to do with the other person. So I’ll be studying the world of drag for a while. I want to understand where my son’s thoughts and feelings are coming from. I want to be a better advocate and ally.

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