My Mom

It wasn’t easy, when she passed away. At the time I was 21 years old, and working at Walmart. I wasn’t in school because I was focusing on working to help provide for my mom and brothers. The day I woke up, I was woken up by my brother telling me to call an ambulance. It’s kinda hazy but I ran to the room, and saw mom on the floor, so I quickly called the police and packed her clothes as well as me. I was hesitant on going to work that day. I was going to go because if not I Walmart would have pointed me even if I was at the hospital with my mom. With my friends telling me to stay at the hospital with my mom, I did so. I am glad I did stay with my mom thinking back on it now.

I stayed by my mom’s side the entire time, until the nurse made me go down stairs to get something to eat. When I did, I was eating in the waiting area while the doctors did what they did. I happened to look up and saw my mom’s room light flashing. By this point I was already done eating. I rushed to my mom’s room, to see multiple doctors trying to get her heart started. I was confused and at the time I didn’t know what was going on. I mean I knew what was happening, but to me my mom was invincible and could never die. At least not until I had succeeded was able to help her with everything I wanted to help her.

That day was November 1, 2017. When there was nothing else they could do, the doctors came out and apologize. I couldn’t cry, be angry or anything. I just felt so… empty inside, it didn’t fully process that I lost my mom. My super hero, angel. My best friend. I walked into the room, and held her hand staring at her face. I knew she wasn’t in pain anymore but I was the one in pain. I called my case worker, my dad, my brother. I couldn’t call my youngest brother because I wanted to tell him face to face. When I got off of the phone I stood there, stroking her cheeks, and holding her hand. I was hoping her heart would start beating but it didn’t. It never did, she died for multiple reasons. Multiple strokes being one of the things.

I was scared, having to take the responsibility of my brothers, because my dad couldn’t help. He tried to help the best he could but he was limited to what he could do. I was still practically a kid myself having to raise my brother, and attend my youngest brother’s meetings, appointments and what not. He was a minor with some mental health issues, so it was scary. I had to make decisions in my mom’s place since he technically didn’t have a guardian. I never knew if I made the right decision or not, but seeing as he graduated high school, going to fire academy and working and soon getting an internship. I think I did do the right thing, what my mom would have wanted.

I wish I could have done more to my other brother but I didn’t know what to do. I wonder how my mom would have handled my other brother. The one that stayed with me physically. I find myself thinking about her, pretty often. The wound never healed and I still cry for her. People often told me, I am looking a lot like my mother, laughed liked my mother, and I knew I was strong because of her. Maybe that’s why I am so attached to the song “Like My Mother Does” by Alaina. That song reminds me of everything people told me I have in common with my mother.

I know she isn’t here with me, but sometimes I still get a bit nostalgic and remember I am not alone. She is still with me, as a guardian angel. I wish I could hear her voice, hug her, tell her I loved her a little more.

If you still have your mother here on earth, tell her you love her as much as you can. Give her hugs and kisses, spend more time with her. Because one day she won’t be here and you will miss it.